The Little Moments

When I look back at the last couple weeks what stands out for me are the little moments and the fact that I’m aware they are happening and able to build on them. It’s these moments and experiences that help me to appreciate and embrace this leg of my journey. And this is a win. 

Maybe my journey isn’t about being on track. Instead, it could be the real value is in the personal challenges and taking care of myself, while still adding effort to find a way forward. And it’s all the little moments that help me to remain engaged and enjoy the journey, even when I’m struggling. 

Here are a few of the moments that stand out for me:

1. Applying a bit of Tai Chi to my hand form.

This started with slowing things down, then I take it further by bringing my focus to my hands as I transition from one technique to the next. Flow is improved, and more importantly my supporting hand becomes engaged almost developing a life of its own. It’s more purposeful and full of potential. And because this happens, I’m able to apply what I am feeling with my supporting hand to the other hand as well. 

There is a release and transfer of power with each technique, but also a cultivation of energy as I reengage during the transitional space and both left and right are working independently together. Harmonization and flexibility of movement begin to take place. I think this is a place where I feel options and adaptability can become more fluid outside of form. 

2. Applying speed to my hand form.

This is not something I do very often because of issues with my knees. Due to time constraints I found myself feeling the need to speed things up. And I was pleasantly surprised at how good it felt. Technique wasn’t the best, but it wasn’t terrible either. Afterwards, I remember thinking and feeling this was the closest I felt to letting go. Not something I feel very often so definitely exciting and something to explore a bit more.

3. Having a forms buddy.

I had approached Shing Burke a month ago about doing form reps together. This is working great as we both get some form reps in that might not otherwise happen. And I’m grateful to her for the reminders at the end of class when I forget.

I can honestly say I’m enjoying all these little moments that maybe aren’t so little after all. And it feels like I’m in a place again where I can explore some of the discoveries I made a couple months ago.

Curiosity & Wonder

Currently life feels a bit like a record skipping and playing the same loop over and over. I’m stuck and I’m struggling is on repeat. Also my knees have been screaming at me more often than usual and grief shows up at random moments prompting the need to process. It doesn't matter if it is all valid because when things begin to sound lame in my own head, I know it’s time to regroup and figure things out. I'm not sure what exactly that is going to look like, but having the awareness and drive to create a change will help.

Getting back into a regular training routine has been a challenge mentally and physically, but I am getting it done. It doesn’t always feel great, but there are moments where the intention is pure and I do feel engaged. I’ve even been able to explore and learn some new moves for my tai chi sword form. So definitely some wins.

Something I've come to realize is I feel my ability to enjoy the journey quietly slipping away, and that is concerning. At first, I thought the problem was a lack of inspiration. But, as I thought about this more, it’s a bit deeper than that. The missing components are actually curiosity and wonder. Having a strong sense of curiosity and wonder is where I feel most engaged in life and everything around me. And this is where I also feel more joy, peace, and contentment. 

There is still a sense of curiosity and wonder in my life and it's something I experience every day. The problem is it’s either lost its lustre or I seem to need a lot more of it to fill me up these days. The one thing that comes to mind is adding in the practice of mindful breathing back into my day. This will help provide opportunities to stop, be in the moment, practice gratitude and build on the curiosity and wonder of everything around me and the beauty of life.

Mending a Relationship

Mending a relationship has been on my mind lately and very present when I submit my Kao Shi report every two months, marking it as incomplete. This requirement often has us looking outward towards other people in our lives; friends, family, coworkers, etc.. 

As I continue to steer myself on a path towards mastery, I find myself looking inward more and more. And I see how my relationship with myself has been expanding and evolving. Being an active participant in a mastery program like the IHC or this year‘s Kao Shi team, encourages me to step out of my comfort zone, pursue opportunities, develop the ability for self reflection and grow through blogging. I am effectively mending a relationship with myself. It’s not that it’s broken, it simply requires ongoing care and attention.

In the grand scope of things, my struggles these past couple months are a minor blip. They come with many opportunities for awareness and growth. I also need to factor in the grieving process I am working through as I navigate this first year without my dad. It is a very real aspect of my life this year and I'm learning to let it in with an open heart so I can heal and move on. Lots of mending going on this year.

Mending and building a relationship with myself is helpful in defining and gaining clarity around the mediocrity in my life and being able to embrace and choose mastery. This happens largely as a result of the relationship I have with myself and how it is evolving. And I view all of this as part of taking care of myself.

Just Do it!

Over the years, I’ve learned the importance of taking care of myself, reflection, digging deep to understand what’s going on and blogging to create breadcrumbs and bring clarity to my journey. All of this helps me to grow as a person and as a martial artist and especially helps me as I work through my own personal struggles.

Even when I’m doing what I can to support my journey, it can still be challenging to find a way forward. As I continue to struggle to some degree, I came to the conclusion it was time to just do it and anpply effort. It may lack some intention and motivation, and it may not even look great, but at some point with continued effort things will change.

So that’s where I’m currently at as I focus primarily on putting in the effort. My training feels messy and even uninspiring at times but it’s getting done. Five days consecutively this week compared to four days last week, so there’s definitely improvement. 

Numbers Update

Current numbers to the end of July:

Pushups - 6210 modified + 850 full for a total of 7060
*working to increase full pushups, currently stuck at 10. Goal is still to reach 20
Situps - 7025
Km's - 449
*tracking intentional Km's
AOK's - 509
Weapon Form - 320 reps + 385 min on individual techniques and learning form. Getting close to learning the final few moves.
Hand Form - 327 reps + 415 min on individual techniques and learning form. Sequence is now complete and can work on refining technique, flow etc.

Sparring - 27
Blogs - 26
Mastery - Still ongoing
Qigong - Qigong warmup completed in Kao Shi class and Black Belt class

Gaining Clarity

Last weeks blog did not give me the clarity I usually get from blogging and left me feeling a bit at odds. It wasn't until after having a conversation with both Sifu Brinker and Sifu Rybak that I was able to gain more clarity. It's interesting because Sifu Rybak had used the word trust in our conversation, which was something I had though about as I was concluding last weeks blog but didn't explore. A timely reminder to trust myself and the process. Something else that stood out was understanding the not so obvious balance between efforts and progression. The two may not always line up at the exact time. Previous efforts may be what leads to current or future progression. 

The word coasting came up briefly as well, but not in a negative way. I had to chew on this a bit and what I’ve discovered is when I link it to efforts and progression, I can see the benefit of coasting. Coasting can allow a person to catch up on everything they are absorbing, learning and discovering, and find ways to apply, adding to the foundation. And the conversation with Sifu Brinker helped me to consider the possibility of other factors at play. After some reflection I was able to cross them off at this time, but also file them away for future use and consideration. 

With another restart this week, my goal was to really dig in and get some form reps done each day, building consistency back in. The reality was I managed to get 4 days in a row before dropping the ball. The failure of not making it the full week gives me something to work towards, and the success I did have provides some motivational fuel to continue forward.

I believe where I’m currently at and what I’m doing or not doing is partially related to my progress when it comes to memorizing/learning and absorbing the lessons Mastery by Stewart Emery provides. I have been successful with this requirement in the past and much of it has become engrained in how I live my life. A printed copy of Mastery hangs on a wall in my bedroom and yet I'm having to currently mark this as incomplete because I'm no longer able to recite it from start to finish. Yes, there is still a good understanding, but also much to be gained from keeping up with this requirement. Truthfully, I haven’t given it my full attention, time or effort. Maybe a bit of resistance here and I think it's partly because I’ve taken it for granted to some degree. I have always found the lessons embedded in Mastery by Stewart Emery to be multi layered. Much like our forms, with intentional repetition and effort there is depth to be discovered as we continue to evolve. This requirement is not a one and done tool. 

Conflicted

On one hand, I’ve got a list of team requirements and personal goals to take care of each day. And lately they are not getting done the way I want, need or should be doing them. My body just doesn’t seem to want to cooperate these days as I deal with additional aches and pains. Restart mode seems to be the norm too often. Push ups and blogging are the main things helping to keep me veering completely off path.

At the same time I’m feeling and experiencing all these great insights and progression in my Kung Fu training. The discoveries have been exciting, but it also feels like I’m moving a bit too fast at times. When I start to feel like this, I can find myself stepping back, and even stopping completely, so definitely something to be aware of. For the most part I’ve been enjoying the progress.  

When I think about failure, I see it as a slower, up-and-down pace that can lead to amazing growth when taken with a positive frame of mind. Even though it’s not always a pleasant state to be in, I think it’s a bit easier to control where I am and what I’m doing, if that makes sense. 

Success can be a slow even pace or it can be a bit wild, exciting and take you to places you never even imagined. Again, lots of potential here. When the flow of success is faster it can feel a bit more out of control as we ride that wave. And with each success, the bar tends to get raised and expectations change. I think it’s those expectations of myself and others that cause me to want to put the brakes on and slow things down. Kinda of a whoa, am I ready for all this?

It’s not that I’m more comfortable in growth as a result of failure. It’s more so about finding a way to become more comfortable with success. And when I say more comfortable, I don’t mean complacent or ego driven. As humans I believe we all have the capacity for greatness and being awesome outside of ego. There are times when I can feel this in myself, which is both scary and filled with potential. 

I wasn't sure I was going to share all this, but there it is. And I will continue to find a way forward as I embrace success.