Being Real

If I truly want to leave meaningful breadcrumbs of substance it’s time for a bit of reality. A blog that really describes where I am, what I’m doing and how I’m feeling. It’s not that I haven’t been accurate in previous blogs, it’s that I haven’t been completely open in sharing with myself or the team.

Going into the start of this year, I feel I had some blinders on of my own making. There is a part of me that wanted to take the everything that worked so well last year and roll it into this year. My thought process was to customize the program to work better for me. I'd simply take a bit of this, a bit of that and voila, perfection! And I know that sounds very ego based, but I also know from first hand experience, how well I do when I'm able to step back, creating more space for myself. It's a bit like decluttering to produce open spaces and blank canvases, facilitating more freedom of movement and thought. 

I’m finding it difficult to let go of something that worked so well for me last year. It’s not that I don’t value everything the program brings to the table. Everything I achieved last year was because of the strong foundation I had built over the years with the tools/requirements provided.

Our very first in person class was quite overwhelming towards the end. It wasn’t the push-ups and sit ups that I knew I needed to work on, it was everything Sfu Rybak talked about as she really laid out what we had signed up for. I could feel my anxiety increasing and the walls closing in. To some degree it felt as if I was loosing some of what I'd gained from the previous year.

Firstly, being unaware of the name change, I thought I had signed up for the IHC when in reality I was signing up for Kao Shi intensive. The word intensive on its own is intimidating and a bit scary. It’s interesting though how the universe brings you exactly what you need even if it’s not necessarily what you want. 

So of course, I had a one on one with Sifu Rybak to discuss everything that was going on in my head. There was a part of me that hoped I could convince her to let me make a few adjustments to the program. There’s that ego again. Of course that didn’t fly, but she was able to talk me down off the ledge I felt I was on.

Recording and tracking everything is a sticking point for me. I’ve never had a problem meeting or exceeding the kilometres or act of kindness numbers. If I could alleviate tracking these two requirements, it would free up some space, not feel so overwhelming and I could still push myself. As Sifu Rybak mentioned these requirements and tracking are about being more intentional and building awareness especially if I already find them easy. Hmm, hard to argue with that.

The rest of the week was spent processing everything and trying to come to terms with what I’d signed up for. And then we had our first virtual class. Not what I would call an enjoyable class, rather a very strong reality check that felt directed to me. By the end of the class I still wasn’t completely sold. I do see value in all the requirements and I can see some value in tracking as a measurement of our progress. I also have personal experience to use as a gauge, which is causing a bit of conflict.

So as I continued to process, I considered my options and I considered why I had signed up in the first place. To add to my life, step out of my comfort zone and to push myself. OK, so I’m definitely getting what I signed up for, no surprise there. With all of this my anxiety level has increased again, but I know with a bit of time I’ll settle in more and be able to manage it better.

I was still at odds though, so I had to ask myself the question do I trust the process? Do I trust my instructors? What it comes down to is can I really say following this program in its entirety does not work for me until I fully embrace and engage in it to the best of my ability? The reason I ask myself this question is because I don't know how much of what I've done in the past is simply based on following guidelines and cherry picking to some degree along the way, versus embracing wholeheartedly and engaging 100% to the best of my ability. 

With all that being said, I’m here to stay, and in the meantime, as I’m working through all of this, I’m putting in consistent effort and slowly figuring out how to keep track and best record my progress for all requirements. 

Unfinished Business

As I look back at previous years and think about team requirements and personal goals, I realize I saw them more as separate entities while still connected to some degree. And yet I don’t think I really thought about them as a whole, and what that could develop into if I embraced them all.

When I think about an all encompassing big picture, what comes to mind is similar to a color by numbers activity. Parts of my picture have been coloured, have added details and are well defined and then there are other areas left unattended, blank or a bit blurry. 

Over the years the areas I’ve filled in and added definition to have created connections helping with the overall picture and I like what I see so far. I just haven't ventured far enough and have some gaps to fill in before I am confident in hanging the finished piece on the wall. 

Pushing myself and stepping out of my comfort zone is a good start. The goal in all this though is to achieve more balanced growth. I see this year as an opportunity to round out my growth, bringing some of those blurred edges into focus and filling in the gaps. I know there is more for me to accomplish.

Good Start & Mix of Emotions

This week has been about introducing a bit more structure and routine into my life, in a way that pushes me to some degree but also makes sense. My initial focus throughout the week has been my hand and weapon forms with minimal daily pushups and sit ups added in. Training during the early part of the day currently seems to work best for me. With that being said, there were a couple of days where adjustments were required and training got done later in the day. I may not have been on track with many of the team requirements, but it was a good start for me.

I'm finding it difficult to jump in fully and commit to the Kao Shi program. It actually feels very overwhelming to view the whole and try to implement everything. This is most likely due in part to spending the past year, figuring things out on my own as I continued to pursue mastery. I was able to rely on the foundation built over many years on the IHC. And even when stuff didn’t go according to plan, or I fell off track, what I was doing worked. I had time and space to figure things out and I thrived.

I experienced often throughout the year how it feels to live in a state of calm and peacefulness. Maybe there is also an age related component that requires me to slow down and reminds me to be more mindful and true to myself. There is certainly a degree of wisdom that all plays a part of where I am at right now.

So the question some and even myself may be asking is why then did I join the team? I joined because I intuitively know it is the next step in my journey. I know a team environment is invaluable when it comes to support and personal growth and I am able to imagine the possibilities for me in the year ahead. 

Aside from the team requirements and my intended personal goals, there is an also a bigger picture I hope and plan to achieve. I know there will be continued personal growth, and opportunities to stretch my bubble. More importantly, though I’m looking to discover and develop my inherent gifts and passions that will help me to define myself as a martial artist. 

Quality Over Quantity

Last year taught me many things: 

• It reiterated the value of regular blogging and how well it serves me. Knowing this is what kept me blogging and engaged even during times when I really wanted to skip a week. 
• I was also reminded over and over, the power of a single mindful moment. Peace, joy and bliss became more the norm.
• There were lessons in perspective, which helped me to look at things differently and subsequently understand control starts with me. I can’t always control situations around me or others, but I can control how I react or respond and that gives me back my power. 
• I discovered the best version of myself is about embracing who I am, here in this current moment in time. It’s not about being better or more. It’s about living life and embracing the moment. It’s learning from mistakes and moving forward or sitting still if that is all I'm able to do at the time. 
• And I learned through experience that developing compassion and understanding towards myself, helps me to further build compassion and empathy towards others, which also helps me to be less judgmental overall. 

When I think about everything I discovered and learned over the course of last year, what comes to mind is quality. This came about because as I was continuing to adapt to life, there was little time mentally or physically to spend on quantity. What's interesting is, even though I trained much less than planned, the training I did was intentional. Awareness increased and with that came important discoveries, which has been pivotal in my journey as a martial artist. 

Much of what I accomplished last year may not be considered by some to be Kung Fu related and yet the ripple effect has had a profound effect on my overall training and personal growth. For me it is that internal and spiritual component and growth that is at the heart of Kung Fu.

I know along with keeping quality in mind there is room for me to push myself and add in a bit more structure in order to continue with the lessons from last year. My goal moving forward this year is to apply the 10 minute rule to my training. 10 minutes per day for my weapon form and 10 minutes for my hand form. This could include running through the entire form, or focusing on a technique or a section. For both forms, it will also include learning and adding on new techniques. 

Quality over quantity is my focus. This will require discipline and intentional effort, building on both mindfulness and awareness. And I know there may be a few beginning stages where quantity is required to to get to a place where quality can then become the focus. 

Another Sign Post - Hips This Way...

The path I currently find myself on is directing my focus towards the hips. Hip Awareness, engagement timing and positioning are all getting some mindful attention as a result.

This journey all started with a basic slide step forward and punch. As soon as I add in a punch my timing is off. I'm launching the punch early which also affects trajectory and vectors. Because I’m already committed to the punch while in motion, my hip is moving forward as well, arriving to it's final destination slightly before it's needed. 

Because of this new focus, I've identified multiple areas in my forms where the hips could benefit from some awareness and adjustments.

Some observations are: I’m not engaging the hip at the right time (committing too soon), and there are times when I’m not releasing the hip as I transition. Intent is key as well as staying in the moment. This requires awareness and control. With improper hip function I'm most likely expending more energy than what is actually necessary. This may also cause a decrease in efficiency and speed.

I’m thinking the primary intent in any transition throughout a sequence needs to be a natural return to centre allowing for the hips to return to a more neutral position. And once I'm in a more neutral position both physically and mentally, I have more options open to me.

One Step at a Time

Black belt class, Tai Chi and Wednesday morning training sessions are challenging at times, fulfilling and help to keep me moving forward. When I’m on the mats, life happening outside of the kwoon is paused, and I can focus on Kung Fu and me. 

This past week’s Black belt class, Tai Chi and Wednesday morning training all provided great takeaways. It’s amazing how much one can learn from a single class or conversation. 

Quality time with friends or family and time on the mats is helping me to briefly escape from the melancholy and grief I’m feeling. So even though I’m finding it hard to hold on to the joyful and positive moments, I recognize they’re happening and am grateful.

Mental and physical health are of upmost importance right now so I will continue to take part in activities that I know help to support and ground me.

Back on the Team

As the year of the horse draws near, I can’t help thinking what my year is going to look like. There’s a part of me that is excited for everything the year will bring. There’s also a part of me that feels stuck and struggling mentally when I think about getting back in the groove. I’m worried about all the time and effort needed, the structure, and figuring out how to do justice to the opportunity I’ve signed up for.

This is not a year, where I see myself running out of the gate and racing ahead. My head is spinning, but there is some planning taking place so that is a positive. With 2 weeks to go a lot can change and I may be surprised how well things align and fall into place. 

Momentum will build as I find my rhythm.