A Life Well Lived

A Celebration of Life for my dad was held yesterday, Saturday, April 4th. The week leading up to this has mostly been spent in final preparations and writing a eulogy to honour his life and memory. I found putting together the eulogy helped memories to surface, gaining an even greater appreciation of what a truly wonderful and amazing man he was. My dad was a steady guiding light in many people’s lives. He was unassuming, intelligent, led by example and was always finding opportunities to expand and grow. 

As a young boy dad was a dreamer, often laying on the grass at night, looking up at the stars and dreaming about possibilities. But he did more than just dream - he carried those dreams in his heart, and he used them as fuel to build a beautiful life. 

Dad was always learning, whether it was changing a transmission in his vehicle with help from a neighbour, building our house on the acreage from the ground up (friends and family coming together) or exploring his creativity through drawing and painting. His painting adventures first began with watercolours which also led into photography, before expanding into pastels, oils and acrylics. At some point he also became interested in genealogy, spending many hours researching and collaborating with his sister. Our family tree has been traced back to the year 629, with documentation and supporting records going back to the 1200s. He also liked to dabble in writing short stories from time to time.

He also had an entrepreneurial spirit. Dad owned and operated a rental business with a focus on outdoors equipment while in his 30"s.Then another business later in life operated by him and my mom for 12 years before retiring. He never let his lack of education hold him back. 

Dad was a solid presence with a kind, gentle heart and unwavering support. Quiet by nature, he didn’t speak just to fill the room, but when he did, it was often with a well time joke or a story worth hearing. Beneath his steady exterior was a warm, patient soul who found joy in making others smile. 

When I look back over the years and think about all of dad's accomplishments and the connections he had with family and friends, I’m amazed how seemingly effortless he made it all appear. And as we were finishing up his Celebration of Life on Saturday, it became apparent that dad had spent much of his life in the pursuit of mastery and going beyond his arbitrary limits.

Mastery is the result of consistently going beyond our limits!

Forms & Knee Troubles

My Kung Fu journey started before I signed up as a student. It started sitting on the bench watching some of the instructors, usually brown belts doing their hand forms. It was the forms that really got me thinking and interested in joining Kung Fu. 

As a student it probably wasn’t until about green belt that my love for forms really started to grow and continued to grow. Even with the many challenges over the years there has always been a whole lot of everything that keeps me engaged, improving and connecting so many dots. 

My path forward with regards to forms is becoming murky now. I say this because on one hand, I’m experiencing all these wonderful aha moments and progressions within my forms and Kung Fu. On the other hand, due to issues with both knees, it feels as if I’m regressing. My stances are getting sloppy which is affecting transitions, timing, flow, speed and power. 

Strength, stability and almost constant aches and pains seem to be a regular occurrence these days. Lately I’ve been noticing my left knee has become painful with a single step. It can be fine at times and then suddenly it’s not. When this happens, I immediately focus on how I’m stepping. And I find if I concentrate on really connecting with the heel first and rolling my foot forward, the pain and discomfort is reduced. It can feel as if I'm moving at the pace of a snail. This is something I will need to explore further.

Ongoing knee issues have taught me how to make adjustments, like a pre-pivot or staying more upright as opposed to a squat. They’ve also taught me to push myself, find a way forward and not give up. What’s becoming more apparent though is my stances are suffering. My body compensates to protect the knees with shorter and higher stances, (less bending & weight on the knees). And a proper left lead cat stance is challenging due to stability of the right knee. I can still execute these stances properly and carefully when I slow way down and focus on what needs to be done, but that’s much harder to do within a form.

Although the knee issues are problematic, they require me to be more mindful and my awareness has grown as a result. Now when I stop to correct or sink into a stance, I can feel the difference it makes. I'm connecting the hows and whys, which is very cool. I know from experience, correct stances and alignment helps with my six harmonies, facilitating improved technique, flow, speed, and power. 

Along with the frustration of having issues with both both knees, there have been lots of positives. There are times when I have to remind myself how much the growth I’ve experienced in my Kung Fu and life in general has been due to my knees. I am more connected to my body than I have ever been in the past. I've also realized how lax I've become with doing knee exercises to strengthen and support the knees, so knee exercises have now become part of my daily routine.

Progression Over Perfection

Searching for perfect conditions, the perfect time to train or the perfect tracking method can often lead to mediocrity and stagnation. Instead of looking for the perfect anything, I’m focusing on consistent effort, being mindful and making adjustments as needed. 

As far as tracking goes, this is an ongoing process. I have a blank calendar page that I like to utilize for my push-ups, sit ups, form reps and blogging. I recently started making use of my phone notes to record acts of kindness, with specific details as opposed to just a tally. Tracking kilometres this year will be more intentional. The overall number may be lower than previous years, as it will only measure what I’m doing over and above a normal day at home or work.

Implementing a consistent daily 10 minute routine for both of my forms provides cumulative progression and helps to keep me on track. Each of those 10 minutes is broken down into five minute intervals. Often I'll start with 1or 2 full reps to identify any problem areas needing attention. My goal currently is 3 reps of each form per day. Even with this relatively simple formula, I still struggle some days getting it done. For days when my head is just not in the game I find it helps to start with a specific section I want to work on. This simple start pulls me into the moment and usually provides motivation and the desire to want more.

Committing to 10 minutes of forms per day is helping me to build a routine that is sustainable without having to play catch up due to lost time or opportunity. I know there is room for improvement and adjustments to be made as I begin to add in more. The more I'm talking about is increasing my numbers for push ups (full & modified), sit ups, personal goals and adding in sparring. I'm also looking for opportunities to find time for training at the Kwoon outside of class time. Sustainability and progressing smartly are important to my journey this year.

Being Real

If I truly want to leave meaningful breadcrumbs of substance it’s time for a bit of reality. A blog that really describes where I am, what I’m doing and how I’m feeling. It’s not that I haven’t been accurate in previous blogs, it’s that I haven’t been completely open in sharing with myself or the team.

Going into the start of this year, I feel I had some blinders on of my own making. There is a part of me that wanted to take the everything that worked so well last year and roll it into this year. My thought process was to customize the program to work better for me. I'd simply take a bit of this, a bit of that and voila, perfection! And I know that sounds very ego based, but I also know from first hand experience, how well I do when I'm able to step back, creating more space for myself. It's a bit like decluttering to produce open spaces and blank canvases, facilitating more freedom of movement and thought. 

I’m finding it difficult to let go of something that worked so well for me last year. It’s not that I don’t value everything the program brings to the table. Everything I achieved last year was because of the strong foundation I had built over the years with the tools/requirements provided.

Our very first in person class was quite overwhelming towards the end. It wasn’t the push-ups and sit ups that I knew I needed to work on, it was everything Sfu Rybak talked about as she really laid out what we had signed up for. I could feel my anxiety increasing and the walls closing in. To some degree it felt as if I was loosing some of what I'd gained from the previous year.

Firstly, being unaware of the name change, I thought I had signed up for the IHC when in reality I was signing up for Kao Shi intensive. The word intensive on its own is intimidating and a bit scary. It’s interesting though how the universe brings you exactly what you need even if it’s not necessarily what you want. 

So of course, I had a one on one with Sifu Rybak to discuss everything that was going on in my head. There was a part of me that hoped I could convince her to let me make a few adjustments to the program. There’s that ego again. Of course that didn’t fly, but she was able to talk me down off the ledge I felt I was on.

Recording and tracking everything is a sticking point for me. I’ve never had a problem meeting or exceeding the kilometres or act of kindness numbers. If I could alleviate tracking these two requirements, it would free up some space, not feel so overwhelming and I could still push myself. As Sifu Rybak mentioned these requirements and tracking are about being more intentional and building awareness especially if I already find them easy. Hmm, hard to argue with that.

The rest of the week was spent processing everything and trying to come to terms with what I’d signed up for. And then we had our first virtual class. Not what I would call an enjoyable class, rather a very strong reality check that felt directed to me. By the end of the class I still wasn’t completely sold. I do see value in all the requirements and I can see some value in tracking as a measurement of our progress. I also have personal experience to use as a gauge, which is causing a bit of conflict.

So as I continued to process, I considered my options and I considered why I had signed up in the first place. To add to my life, step out of my comfort zone and to push myself. OK, so I’m definitely getting what I signed up for, no surprise there. With all of this my anxiety level has increased again, but I know with a bit of time I’ll settle in more and be able to manage it better.

I was still at odds though, so I had to ask myself the question do I trust the process? Do I trust my instructors? What it comes down to is can I really say following this program in its entirety does not work for me until I fully embrace and engage in it to the best of my ability? The reason I ask myself this question is because I don't know how much of what I've done in the past is simply based on following guidelines and cherry picking to some degree along the way, versus embracing wholeheartedly and engaging 100% to the best of my ability. 

With all that being said, I’m here to stay, and in the meantime, as I’m working through all of this, I’m putting in consistent effort and slowly figuring out how to keep track and best record my progress for all requirements. 

Unfinished Business

As I look back at previous years and think about team requirements and personal goals, I realize I saw them more as separate entities while still connected to some degree. And yet I don’t think I really thought about them as a whole, and what that could develop into if I embraced them all.

When I think about an all encompassing big picture, what comes to mind is similar to a color by numbers activity. Parts of my picture have been coloured, have added details and are well defined and then there are other areas left unattended, blank or a bit blurry. 

Over the years the areas I’ve filled in and added definition to have created connections helping with the overall picture and I like what I see so far. I just haven't ventured far enough and have some gaps to fill in before I am confident in hanging the finished piece on the wall. 

Pushing myself and stepping out of my comfort zone is a good start. The goal in all this though is to achieve more balanced growth. I see this year as an opportunity to round out my growth, bringing some of those blurred edges into focus and filling in the gaps. I know there is more for me to accomplish.

Good Start & Mix of Emotions

This week has been about introducing a bit more structure and routine into my life, in a way that pushes me to some degree but also makes sense. My initial focus throughout the week has been my hand and weapon forms with minimal daily pushups and sit ups added in. Training during the early part of the day currently seems to work best for me. With that being said, there were a couple of days where adjustments were required and training got done later in the day. I may not have been on track with many of the team requirements, but it was a good start for me.

I'm finding it difficult to jump in fully and commit to the Kao Shi program. It actually feels very overwhelming to view the whole and try to implement everything. This is most likely due in part to spending the past year, figuring things out on my own as I continued to pursue mastery. I was able to rely on the foundation built over many years on the IHC. And even when stuff didn’t go according to plan, or I fell off track, what I was doing worked. I had time and space to figure things out and I thrived.

I experienced often throughout the year how it feels to live in a state of calm and peacefulness. Maybe there is also an age related component that requires me to slow down and reminds me to be more mindful and true to myself. There is certainly a degree of wisdom that all plays a part of where I am at right now.

So the question some and even myself may be asking is why then did I join the team? I joined because I intuitively know it is the next step in my journey. I know a team environment is invaluable when it comes to support and personal growth and I am able to imagine the possibilities for me in the year ahead. 

Aside from the team requirements and my intended personal goals, there is an also a bigger picture I hope and plan to achieve. I know there will be continued personal growth, and opportunities to stretch my bubble. More importantly, though I’m looking to discover and develop my inherent gifts and passions that will help me to define myself as a martial artist. 

Quality Over Quantity

Last year taught me many things: 

• It reiterated the value of regular blogging and how well it serves me. Knowing this is what kept me blogging and engaged even during times when I really wanted to skip a week. 
• I was also reminded over and over, the power of a single mindful moment. Peace, joy and bliss became more the norm.
• There were lessons in perspective, which helped me to look at things differently and subsequently understand control starts with me. I can’t always control situations around me or others, but I can control how I react or respond and that gives me back my power. 
• I discovered the best version of myself is about embracing who I am, here in this current moment in time. It’s not about being better or more. It’s about living life and embracing the moment. It’s learning from mistakes and moving forward or sitting still if that is all I'm able to do at the time. 
• And I learned through experience that developing compassion and understanding towards myself, helps me to further build compassion and empathy towards others, which also helps me to be less judgmental overall. 

When I think about everything I discovered and learned over the course of last year, what comes to mind is quality. This came about because as I was continuing to adapt to life, there was little time mentally or physically to spend on quantity. What's interesting is, even though I trained much less than planned, the training I did was intentional. Awareness increased and with that came important discoveries, which has been pivotal in my journey as a martial artist. 

Much of what I accomplished last year may not be considered by some to be Kung Fu related and yet the ripple effect has had a profound effect on my overall training and personal growth. For me it is that internal and spiritual component and growth that is at the heart of Kung Fu.

I know along with keeping quality in mind there is room for me to push myself and add in a bit more structure in order to continue with the lessons from last year. My goal moving forward this year is to apply the 10 minute rule to my training. 10 minutes per day for my weapon form and 10 minutes for my hand form. This could include running through the entire form, or focusing on a technique or a section. For both forms, it will also include learning and adding on new techniques. 

Quality over quantity is my focus. This will require discipline and intentional effort, building on both mindfulness and awareness. And I know there may be a few beginning stages where quantity is required to to get to a place where quality can then become the focus.