I Get To...!

This past week has been all about having a one day at a time or one positive choice at time approach. Success is measured in each healthy meal I eat, every glass of water I drink. a mindful moment, practicing gratitude, a walk with the dog, a tai chi class attended in person and the occasional counter push up. Every positive aspect of my life helps me to manage the emotional stress I find myself currently navigating. 

Dad has now been in hospital for 2 weeks. A fall at home brought him to the hospital, thankfully with no serious injuries, but it was discovered he had moderate hypothermia. His dementia always adds another layer of challenges when it comes to testing and treatments anytime he is in hospital. He can become agitated and more confused. At the beginning of week 2 it was ascertained he most likely had a seizure even though he takes medication for them. They are difficult to discern because outward signs of his seizures are almost non existent and after effects mimic dementia symptoms. After increasing his medication dad has fallen into an almost coma like state. Difficult to know if this is the result of a prolonged seizure, the higher dose of medication or a combination of both.

In addition to being at the hospital daily to support my dad, I'm also having to try to educate myself so I can help make decisions that I don't feel qualified to make. Making decisions that greatly impact another persons life or quality of life weighs on me. 

So I continue to practice gratitude and remind myself over and over again - "I get to..." I get to be here for my dad, I get to be here for myself, I get to experience life! And I trust I'll know when the time is right to let him go and pass peacefully.

Finding Balance

As I tried to capture and define my week I kept getting caught up in feeling stuck and my lack of motivation. This blog could have focused on those unproductive feelings. It could also be about the extra stress I’ve been feeling with my dad in the hospital again and concerned about what the future holds for him. Instead, nature gifted me with her beauty and my focus was redirected to one of awe, appreciation and gratitude.

While walking through the woods this weekend with Willow, I took a moment to look around me, to see and appreciate the beauty and silhouette of the trees with their branches covered in snow. It was that moment of awareness and recognition of the beauty of nature that helped me to feel connected and grounded. It is moments like these that help to remind me what’s truly important and appreciate all that I have and all that I am. These moments also help to fill me up so I can navigate stress and continue to provide support to my dad.

I want to be able to carry forward those feelings of joy and appreciation into everything I do. Whether it’s sitting and enjoying a cup of tea or practising my forms, I can embrace the moment. Taking action and going out of my comfort zone shouldn't mean I will lose those feelings of awe and appreciation. So what is it going to take to bring that balance into all aspects of my life? I believe it will take mindfulness, intent, and ongoing adjustments to my perspective. 

Transitioning into the Year of the Horse will require more intentional effort and action balanced with everything I learned from the Year of the Snake.

Time For Action

Something interesting happened…. I did some counter pushups yesterday. Not because I had to or needed to check a box. It was a random unplanned moment that seemed to just happen automatically. That initial unconscious action then quickly became a conscious decision to continue for 20 reps. 

Apparently it was time to take out a well used tool that’s been gathering some dust for far too long. The concepts behind doing pushups and situps had been applied to other areas of my life, but the original tool had not been discarded. 

I think the key in all this is I’ve been staring to feel a bit stuck and knowing that the time for more action is here or at least drawing very near. So in reality that random moment wasn’t random at all. An established tool and muscle memory took over at an opportune time to remind me how easy and beneficial the effort of doing pushups can be. And to remind me the time for action is here. Makes perfect sense with the Year of the Horse almost upon us.

Breath as a Tool

There were significant key discoveries and take aways from this weeks black belt classes. During Tuesday’s class, we were working on a section in Lao Gar 1 with the focus on chi. After running through that section a number of times and not really feeling much in the way of chi, there was a spot where I realized I needed to adjust my breathing. As soon as I changed my breathing pattern to two inhales with one exhale at the end, everything fell into place. I was able to feel the flow of chi at the end of the sequence and it was pointed out to me that my technique corrected itself as well. 

Breathing differently during the technique brought that section of the form more in line with the Tai Chi I've been focused on this year. My pace slowed down with the extra breath and focus, allowing me time to experience and feel the energy more. Tempo, flow, energy input/output and technique all changed and improved with a simple adjustment to breath. 

A question I ask myself with regards to specific and mindful breathing, is how much of this is a tool to facilitate a particular outcome during a technique or sequence? And at what point is that tool no longer needed? I feel my goal needs to be on the desired outcome becoming natural, and eventually being able to eliminate or shorten some of the pauses or steps. The tool doesn't disappear completely, it just smooths out and becomes more natural with less thought required.

The internal and external styles share many fundamentals principles and Tai Chi has certainly improved and added depth to my Kung Fu. When I practise Tai Chi, I feel I am more aware of chi in each sequence and as I move through the form. There has been a lot of crossover from Tai Chi to my Kung Fu training and I've also been able to apply concepts from the more external forms of Kung Fu to help with my Tai Chi training.

This is definitely something to continue working on and exploring.

Back to Class!

This was the week! I was finally able to return to black belt classes in person after being away for five weeks. Attending classes has always been a priority for me so five weeks is a long time away. Being sick sucks. 

There was a part of me that was missing classes and yet comfort and rest became my priority, which also fueled the excuses to stay away. As symptoms decreased and I continued to feel better, there was no longer a valid reason to not go to class this week.

At the start of Tuesdays class I was unsure of where my energy level was at or how rusty my forms would be. There were two things that stood out for me during that first class back.

1. Forms- With my head in the game, I focused on the form we were doing. I remember thinking as I was going through the form how surprisingly good it felt. There were moments of flow and intensity at times. There were also a few sticky spots, but I didn’t feel stuck. They were noted and I moved on. Looking back now, I realize that I had let go of any expectations and allowed myself to be in the moment. 

2. Bag Kicks- I definitely had lower expectations and less confidence with kicks. My technique, power and speed all need to be addressed while working on a bag. Definitely a hole in my training and skill level that are in need of some care and attention.

So what did I do after class? I went to the Kwoon the following morning to get some practice in and to also start to rebuild a healthy training routine. And I have some thoughts/plans for the coming year.

Pre Sick Normal

There have been moments this week where I’ve had a sense of getting back to my pre sick normal. Post viral symptoms have been decreasing and my energy level has been increasing. It also feels good to be making some plans for next year and setting goals. Making positive and impactful decisions is helping me to get me unstuck from this loop of doing what has been mostly only necessary these past few weeks.

I know my normal is going to be constantly changing and evolving. I also know from past experience I have a degree of control and the ability to shape my experiences and outcomes. I simply need to exercise that control and continue putting one foot in front of the other. Looking forward to putting illness behind me.

Decision Time - Dream Big

It’s decision time!

 For me this means a time of reflection, contemplation and looking to the future. 

The question is whether or not to join the team this coming year. There have been some changes which I feel are exciting, but I also have to consider the extra anxiety caused by continuously stepping outside of my comfort zone.

So what’s holding me back?

• Fear of the unknown
• Stepping out of my comfort zone over and over again
• Navigating the increase in anxiety
• Being in the spotlight
• My own expectations and dreams and the perceived expectation of others

 What is pushing me forward?

• Knowing and having experienced the value of being on the IHC team
• An opportunity to push and expand my limits
• Continued pursuit of mastery
• Dreaming big
• Owning my potential 
• Excited to be a part of the IHC changes

I could continue in my current level of comfort. However, intuitively I know that yes is the correct answer when it comes to making this decision. And I know from past experience that whatever obstacles become my way, I can navigate them using the tools I have accumulated over the years.

Dreaming big requires time, effort and surrounding myself with like minded individuals.

I trust the process and I trust myself!