Conflicted

On one hand, I’ve got a list of team requirements and personal goals to take care of each day. And lately they are not getting done the way I want, need or should be doing them. My body just doesn’t seem to want to cooperate these days as I deal with additional aches and pains. Restart mode seems to be the norm too often. Push ups and blogging are the main things helping to keep me veering completely off path.

At the same time I’m feeling and experiencing all these great insights and progression in my Kung Fu training. The discoveries have been exciting, but it also feels like I’m moving a bit too fast at times. When I start to feel like this, I can find myself stepping back, and even stopping completely, so definitely something to be aware of. For the most part I’ve been enjoying the progress.  

When I think about failure, I see it as a slower, up-and-down pace that can lead to amazing growth when taken with a positive frame of mind. Even though it’s not always a pleasant state to be in, I think it’s a bit easier to control where I am and what I’m doing, if that makes sense. 

Success can be a slow even pace or it can be a bit wild, exciting and take you to places you never even imagined. Again, lots of potential here. When the flow of success is faster it can feel a bit more out of control as we ride that wave. And with each success, the bar tends to get raised and expectations change. I think it’s those expectations of myself and others that cause me to want to put the brakes on and slow things down. Kinda of a whoa, am I ready for all this?

It’s not that I’m more comfortable in growth as a result of failure. It’s more so about finding a way to become more comfortable with success. And when I say more comfortable, I don’t mean complacent or ego driven. As humans I believe we all have the capacity for greatness and being awesome outside of ego. There are times when I can feel this in myself, which is both scary and filled with potential. 

I wasn't sure I was going to share all this, but there it is. And I will continue to find a way forward as I embrace success.

Vocabulary & Kung Fu

I’ve been thinking about vocabulary lately when it comes to our kung fu training. There are challenges we face both as instructors and as students in our effort to learn or teach when it comes to the complexities of movement.

Something as simple as being told to engage the hip or bigger circles can seem very basic and yet at times barely scratches the surface of what we are trying to communicate or even understand. This is often because we lack the complete understanding of how the body moves, and can take things too literally. Our understanding is usually at a surface level. We think we know the desired outcome and the basics of how to get there, but we're missing a key ingredient or two. 

The more I train the more I find that being a well-rounded martial artist requires expanding my bubble of knowledge and experience. My training needs to not be limited to the just the mats. For me I've found it beneficial to read articles about Tai Chi, educating myself about the Taijiquan system and exploring other practices like Qigong. From there, I’ve been able to pull pieces of the puzzle that all work together and gain a deeper and expanded understanding of things like hip engagement or bigger circles for example. And recently something as simple as a punch and how and when we engage the shoulder has created new avenues for me to explore.

The restrictions of the English language, and our lack of vocabulary at times, doesn’t need to hold us back. Instead it can actually push us to learn and grow. We all have the ability to explore and search out answers. This is how we evolve as martial artist and as human beings.

Kao Shi Program is Working!

What stands out for me as I consider and reflect back on the week is that the Kao Shi program is working. The requirements which have been designed to act as valuable tools on our paths towards mastery are working. The reason I say this is because even with gaps in my requirements and holes to be filled, every bit of effort I have put in to achieve results and stay on track is charging my system, providing a valuable internal network of resources. 

And lately with routine and consistency being disrupted, I have that network of resources that  automatically kicks in as long as I'm still focused on moving forward. I have built reserves to pull from. And I'm finding that my momentum starts to build naturally. There are days when effort can look very different than a required push-up or form rep. The effort and subsequent achievements I've been experiencing were born out of those foundational requirements.

I've learned the push-ups & sit ups, the form reps, blogging, etc all need to continue to be a priority. This is because when consistency or routine is disrupted there still needs to be a foundation that is being maintained. If you were to stop all together the foundation begins to crumble and the reserves start to dissolve. 

So even though my reps are down again this week, my personal goal of learning and teaching Qigong is back on track. I’m also discovering great insights into a simple punch and my body mechanics behind it. I’ve made some great discoveries with regards to hip rotation and core engagement that will most likely become a separate blog. And I have pages of notes from multiple one on ones this past week as well as great takeaways from Saturdays class. An excellent week! 

Monday is a restart to attend to those priorities and I’m excited to see where this next week takes me.

Self Sabotage

I want to start this blog with appreciation for being in a place where I am struggling while still recognizing the positives in my life. I know if I were to keep a daily tally sheet tracking everything I achieve versus poor choices and missed opportunities, the pros would far outweigh the cons. 

It is always good to have awareness and appreciation for the big and small moments that keep us moving forward, never taking anything for granted. And when we stumble or self sabotage it's just as important to  take notice and have self awareness so we can ask for help if needed, dig deeper into the why and then begin to take action to break the self defeating patterns. 

Self sabotage is engaging in behaviour that undermines or contradicts our values and intentions.

What I find interesting about this is I can see myself in the moment engaging in those self defeating behaviours or at the very least shortly after. Avoidance, denial or dissociation become the main focus. As Sifu Rybak suggested, sabotage your self sabotaging behavior. For example if junk food or sweets are too tempting don't buy them or have them accessible. Identify and interrupt the pattern. Develop positive coping skills like mindful breathing, connect with a friend, go for a walk, or engage in an enjoyable activity. Find something that works for you.

As I continue to rebuild some consistency and make better choices, my focus will also be on understanding my self sabotaging behaviors and breaking the pattern. With this in mind I will start by not buying or consuming any sweets and refined sugars. I have done this before with long term success so I know it is doable. I hesitated to add this to my blog, but if I put it out there then it will help me to be more accountable. 

I also challenge everyone on the team with identifying and finding a way to break a self sabotaging behavior and post a blog about it.

The Great Unknown

Lately, my brain has been swirling with thoughts about my training and where my martial arts path is heading.

When I first discovered the wave stepping pattern from the lion dance shows up at different times during Mlong Kuen I was inspired to work through it and make the corrections. I then began to dive a bit deeper and confront my lack of experience and skill when it comes to lion dancing and the connection it has with the rest of our Kung Fu.

I quickly realized I've been making excuses. Knees issues, remembering the sequence and understanding the drumming are key roadblocks for me. Having trouble recognizing the different musical cues of the drum complicates the whole process of learning to lion dance. It would be easy to just learn the wave stepping pattern, adapt it to the hand form, and skip the rest. I've decided it's time to drop the excuses and put more effort into learning how to lion dance, asking for help along the way.

Along with this realization, other issues kept popping up and slowing me down over the past few weeks. This has left room for procrastination and a lack of motivation in many areas of my training. A big part of the procrastination is the uncertainty and fear of moving forward, causing me to stall. The beauty of this is I'm already somewhat paused so it is a perfect time to explore what is holding me back, look deeper and ask some questions:

Where am I, what am I doing?

Where am I going?

What direction do I take?

Where do I see myself?

These questions have me considering my path forward and seeing the need to start making more concrete plans. This is something that has been on my mind for a while now. One of the things I've been procrastinating on is my primary personal goal of learning Qigong and eventually teaching a seminar in the future. I had been working on this and then stopped.

As I explore my current state of procrastination, and lack of motivation, I see a common thread of fear and uncertainty. A fear of change, of starting over as I step into something relatively new and letting go, and what that transition will look like.

Through this all I know much of what is going on in my head is perspective and a bit of ego. With that awareness I also know control and adaptability starts with me and is easily within my reach. I just need to get out of my own way, slow down, listen and allow my practice to evolve with me. And take a leap of faith.

Back on Track

This past week has felt pretty good. I’ve gotten back on track and am re-establishing a consistent routine. There has been some necessary changes as I navigate my current status and find ways to make adjustments, but overall it feels good to be moving forward again.

I was a bit concerned about losing some ground with my full push-ups, but I’ve been able to maintain reps of 10 so that is good. And I will continue to add on as my body allows. The biggest positive is, I also learned the last few moves of Mlong Kuen this week, completing the sequence. Now it’s time for some fine-tuning. 

Learning, any new hand or weapon form has always been a challenge for me and has even created road blocks at times. Even though it still takes me longer to learn a form, I’m more in the moment, my awareness is increasing and I’m embracing the learning process.

I love everything Mlong Kuen is teaching me. This is a form that challenges my vocabulary of motion and is expanding my tool box. It incorporates a number of techniques using both the left and right side, really helping to feel the difference from one side to the other and learn from both. And there are times when I feel my body mechanics needing to adapt and move differently. Pushing myself beyond the muscle memory learned over the years is exciting because it increases my adaptability and opens up a world of possibilities. Mlong Kuen has helped me realize there is so much more my body can do even when it doesn’t at first feel natural, giving me more options.

A Minor Glitch

Oops, somehow I failed to realize the challenges of jet lag after returning home from my trip to China. A 14 hour time difference and all that time on a plane causes havoc with a person‘s system and internal clock. Approximately one day for every hour of time zone change is required for the body to readjust. 

I had pre planned and adjusted my training while in China, and had solid measurable results, but somehow completely missed what returning home might look like. In the past when I’ve travelled jet lag didn’t really affect me all that much. Maybe that is why I didn’t factor it into the equation. 

Getting back on track with a sleep routine has been ok, but what I’m finding surprising is how drained I feel throughout the day. And as I slowly began to feel a bit more like myself, something occurred with my left leg. It could be a combination of fatigue, Tuesdays kicks, and knees that have just been overdone with all the walking and stairs in the past few weeks. Any motivation I was able to muster up disappeared after adding in the unexpected pain/discomfort and reduced leg stability to the jet lag.

What I do have is great feedback/experience to draw on for my next trip. I will now factor in jet lag for future trips. Sometimes life has other plans, so it’s a great reminder to take care of myself and listen to my body. 

This is also another opportunity to practice an aspect of mastery that often gets overlooked - internal cultivation and embracing the moment. (I seem to be getting these reminders more and more.) This aspect of mastery tends to be less outwardly active or results driven, and harder to measure. It is also where a lot of clarity and personal growth can occur which is just as important, maybe even more so because it helps facilitate better responses to situations and guide us on our physical paths.

 I feel this relates very closely to the direction my physical forms training is taking me this year. Finding a way to apply more internal calmness and centeredness may help me to develop more flow and ease of movement within intentional action.