Mending Fences

One of the I Ho Chuan requirements each year is to mend a relationship.

Part of growing and evolving as a human being is recognizing that while you do not have the ability to control other people's words and actions, you have complete control over how you choose to interpret those words and actions. 

I had the opportunity to discover for myself this past week exactly how accurate these words are. I had received a letter from my ex-mother in-law containing individual letters and RESP money for both of my sons. My ex's dad and his wife had set up an education fund many years ago for all the grandchildren in the event they attended post secondary school. Grandpa Ward passed away in January and his wife decided to cash in the fund and distribute the money to the boys right now. She wrote a letter to each of the boys explaining what the money was originally intended for and went on to say how proud she was to have known them since they were babies and to have been called grandma, but that the chances of them having any further connection would be very slim.

I just didn't get it! Numerous thoughts swirled around in my brain. None of them good! Their grandpa recently passed away, their dad is not around at all, we lost my mom 8 years ago and now it seems their grandma Ward is cutting connections with them. How does a grandparent do that, especially when her grandchildren have already lost so much?

In the past the Ward grandparents moved around a fair bit and even though they were always living somewhere in Alberta and usually only 2 hours away, we didn't see them often. They didn't like to impose even though they were family and rarely reached out to get together.  Most of the effort seemed to come from us, but everyone got along very well and we really enjoyed each others company. After the divorce things changed and they saw the kids even less, but I have always tried to maintain a connection with them.

After receiving the letter, I could of stayed angry and hurt and let that connection dissolve. Instead I called Grandma Ward to thank her for sending money for Logan and Dustin and after a few minutes of catching up, I asked her why she had stated her connection with her grandchildren would be slim going forward. I explained to her that I interpreted her statement as not wanting to have any further connection with them. She explained that was not the case. Apparently after Grandpa Ward passed away very few of his family members had any contact with her. She thought it was quite possible Grandpa Ward had been the one to tie everyone together in this blended family of ours. Her intention had not been to sever connections with her grandchildren. She simply wanted the kids to know that she understood if and why they no longer felt any connection to her. I assured her we would always think of her as family and still wanted a connection even though we had not recently made a very good effort.

Communication is obviously extremely important to any relationship, especially when you feel something is not quite right. Interpreting situations and words incorrectly can cause damage. It would be a much more productive use of our energy trying to prevent conflict and repair relationships. I wouldn't call this relationship completely mended yet as there is certainly some more work to be done. Although it is definitely a good start and we are headed in the right direction.

Michele Ward