One Step at a Time

Black belt class, Tai Chi and Wednesday morning training sessions are challenging at times, fulfilling and help to keep me moving forward. When I’m on the mats, life happening outside of the kwoon is paused, and I can focus on Kung Fu and me. 

This past week’s Black belt class, Tai Chi and Wednesday morning training all provided great takeaways. It’s amazing how much one can learn from a single class or conversation. 

Quality time with friends or family and time on the mats is helping me to briefly escape from the melancholy and grief I’m feeling. So even though I’m finding it hard to hold on to the joyful and positive moments, I recognize they’re happening and am grateful.

Mental and physical health are of upmost importance right now so I will continue to take part in activities that I know help to support and ground me.

Back on the Team

As the year of the horse draws near, I can’t help thinking what my year is going to look like. There’s a part of me that is excited for everything the year will bring. There’s also a part of me that feels stuck and struggling mentally when I think about getting back in the groove. I’m worried about all the time and effort needed, the structure, and figuring out how to do justice to the opportunity I’ve signed up for.

This is not a year, where I see myself running out of the gate and racing ahead. My head is spinning, but there is some planning taking place so that is a positive. With 2 weeks to go a lot can change and I may be surprised how well things align and fall into place. 

Momentum will build as I find my rhythm.

Building Compassion in Times of Challenge

Focusing on the positive and appreciating all of the good choices I’ve made during these times of difficulty and challenge is a good start. I also need to be honest with myself and aware of areas I could’ve made better choices or pushed myself more. I can struggle at times finding the right balance between self care and mediocrity. 

I realized this week, less than ideal choices, and the lack of motivation or discipline are actually helping me to foster and further expand my capacity for empathy and compassion. This is because I have compassion for myself and I make myself a priority, allowing for patience and grace. And sometimes I can take that a bit too far and not always make the best or most productive choices, but all in all it’s a learning experience. Through all of this I am building awareness and learning as I go.

As compassion for myself grows, compassion for others grows as well, which I realized also helps me to be a less judgemental and a more empathetic and understanding human being. 

I love the insight and clarity that the process of blogging provides!

Life Goes On

Dad passed away early Sunday morning. It was a bit unexpected and yet not a complete surprise. After 3 weeks of slow decline with a few hopeful improvements here and there, he passed quietly in his sleep. Thankfully I made the choice to stop in Saturday night after the Blackbelt ceremony to see him for a quick visit, not knowing it would be the last time. I believe dad waited to let go, not wanting my brothers and I to have his passing as our last memory of him.

I wasn't sure I would blog this week. Reasons or excuses often factor into the choices we make. Some are even very valid given the situation. I guess what I try to do is ask myself what sacrifices make sense and hope I get it right.  I know not blogging won't serve me, so even when life is challenging I try to push myself and write some sort of blog. In other areas I often shut down, but the blogging remains a priority.

I can grieve, take care of dad's arrangements, and give myself space as needed. The grief at this point seems to come in gentle waves so I do what I can in between. And right now that means get a blog done. Death is inevitable and life goes on. 

I Get To...!

This past week has been all about having a one day at a time or one positive choice at time approach. Success is measured in each healthy meal I eat, every glass of water I drink. a mindful moment, practicing gratitude, a walk with the dog, a tai chi class attended in person and the occasional counter push up. Every positive aspect of my life helps me to manage the emotional stress I find myself currently navigating. 

Dad has now been in hospital for 2 weeks. A fall at home brought him to the hospital, thankfully with no serious injuries, but it was discovered he had moderate hypothermia. His dementia always adds another layer of challenges when it comes to testing and treatments anytime he is in hospital. He can become agitated and more confused. At the beginning of week 2 it was ascertained he most likely had a seizure even though he takes medication for them. They are difficult to discern because outward signs of his seizures are almost non existent and after effects mimic dementia symptoms. After increasing his medication dad has fallen into an almost coma like state. Difficult to know if this is the result of a prolonged seizure, the higher dose of medication or a combination of both.

In addition to being at the hospital daily to support my dad, I'm also having to try to educate myself so I can help make decisions that I don't feel qualified to make. Making decisions that greatly impact another persons life or quality of life weighs on me. 

So I continue to practice gratitude and remind myself over and over again - "I get to..." I get to be here for my dad, I get to be here for myself, I get to experience life! And I trust I'll know when the time is right to let him go and pass peacefully.

Finding Balance

As I tried to capture and define my week I kept getting caught up in feeling stuck and my lack of motivation. This blog could have focused on those unproductive feelings. It could also be about the extra stress I’ve been feeling with my dad in the hospital again and concerned about what the future holds for him. Instead, nature gifted me with her beauty and my focus was redirected to one of awe, appreciation and gratitude.

While walking through the woods this weekend with Willow, I took a moment to look around me, to see and appreciate the beauty and silhouette of the trees with their branches covered in snow. It was that moment of awareness and recognition of the beauty of nature that helped me to feel connected and grounded. It is moments like these that help to remind me what’s truly important and appreciate all that I have and all that I am. These moments also help to fill me up so I can navigate stress and continue to provide support to my dad.

I want to be able to carry forward those feelings of joy and appreciation into everything I do. Whether it’s sitting and enjoying a cup of tea or practising my forms, I can embrace the moment. Taking action and going out of my comfort zone shouldn't mean I will lose those feelings of awe and appreciation. So what is it going to take to bring that balance into all aspects of my life? I believe it will take mindfulness, intent, and ongoing adjustments to my perspective. 

Transitioning into the Year of the Horse will require more intentional effort and action balanced with everything I learned from the Year of the Snake.

Time For Action

Something interesting happened…. I did some counter pushups yesterday. Not because I had to or needed to check a box. It was a random unplanned moment that seemed to just happen automatically. That initial unconscious action then quickly became a conscious decision to continue for 20 reps. 

Apparently it was time to take out a well used tool that’s been gathering some dust for far too long. The concepts behind doing pushups and situps had been applied to other areas of my life, but the original tool had not been discarded. 

I think the key in all this is I’ve been staring to feel a bit stuck and knowing that the time for more action is here or at least drawing very near. So in reality that random moment wasn’t random at all. An established tool and muscle memory took over at an opportune time to remind me how easy and beneficial the effort of doing pushups can be. And to remind me the time for action is here. Makes perfect sense with the Year of the Horse almost upon us.