Reflections, Part 2

I Have taken some time this week to really dig deeper and reflect more on what this past year means to me and how I've grown. After last weeks blog I just wasn't feeling great about where my perspective had taken me. I had a conversation with Sifu Brinker earlier this week, which really prompted some deeper thinking and I realised my thought process has been too general. Instead of grouping everything into one big piece, I needed to break the year down into specific pieces. As a result, I was able to process everything easier and began to see the growth in those individual pieces.

In addition, I had created an idea in my mind of what I wanted for personal growth, and was let down by the results. Not blaming the program, but instead blaming myself. This was a barrier I created in my own mind. When I quit looking at what I wanted out of the program, I was able to actually see what I had received. The barrier was removed.

Here is what I've figured out:

Journaling has been the most important and profound growth for me this year. It is a record of my journey this year and has given me a voice and connection. It prompts me to reflect in a manner that creates awareness, growth and a deeper personal conscious thought process.

I have enjoyed learning the nunchuks this year. I chose to create my own form because I didn't want the added pressure of trying to learn and remember the school form. After a lot of time, effort and numerous revisions, as well as adding a musical form for the Tiger Challenge, I am quite happy with the results for my first go at this. Next time, I will have the confidence to learn a school form. Now that's growth!

When I think back to that very first performance in class with my nunchuks and where I am today, I can recognise and feel the difference. My nerves and anxiety are always present whenever I'm doing anything in front of other people, but they have lessened a small degree and despite the nerves I enjoy doing the demos with the team. There has definitely been growth and I will continue working on becoming more confident.

For hand forms, I chose kempo to practise over and over 1000 times. At the beginning of the year, I enjoyed doing kempo, but as I started to break it down and make adjustments, it changed for me. I became frustrated, discouraged and humbled. Kempo and I were no longer friends! I was embarrassed to even practise kempo during open training, so I just stopped altogether. We are told and we know that kung fu means hard work! We are also told to take what we are learning and practise, practise, practise! It wasn't until around late August that I looked at my number of reps for kempo and thought, I need to figure this out. I realised that kempo and I would never stand a chance of being friends if I didn't put some time and effort into making that happen. So I made a plan and committed myself to practising over and over. Many more adjustments have been made and we are slowly becoming friends again. I don't think that 1000 reps of kempo will ever be enough, but much improvement and learning can be found in those reps. Kung fu is hard work, not just physical, but mentally as well, and it really does translate into every aspect of my life.

I have also had a number of experiences these past few months that reinforce what Sifu Brinker mentioned at our last meeting in regards to dwelling on stuff. When I talk to a friend or anyone who is supportive and knowledgeable about a dilemma, I have sometimes been able to answer my own question during the conversation or I have been given a different perspective to think about. Problem solved! Dwelling on something is certainly not productive and wastes a lot of time and energy that could be better spent.

There have been numerous other small changes as a result of my year on the sheep team. Even this past weeks' reflection and learning has been huge for me. Isn't it amazing that so much can happen in such a short period of time? While I may not be able to even see all the changes right now, a ripple effect has been created and the forward motion has begun.  

Michele Ward