Wheels Falling Off

It’s Sunday morning and my mind is blank and I have no idea what to write. This is not new as the past few weeks have been a struggle when it comes to blogging. It feels like much more effort is required lately when it comes to sorting out my thoughts and putting everything into words that make sense. But it’s also been worth the effort. 

So here I am again feeling the pressure to gather my thoughts, and experiences. I do it though because    blogging matters as it gives meaning and value to my week. Without it the week is gone and forgotten. The act of gathering my thoughts and reflecting helps me to be more present and a more active participant in life. I gain clarity and insight that helps to guide me forward making everything worthwhile even when I'm struggling.

And so I began the process of going back through the week, thinking about the one on ones, black belt class, tai chi class, and all the training I’ve done throughout the week. Before I got through the whole week, there was a thought that popped into my head and I know it is one that has been repeating lately. 

The thought is - 'wheels are falling off.  This is something that we all experience from time to time as we train. It’s not the first time and it won’t be the last, but I've been feeling this a lot lately. I would hope much of this is a temporary situation and is due to the fact that I’m learning and expanding my knowledge and skill. 

Tai Chi is where I notice it the most. Technique isn't feeling as good and flow is suffering. I think part of this is due to digging deeper and developing more intent as I practice and move through the form. So a few wheels falling off could be a good thing. 

I know some of those backward steps are needed in order to move forward. My concern is that some of it is due to ongoing knee issues. When wheels begin to wobble or fall off it can be an opportunity to assess what it going on, ask questions and regroup. And maybe it is a simple reminder to not take anything for granted. And so I will need to sort out why and see if I can get some clarity as to what exactly is happening. The road currently feels a bit bumpy right now. 

I Choose Kung Fu

At times there is a voice inside my head dangling what-ifs and the promise of greener grass if I was to venture down a different path. Maybe yoga or pilates would serve me better? The seemingly easier road and greener grass still has the potential for mastery, but I feel it would also create more space for mediocrity and complacency to eventually creep in. Those alternate paths may check some boxes and provide benefits, but over time there’d be some gaps felt.

And when I think about my journey with Silent River Kung Fu and what propels me to continue on the path I'm currently on, there are number factors that I take into account and remind myself of:

Community - I am surrounded by like minded individuals, feeling supported and at times challenged. I have opportunities to lead, to expand my bubble through teaching and to learn humility. It is also an environment that lends itself to creativity and the sharing of ideas. 

Black belt class - is a micro community within a larger whole. This is where vast knowledge, skill and expertise can be shared and explored more in depth as we begin to expand outward from the foundation built during the years as a Q-belt. It is guided and self directed at the same time, opening up a world of possibility.

Tai chi - on its own could be a completely separate journey fulfilling almost everything Kung Fu does for me. Our eye for detail, mindfulness and awareness that is developed can also be applied to life off the mats. Both Tai Chi and Kung Fu complement each other providing valuable insights.

Blogging - Self discovery through blogging has helped to guide me and expand my awareness and ability to be more open. And it is that awareness and openness that makes those discoveries in my physical training possible. Blogging can give direction and clarity, giving meaning to what may feel like an other wise ho hum week. It often requires a lot of effort, but I also find it meditative and grounding.

My training and journey with Silent River Kung Fu challenges me both mentally and physically. It doesn't matter if I'm on course or off track, I'm always learning and growing as a person and as a martial artist. Even with the mediocrity in my life, the pursuit of mastery is ongoing. My perspective is constantly adjusting, I'm more open to possibilities and my capacity for control continues to expand and is flexible.

Kung Fu is also where I've learned to manage my anxiety and how ego ties into it. And because of this I'm also learning to recognize and understand my ego better and take back some control. I'm constantly expanding my bubble and bringing awareness and mindfulness to my life. The arbitrary limits that I find myself surrounded by can be identified and stretched. That’s what the IHC team has done for me and what the Kao Shi continues to do for me. 

As I go back and read through this blog I'm not surprised by my experiences and growth because I've lived it and yet I am still amazed at it all. There is so much to be thankful for and much to look forward to, which can start to become a bit overwhelming when I consider the scope of everything I'm doing and continue to do. This is were I have to be careful in navigating and managing everything and stay in the moment. (Funny, I just heard Sifu Dennis's voice in my head - "stay in the moment!")

Those other paths that at times call to me may offer their own challenges and benefits, but not to the degree that Kung Fu and being on the team does for me. And the best part is Kung Fu & Tai Chi transfers over into all aspects of my life. So whenever I feel pulled in a completely different direction I’ve decided to ask myself -  "What and how can I add to my life or adjust without having to do a complete 180?" 

The Little Moments

When I look back at the last couple weeks what stands out for me are the little moments and the fact that I’m aware they are happening and able to build on them. It’s these moments and experiences that help me to appreciate and embrace this leg of my journey. And this is a win. 

Maybe my journey isn’t about being on track. Instead, it could be the real value is in the personal challenges and taking care of myself, while still adding effort to find a way forward. And it’s all the little moments that help me to remain engaged and enjoy the journey, even when I’m struggling. 

Here are a few of the moments that stand out for me:

1. Applying a bit of Tai Chi to my hand form.

This started with slowing things down, then I take it further by bringing my focus to my hands as I transition from one technique to the next. Flow is improved, and more importantly my supporting hand becomes engaged almost developing a life of its own. It’s more purposeful and full of potential. And because this happens, I’m able to apply what I am feeling with my supporting hand to the other hand as well. 

There is a release and transfer of power with each technique, but also a cultivation of energy as I reengage during the transitional space and both left and right are working independently together. Harmonization and flexibility of movement begin to take place. I think this is a place where I feel options and adaptability can become more fluid outside of form. 

2. Applying speed to my hand form.

This is not something I do very often because of issues with my knees. Due to time constraints I found myself feeling the need to speed things up. And I was pleasantly surprised at how good it felt. Technique wasn’t the best, but it wasn’t terrible either. Afterwards, I remember thinking and feeling this was the closest I felt to letting go. Not something I feel very often so definitely exciting and something to explore a bit more.

3. Having a forms buddy.

I had approached Shing Burke a month ago about doing form reps together. This is working great as we both get some form reps in that might not otherwise happen. And I’m grateful to her for the reminders at the end of class when I forget.

I can honestly say I’m enjoying all these little moments that maybe aren’t so little after all. And it feels like I’m in a place again where I can explore some of the discoveries I made a couple months ago.

Curiosity & Wonder

Currently life feels a bit like a record skipping and playing the same loop over and over. I’m stuck and I’m struggling is on repeat. Also my knees have been screaming at me more often than usual and grief shows up at random moments prompting the need to process. It doesn't matter if it is all valid because when things begin to sound lame in my own head, I know it’s time to regroup and figure things out. I'm not sure what exactly that is going to look like, but having the awareness and drive to create a change will help.

Getting back into a regular training routine has been a challenge mentally and physically, but I am getting it done. It doesn’t always feel great, but there are moments where the intention is pure and I do feel engaged. I’ve even been able to explore and learn some new moves for my tai chi sword form. So definitely some wins.

Something I've come to realize is I feel my ability to enjoy the journey quietly slipping away, and that is concerning. At first, I thought the problem was a lack of inspiration. But, as I thought about this more, it’s a bit deeper than that. The missing components are actually curiosity and wonder. Having a strong sense of curiosity and wonder is where I feel most engaged in life and everything around me. And this is where I also feel more joy, peace, and contentment. 

There is still a sense of curiosity and wonder in my life and it's something I experience every day. The problem is it’s either lost its lustre or I seem to need a lot more of it to fill me up these days. The one thing that comes to mind is adding in the practice of mindful breathing back into my day. This will help provide opportunities to stop, be in the moment, practice gratitude and build on the curiosity and wonder of everything around me and the beauty of life.

Mending a Relationship

Mending a relationship has been on my mind lately and very present when I submit my Kao Shi report every two months, marking it as incomplete. This requirement often has us looking outward towards other people in our lives; friends, family, coworkers, etc.. 

As I continue to steer myself on a path towards mastery, I find myself looking inward more and more. And I see how my relationship with myself has been expanding and evolving. Being an active participant in a mastery program like the IHC or this year‘s Kao Shi team, encourages me to step out of my comfort zone, pursue opportunities, develop the ability for self reflection and grow through blogging. I am effectively mending a relationship with myself. It’s not that it’s broken, it simply requires ongoing care and attention.

In the grand scope of things, my struggles these past couple months are a minor blip. They come with many opportunities for awareness and growth. I also need to factor in the grieving process I am working through as I navigate this first year without my dad. It is a very real aspect of my life this year and I'm learning to let it in with an open heart so I can heal and move on. Lots of mending going on this year.

Mending and building a relationship with myself is helpful in defining and gaining clarity around the mediocrity in my life and being able to embrace and choose mastery. This happens largely as a result of the relationship I have with myself and how it is evolving. And I view all of this as part of taking care of myself.

Just Do it!

Over the years, I’ve learned the importance of taking care of myself, reflection, digging deep to understand what’s going on and blogging to create breadcrumbs and bring clarity to my journey. All of this helps me to grow as a person and as a martial artist and especially helps me as I work through my own personal struggles.

Even when I’m doing what I can to support my journey, it can still be challenging to find a way forward. As I continue to struggle to some degree, I came to the conclusion it was time to just do it and anpply effort. It may lack some intention and motivation, and it may not even look great, but at some point with continued effort things will change.

So that’s where I’m currently at as I focus primarily on putting in the effort. My training feels messy and even uninspiring at times but it’s getting done. Five days consecutively this week compared to four days last week, so there’s definitely improvement. 

Numbers Update

Current numbers to the end of July:

Pushups - 6210 modified + 850 full for a total of 7060
*working to increase full pushups, currently stuck at 10. Goal is still to reach 20
Situps - 7025
Km's - 449
*tracking intentional Km's
AOK's - 509
Weapon Form - 320 reps + 385 min on individual techniques and learning form. Getting close to learning the final few moves.
Hand Form - 327 reps + 415 min on individual techniques and learning form. Sequence is now complete and can work on refining technique, flow etc.

Sparring - 27
Blogs - 26
Mastery - Still ongoing
Qigong - Qigong warmup completed in Kao Shi class and Black Belt class