Rollercoaster Ride of Thoughts & Emotions

Embracing the here and now also means letting go of what once was and recognizing when, where and how my ego tries to insert itself. 

A thought that very recently popped into my head was that I'm letting people down and letting myself down. It was a very quick, and random thought with some emotion (guilt) attached. Shortly after I questioned how much of that random thought was ego. 

Ok ego, thank you - I've got this. 

Yes, I am having somewhat of an internal challenge with the changes to my Kung Fu world these past months. For many years I was very engaged with Kung Fu, attending my own classes, IHC most years and helping out in other classes. A fairly solid routine had been built that ebbed and flowed to a small degree, but was relatively consistent year after year. The Kwoon has been like a second home for me and many aspects of Kung Fu have become ingrained in my everyday life. And at this moment it feels a bit like it's slowly slipping away. I know this isn't completely accurate and yet I do need to be careful and find ways to stay engaged.

Having my ego surface like that gave me the opportunity to look a bit closer at the changes so that I can reflect, understand and make peace with everything. It is not a quick fix but much easier to work out when I acknowledge what is happening.

What I find interesting is I don't view any of what I'm experiencing as bad, down, or failing. I actually feel resistance when thinking about and trying to attach the opposite of good as bad or the opposite of up as being down. So where does that leave me and how do I quantify what I'm feeling and where I am at? The short answer is I am human. I'm learning, growing and living and loving life the best I can. 

Sparring

It’s been too long since I’ve taken part in some actual sparring rounds which is why sparring during Tuesdays class came at a perfect time. I'm always nervous at the start and unsure of my abilities. And then, as soon as we bow in, its game on and I mostly find myself enjoying the matches.

During Tuesday nights sparring we started off at about 5% and then after a few rounds increased to 30%. Those first few rounds at a lower intensity were my best. I felt more in control and able to think about strikes and parries. When I think about 5, 30 or even 50% I think in terms of power. What was interesting though is I realized speed tends to naturally increase along with intensity. And that speed can be frantic at times or under control.

5-15 and even up to 25% at times is I think where my base line lies when it comes to technique, control and my ability to assess and make adjustments in the moment. As soon as we move past the 25% range, I can begin to see and feel less efficiency and control. 

So this tells me obviously I need to do more sparring with a partner and I need to practice at different intensity levels to learn to be more comfortable and develop the skill to increase speed in a controlled and calculated manner relative to the energy delivered.

Joy!

I continue to struggle a bit with motivation and finding opportunities to train. Less than healthy snacking is an issue with sweets and carbs being the biggest challenge and most likely causing some of my increased knee pain. 

How much does any of that even matter? Can one word or feeling take all that away...?

As I think back over my week, aside from everything else going on, there is one thing that stands out and that is a feeling of joy! 

After a difficult and challenging interaction with someone on Thursday, I needed to refresh and so I set off to the dog park with Willow. With all the fresh snow I knew she would love to run and play around in it and burn off some energy. When we arrived there was no one else around. Imagine a huge dog park with no other people or animals in sight. What a wonderful thing!

We had the most amazing time together. Willow raced back and forth, ran circles and did lots of sniffing as we walked and explored. I mostly enjoyed watching her freedom of movement and the bursts of energy. Both of us were completely free from any stress of meeting new dogs, expectations or potential issues. Free to just be and enjoy the outdoors and all that space. I remember looking up at the sky as the sun was starting to set, in awe of the vastness and beauty of it all and feeling blessed. It was also a feeling of joy that has carried over into the rest of my week.

Joy is something we can choose and cultivate at any given time. It happens in moments of deep awareness and appreciation for all that is. Joy is waiting to be discovered and is a powerful and lasting entity/force. That all encompassing feeling of joy has the power to boost the ups and minimize the downs in life. It fills up my entire being and gives me a deep sense of knowing that I can’t quite explain in words. What comes to mind is simplicity. Joy takes away the complexities of our western world and replaces it with beauty and simplicity. 

The idea and definition of mastery can be complex and is something I’ve mulled over many times and tried to define. I feel we tend to overcomplicate mastery and don’t have enough of an understanding of what we are looking to achieve and what mastery really is. I see the pursuit of mastery as a tool to find and help us achieve the greatness that already resides within each of us. All the effort we put in to get there helps to build a foundation that allows us at some point in the future to let go and just be the best version of ourselves.

I see mastery is a blend of heightened awareness, mindfulness, being present, simplicity and seeing and feeling the beauty all around us and within.

Change Starts With Me!

I'm going a bit stir crazy, feeling a bit like a caged bird unable to spread my wings. I had all these great plans to incorporate more training into my days and I just can’t seem to find much opportunity for uninterrupted time or space. 

Whatever was I thinking? I’ve gone from a mostly orderly life to disorder. Wait a minute… , I was looking to change things up and add more to my life. Well I certainly got what I asked for. Making the decision to get a puppy was not done lightly and included much thought and  research before hand, but there is only so much a person can prepare for.  Just like kids, dogs have distinctive personalities, traits and challenges to learn and work within.

This years transition from winter to spring has been wonderful with the warm weather, but there has also been too much sand, wetness and muck everywhere. It feels never ending and adds extra work/cleanup with a pup. I'm definitely feeling the disorder and mess these past 2 weeks. 

On a positive note: 

- I have added value to my life and my pups life. And as I mentioned before I'm now outdoors much more than before, walking everyday and finding opportunities to enjoy the moment.

- Something else I’ve noticed is my ability to step outside my social bubble and talk/ interact with random people I meet on walks or at the dog park. And I’m finding it relatively easy and enjoyable. 

- Another positive is I recognize these challenges as opportunities to make adjustments and exercise my ability to expand my perspective. 

Am I resisting too much in terms of acceptance or am I simply not putting in enough effort? I believe the answer is yes. There is a bit of both going on with a dollop of procrastination added in. 

In terms of effort and procrastination - I have 2.5 - 3 hours most mornings before work that could be more productive, so on Friday I put together a loose schedule for the morning to provide some direction in order to be more productive and alleviate any guilt. I think this will work to help keep me on track, be more accountable to myself and hopefully build some better habits.

Change requires opening your heart and allows for an evolving perspective and the ability to search and find the value, the vision and any future investment potential. It’s also requires practicing gratitude and letting go in order to move forward. 

Circularity of Movement

The hand form I am working on this year is MLK. My goal is to learn the entire sequence with good technique. In addition one of my personal goals is to utilize one on ones regularly throughout the year which will help me in learning MLK, so the two work together nicely.

For this weeks one on one I wanted to address a specific section I’d been having trouble with. Trying to figure out if the problem was in understanding the intent, the timing or transitions or all of the above wasn't getting me closer to a solution. After a discussion with Sifu, it became apparent it was more of an issue of circular motion. It was a bit of a light bulb moment where I quickly realized I was pausing and breaking the circle between the 2 techniques and loosing flow as a result. The first technique needed to connect and flow into the next to facilitate proper timing and power. 

What appears to be a pause is more of a transition within the circular movement consisting of variable speed and direction, requiring control, and all happening in a very short time frame. As soon as I put this into practice I was able to feel the difference it made. With additional practice I know there will be continued improvement. 

It is interesting how something I am already familiar with can resurface, and continue to teach me valuable lessons while also expanding my knowledge and skill. The seeds had already been planted with the knowing and understanding in place. I just needed a nudge at the right time to connect a few more dots, and build awareness in order to make adjustments and improve.

Here is what I’m re-establishing, learning and feeling:

Circular motion includes different planes - Forward to backward, side to side and upward to downward, all of which can occur together. Tai Chi is great for this! 

Contraction (minimize, consolidate, draw in chi ) and expansion (release, expand the internal & external, explode) are integrated into circular movement. 

Speed of circular motion and size can and often needs to change with awareness and control. 

The obvious outward/external circular movement is more efficient with internal activation and circular movement 

Now I just need to put everything into practice! 

Totals

Push ups & Sit ups: 2660
Hand form: 49
Weapon form: 54
KM: 205
Sparring: 19
Blogs: 5
Tai Chi: 45
Mindful App - 11

Tai Chi Straight Sword, Section 2

My weapon this year has not changed. I am still working with the Chinese Straight Sword and learning the Tai Chi Sword form by utilizing a number of different videos I have been able to find. I can certainly see why and how ancient forms and systems change and evolve over time. We all have our own interpretation, body mechanics and personal styles that factor in when learning a form that has been passed down. 

I remember last year as I was starting to learn the form I was able to find a video that provided different views and angles to learn from, which was wonderful because I suck at trying to mirror someone. At first I wanted to utilize just that one video. It wasn't until I ran into trouble with a particular move that I found myself looking for a different source. This led to finding a video with a complete front view and a complete back view. The only glitch was some of the moves were being done differently. I struggled with this at first until I understood the natural evolution of the martial arts and how I or any of us play a part in that evolution as traditional martial artists. My goal is still to stay true to the technique and spirit of the original form and keep it as intact as possible.

The Yang 32 Tai Chi Straight Sword form is a simplified Version of the original Yang style sword form. It is broken down into 4 sections of 8 postures and transitions. Last year I had made it through the first section and had started on the 2nd section when I ran into a tricky posture and transition. After a few attempts my brain just wasn't getting it and so I concentrated on what I already had and worked on polishing things up.

With a fresh start this year I committed myself to learning the 2nd section. Being able to slow the video down to 25% has been great for allowing my brain to catch up and figure things out. It feels like I've done just that particular posture and transition close to 1000x already. Yes, that is a slight exaggeration, LOL. Now that I can replicate the move to the best of my current ability, I will be able to refine and continue forward. I really feel like I'm making some headway.

Acts of Kindness

Wow! I received some great news this week! After about 9 months of helping to manage and provide ongoing support to my oldest brother, he has informed me that his AISH application has been officially approved and will begin receiving money shortly along with some retroactive pay. Numerous hours have been spent getting him housed, help with doctors, finding resources, completing applications and keeping him on track.

There have been moments when I've felt a bit resentful of the time and energy I've had to spend, especially given the family dynamics. After everything that had previously transpired I really didn't expect to have any contact or relationship with either of my brothers.

When he called me with the update I felt immediate relief and joy and very aware of how life changing and powerful Acts of Kindness can be. Acts of Kindness may seem simple much of the time and yet they can have huge ripple effects. 

Through all of this our relationship has improved, my dads mind is more at ease, and the effects of this resolution will help to contribute positively to my brothers overall mental health. With reduced stress levels and improved mental health my brother will be able to enjoy healthier relationships and be a more productive member of his community, instead of being a problem. There is more potential for him to enjoy a healthier and happier life. A lot is still up to him, but he has at least gotten a boost and the support he needs to take some positive steps forward.