Self Sabotage

I want to start this blog with appreciation for being in a place where I am struggling while still recognizing the positives in my life. I know if I were to keep a daily tally sheet tracking everything I achieve versus poor choices and missed opportunities, the pros would far outweigh the cons. 

It is always good to have awareness and appreciation for the big and small moments that keep us moving forward, never taking anything for granted. And when we stumble or self sabotage it's just as important to  take notice and have self awareness so we can ask for help if needed, dig deeper into the why and then begin to take action to break the self defeating patterns. 

Self sabotage is engaging in behaviour that undermines or contradicts our values and intentions.

What I find interesting about this is I can see myself in the moment engaging in those self defeating behaviours or at the very least shortly after. Avoidance, denial or dissociation become the main focus. As Sifu Rybak suggested, sabotage your self sabotaging behavior. For example if junk food or sweets are too tempting don't buy them or have them accessible. Identify and interrupt the pattern. Develop positive coping skills like mindful breathing, connect with a friend, go for a walk, or engage in an enjoyable activity. Find something that works for you.

As I continue to rebuild some consistency and make better choices, my focus will also be on understanding my self sabotaging behaviors and breaking the pattern. With this in mind I will start by not buying or consuming any sweets and refined sugars. I have done this before with long term success so I know it is doable. I hesitated to add this to my blog, but if I put it out there then it will help me to be more accountable. 

I also challenge everyone on the team with identifying and finding a way to break a self sabotaging behavior and post a blog about it.

The Great Unknown

Lately, my brain has been swirling with thoughts about my training and where my martial arts path is heading.

When I first discovered the wave stepping pattern from the lion dance shows up at different times during Mlong Kuen I was inspired to work through it and make the corrections. I then began to dive a bit deeper and confront my lack of experience and skill when it comes to lion dancing and the connection it has with the rest of our Kung Fu.

I quickly realized I've been making excuses. Knees issues, remembering the sequence and understanding the drumming are key roadblocks for me. Having trouble recognizing the different musical cues of the drum complicates the whole process of learning to lion dance. It would be easy to just learn the wave stepping pattern, adapt it to the hand form, and skip the rest. I've decided it's time to drop the excuses and put more effort into learning how to lion dance, asking for help along the way.

Along with this realization, other issues kept popping up and slowing me down over the past few weeks. This has left room for procrastination and a lack of motivation in many areas of my training. A big part of the procrastination is the uncertainty and fear of moving forward, causing me to stall. The beauty of this is I'm already somewhat paused so it is a perfect time to explore what is holding me back, look deeper and ask some questions:

Where am I, what am I doing?

Where am I going?

What direction do I take?

Where do I see myself?

These questions have me considering my path forward and seeing the need to start making more concrete plans. This is something that has been on my mind for a while now. One of the things I've been procrastinating on is my primary personal goal of learning Qigong and eventually teaching a seminar in the future. I had been working on this and then stopped.

As I explore my current state of procrastination, and lack of motivation, I see a common thread of fear and uncertainty. A fear of change, of starting over as I step into something relatively new and letting go, and what that transition will look like.

Through this all I know much of what is going on in my head is perspective and a bit of ego. With that awareness I also know control and adaptability starts with me and is easily within my reach. I just need to get out of my own way, slow down, listen and allow my practice to evolve with me. And take a leap of faith.

Back on Track

This past week has felt pretty good. I’ve gotten back on track and am re-establishing a consistent routine. There has been some necessary changes as I navigate my current status and find ways to make adjustments, but overall it feels good to be moving forward again.

I was a bit concerned about losing some ground with my full push-ups, but I’ve been able to maintain reps of 10 so that is good. And I will continue to add on as my body allows. The biggest positive is, I also learned the last few moves of Mlong Kuen this week, completing the sequence. Now it’s time for some fine-tuning. 

Learning, any new hand or weapon form has always been a challenge for me and has even created road blocks at times. Even though it still takes me longer to learn a form, I’m more in the moment, my awareness is increasing and I’m embracing the learning process.

I love everything Mlong Kuen is teaching me. This is a form that challenges my vocabulary of motion and is expanding my tool box. It incorporates a number of techniques using both the left and right side, really helping to feel the difference from one side to the other and learn from both. And there are times when I feel my body mechanics needing to adapt and move differently. Pushing myself beyond the muscle memory learned over the years is exciting because it increases my adaptability and opens up a world of possibilities. Mlong Kuen has helped me realize there is so much more my body can do even when it doesn’t at first feel natural, giving me more options.

A Minor Glitch

Oops, somehow I failed to realize the challenges of jet lag after returning home from my trip to China. A 14 hour time difference and all that time on a plane causes havoc with a person‘s system and internal clock. Approximately one day for every hour of time zone change is required for the body to readjust. 

I had pre planned and adjusted my training while in China, and had solid measurable results, but somehow completely missed what returning home might look like. In the past when I’ve travelled jet lag didn’t really affect me all that much. Maybe that is why I didn’t factor it into the equation. 

Getting back on track with a sleep routine has been ok, but what I’m finding surprising is how drained I feel throughout the day. And as I slowly began to feel a bit more like myself, something occurred with my left leg. It could be a combination of fatigue, Tuesdays kicks, and knees that have just been overdone with all the walking and stairs in the past few weeks. Any motivation I was able to muster up disappeared after adding in the unexpected pain/discomfort and reduced leg stability to the jet lag.

What I do have is great feedback/experience to draw on for my next trip. I will now factor in jet lag for future trips. Sometimes life has other plans, so it’s a great reminder to take care of myself and listen to my body. 

This is also another opportunity to practice an aspect of mastery that often gets overlooked - internal cultivation and embracing the moment. (I seem to be getting these reminders more and more.) This aspect of mastery tends to be less outwardly active or results driven, and harder to measure. It is also where a lot of clarity and personal growth can occur which is just as important, maybe even more so because it helps facilitate better responses to situations and guide us on our physical paths.

 I feel this relates very closely to the direction my physical forms training is taking me this year. Finding a way to apply more internal calmness and centeredness may help me to develop more flow and ease of movement within intentional action. 

Gratitude - Anchoring Moments

Practising gratitude has been part of my daily life for a few years now. I typically start my morning being grateful for the day ahead. And then I do a review of the things I’m grateful for before I go to bed in the evening. There are times when it can become a bit robotic and this is when I know I need to change things up a bit and refocus on why I practise gratitude.

There are times I’ll take a specific gratitude and expand on all the reason why I’m grateful for it. Other times I'll focus on being grateful for a challenging situation, the lesson presented and the potential opportunity to learn and grow. Practising gratitude when things don't go as planned or life's little challenges helps with perspective and gives me back some control of the situation. 

Recently, I’ve been working on applying awareness and and gratitude throughout the day. It is these moments of gratitude in real time that I find most powerful. I see them as anchoring moments that often fill my being with wonder, connection and reinforce a life well-lived. 

On my recent trip to China I experienced many moments of gratitude. Walking through the square amongst hundreds of Kung Fu students as they were training and then standing in the performance hall at the Shaolin Wushu Center was one of those profound anchoring moments. Many days later as we were heading back to our hotel at night, I was struck by the beauty of the colorful lights on the bridge we passed by, and I thought how beautiful China is. This led to some reflection and I was filled with gratitude for all I'd experienced. Something that came to mind in that moment was how much Kung Fu has shaped my life and empowered me to experience and travel the world. I've thought this many times in the past and still it is great to have that reinforcement and not take it for granted. 

Numbers Update

 Here are my numbers to the end of May

Pushups - 3740 modified + 585 full

*Up to 10 full pushups per set and working to increase full pushups every week or two.

Situps - 4325

Km's - 274

*Only tracking intentional Km's

AOK's - 284

Weapon - 234 reps + 385 min on individual techniques and learning form

H Form - 246 reps + 415 min on individual techniques and learning form

Blogs - 16

Sparring - 22

Kung Fu While Traveling

As I travel through China, the physical aspect of my kung fu looks quite a bit different. Time and space to do form reps has been almost nonexistent and yet there’s still a lot of Kung Fu happening. The great thing about Kung Fu is it so easily transferrable and applicable to every aspect of life. 

There has been many opportunities for mindful acts of kindness, practising awareness, a balance of eating healthy, and just eating for enjoyment as I try new foods and local sweets. I’m not adventurous when it comes to food, but I find myself trying something different most days.

Rather than stressing about what I can’t get done, my focus is on enjoying each moment, making new friends and stepping out of my comfort zone to experience and connect with the world around me. 

Push ups have been my anchor and doing a minimum of 1 set of 10 full pushups and at least 20 modified each day is helping me continue a degree of consistency. One would think this should be quite easy but with jet lag, 14 hour time difference and some very busy days, even this feels like a struggle at times. 

I have much gratitude and feel blessed to be traveling and experiencing this wonderful country of China!

Injury Without Ego

Being a student of Kung Fu there always seems to be someone dealing with an injury or chronic issue, myself included. Quite often these injuries or issues come with a degree of frustration when it comes to limitations, the ups and downs of recovery or a timeline that doesn’t fit our expectations. 

As martial artists we learn to adapt, expand our ability to listen to our bodies and even embrace the benefits of training differently, knowing there is much to be gained from the challenges we are faced with. Part of these challenges include learning to appreciate and take better care of our bodies. As students pursing a path towards mastery it becomes ingrained in us to push our limits. Because of this it can be challenging to not push too hard or to soon while navigating an injury, especially as we experience moments of impatience.

Hearing others talk about their injuries and areas of struggle is helping me to take a step back and consider my own chronic knee issues in a slightly different light. I think it comes down to being able to take ego out of the equation. When I remove ego it allows more space for joy, better equipping me to work with the injury instead of against it. 

 Joy brings a harmonious ease and spaciousness to life, it is a balanced expression with calm and tranquil energy. Joy creates openness and clarity helping to navigate a way forward. Going beyond our limits then becomes a natural way of being rather than a need to force or push our limits. Ego is removed.

So the challenge as I see it is to let go of ego and embrace joy in order to fully absorb and appreciate the path these lessons are tying to steer us towards. That is what will take us beyond our self imposed limits. Adaptation and anything else that matters will come naturally and the way forward will become clear.

China, here I come!

I have a trip to China coming up very quickly and will be gone from May 19 to June 4, back just in time for the Farmers Day parade. In addition to adapting to a very different training schedule I will need to think about and prepare for a demo after the parade. 

While away I know training will require adjustments to be made on a daily basis as I adapt to the time difference, lack of space and each days itinerary. I may not be able to do whole form reps, but I’m sure there will be opportunities to work on specific techniques or maybe at times sections of my forms. There may be days where all I can muster is some meditation at the end of the day. And that will be ok as long as I am being mindful and taking advantage of opportunities. In addition to experiencing and absorbing all that China has to offer my goal is to focus on aspects of Kung Fu on a daily basis to retain consistency. And if I can manage that, it will be easier to step back into a training routine when I arrive back home because the consistency will still be in place.

Access to Facebook and email may present some challenges. Hopefully my eSIM and VPN will help to provide access to these platforms so I can continue to share blogs and submit my numbers come June 1. And I’m hoping to be able to connect on FaceTime for our Saturday morning Classes. 

The time difference is 14 hours so 8 AM on Saturday morning will be 10 PM in China. ☝

Because I won’t be here for the Tiger Challenge, I will be posting a video of my hand form and my weapon form. I know it’s not the same as taking part in the tournament, but still applying effort. I'm not very comfortable with watching videos of myself and then to put it out there for all to see feels like a step into the great unknown. A good way to expand my bubble.

Setting the Bar Higher

The female population have a naturally harder time with push-ups. Adding in the aging body to the equation has increased the difficulty in regaining my ability to do multiple full push-ups. The year started off with being able to do 2-3 full push-ups and I've progressed carefully and slowly at this time to 6 full push-ups. Yes, it’s taking me a bit longer than I would’ve expected, but I’ve been happy with the results because there is progression and I’m not injuring myself in the process. 

It turns out that what first started as progressing wisely has now begun to limit me. I didn’t realize this was happening until having a conversation with Sifu Hayes about push-ups. He mentioned having a bigger or even unrealistic number in his head when doing his pushups. It’s like a little lightbulb went off in my brain. My focus had been to add one full push-up with good technique every week or two as I built up muscle strength. Progression yes, quality yes, and yet very slow. There was also mention of doing them faster or slower at different parts of the push-up, a way to trick the brain and body to be able to do more. 

I’ve since experimented with having a bigger number in my head as I set out to do my push-ups and wow, it works. Instead of just going from 6 to 7 push-ups I’ve been able to do eight and even 10 push-ups. It's interesting because when I thought about increasing by just 1 pushup, it felt like a struggle and suddenly I'm doing an extra 2-4 pushups. 

Mentally raising the bar while in the moment has helped me to move beyond the limits I had set for myself. The possibility for potential and progression expanded while still allowing me to listen to my body and train wisely. What I love about this as well is how I’m able to connect this experience to the lessons 'Mastery' by Stewart Emery endeavours to teach us. I see the relevance to my life and the untapped potential that we all hold when we we remove arbitrary limits.

A Change in Seasons

During the long cold winter months, I mostly want to snuggle in and hibernate. It’s a time of year that embraces my introvert self. I also find training and routine are much easier to maintain. Even with the hibernation aspect of the season, I manage to get quite a bit done. There’s less daylight hours, but the days feel longer and more productive at times.

And then there is spring and Summer. This is a time for outdoors, gardening, long walks, camping and patio time with friends or family. It’s a time of year that says hello to the extrovert part of myself. A time of year, where I find it more challenging to engage in training and routine is a struggle to maintain. It’s an also a time of year where I feel a deeper connection to everything around me.

With the change in seasons bringing warmer weather, lovely sunshine and longer days, I’m feeling conflicted. There’s been a bit of a mini internal battle going on as I consider how to fit in my Kung Fu training over the next few months. There are days where mediocrity and mastery are in an active battle with each other. While this may be annoying it's not necessarily a bad thing. The two complement each other. Mediocrity humbles mastery and mastery challenges mediocrity.

I'm not stressed about how I'm going to fit the training in, because I know there is always flexibility and adjustments that can be made. My struggle is more of an internal battle of ego. I've been able to maintain my daily training routine to this point, so I continue to keep that in front of me. With that in mind I open myself to view the change in seasons as an opportunity to embrace this new flow, remind myself I get to, and find ways to adjust. Control is within my power and that control starts with my perspective. It also requires awareness of ego and how I manage where it tries to lead me.

I have control over my perspective, I am choosing my own path and I embrace the parameters provided to help guide me along the way. 

I Get To...

My emotions lately have a tendency to bounce around like a yo-yo. I’m in this weird place where it feels as if my personal/emotional growth is sliding backwards. The positive to this is I have noticed I rebound a lot quicker due to all the work I’ve done in the past. I don’t like feeling less than or vulnerable so conversations with others, team meetings, and one on ones are helping me regain some perspective and continue forward momentum. 

It was about midweek where I could feel myself starting to feel bogged down a bit with my training. For some reason, my mind began to create struggle that hadn’t even occurred yet. Instead of being in the moment and being grateful for everything that I have and get to do, I started to think about how I was going to be able to keep up with my training routine. (A routine that’s actually been working quite well.) Thankfully I quickly stopped and reminded myself I have a sustainable routine and the flexibility to make adjustments as needed, so there is no need to create problems that don't exist. 

The one on ones this week, conversations had and our team meeting have all been very helpful. Some information is new and much of it is already known. After today’s team meeting, I am reminded once again the importance of embracing the journey. And the key for all of us as Todai Ferris pointed out is … we get to. 

When I tell myself I get to, it helps me to reset and refocus. It brings me into the moment, provides positivity and even motivation. And gratitude also happens as a result. Having an appreciation for all that I am and everything I get to do, puts me in a more positive mental space to embrace the journey I'm on and allows joy to flow in. If I can't embrace the journey or at least trust the process, why do any of it? 

When I think of mastery, it's more than just effort and accomplishments. I see it as also having an open heart and mind, an ever changing perspective, developing awareness and mindfulness and the ability to find joy in the simple things.

Thank you for the connections, the conversations, and thank you for the reminders at a time when they are needed.

Ugh - ish

Today’s forms training was a struggle with next to no satisfaction of time or effort spent. I wasn’t in a great frame of mind to start with, and my knees and back were both causing some discomfort. The whole thing just felt a bit like a chore and even trying to switch things up a bit didn’t seem to change much. So yes, I got my numbers in, but definitely not quality. 

I did, however, finish on a positive note. My goal today was to start doing sets of six push-ups, and I was able to do two sets of six. Plus, I added in some knee exercises to finish off the day which also felt good.

My Achilles Heel

My achilles heel/fear to share and work on this year is this:

I have a fear of not doing things correctly.

This feeling has been with me for as long as I can remember. It often holds me back and other time drives me forward.

Doing things correctly as a child, a teen, and even an adult has helped me to blend in, offered a form of protection and manages my anxiety. Propriety and perfection is ingrained in my psyche resulting at times in a deeply rooted mental block. And sometimes to avoid all of this, I simply procrastinate. 

When doing forms or applications I’m trying to balance proper technique, sequence, transitions and flow, intent, and power with control, to letting go and just doing it. And I know amazing things can, and will happen when I get to that state of letting go. I know this because there have been times when I’m in the moment, not thinking, just doing and I can feel the natural ease and fluidity of movement.

The feedback from Saturday’s beta forms has been extremely valuable and ties in perfectly with what holds me back and a theme I keep hearing of letting go. After talking with Sihing Shira Csillag, I have another piece of the puzzle to help me smooth out the edges, develop better phrasing and reduce the precision aspect of my forms. Not quite letting go yet, but tools to help get me there.

There are times where I get frustrated and feel stuck. The phrase "This too shall pass" has been on my mind lately. It's interesting how I don't think of it nearly as often when things are going well. (Something to add in a positive way going forward.) Patience, perspective and effort is required. Experience has taught me to trust the process, communicate, ask questions and remain open to knowledge and information that comes my way. 

This is going to be a very interesting journey this year with tons of potential. 

Numbers Update

Here are my numbers to the end of March:

Pushups - 1270 modified + 60 full

*working to increase full pushups every week or two

Situps - 1330

Km's - 81

*Only tracking intentional Km's

AOK's - 71

Weapon - 103 reps + 185 min on individual techniques and learning form

H Form - 112 reps + 185 min on individual techniques and learning form

Blogs - 6

Mastery - had previously memorized and now working to reconnect myself with it again

Qigong - 4 hours video lessons and practice

Chinese Straight Sword

My weapon and form this year is the Tai Chi straight sword, Yang style 32 form. This will be the second year, dedicated to learning this form and my goal is to learn all 32 moves this time around.

I’m finding that I’m enjoying the process more this year. As I watch and progress through the video, I’m seeing things that I didn’t notice before. My eye for detail has increased and I’m less frustrated when I encounter challenging new moves. Part of my training has included more time spent understanding the weapon, intent within techniques and getting a good feel for basics through repetition. The goal is to have the weapon be an extension of my arm supported by the skeletal structure.

Dedicating 10 minutes per day (this is flexible as more time is needed when learning new sections) has been really helpful with building consistency and progression. I currently get 2-3 form reps each day of what I know. I am also able to spend some of those 10 minutes learning a new move or refining sections. Applying the 10 minute rule to both forms for the year has made a huge difference in how I practice and train. 

A Life Well Lived

A Celebration of Life for my dad was held yesterday, Saturday, April 4th. The week leading up to this has mostly been spent in final preparations and writing a eulogy to honour his life and memory. I found putting together the eulogy helped memories to surface, gaining an even greater appreciation of what a truly wonderful and amazing man he was. My dad was a steady guiding light in many people’s lives. He was unassuming, intelligent, led by example and was always finding opportunities to expand and grow. 

As a young boy dad was a dreamer, often laying on the grass at night, looking up at the stars and dreaming about possibilities. But he did more than just dream - he carried those dreams in his heart, and he used them as fuel to build a beautiful life. 

Dad was always learning, whether it was changing a transmission in his vehicle with help from a neighbour, building our house on the acreage from the ground up (friends and family coming together) or exploring his creativity through drawing and painting. His painting adventures first began with watercolours which also led into photography, before expanding into pastels, oils and acrylics. At some point he also became interested in genealogy, spending many hours researching and collaborating with his sister. Our family tree has been traced back to the year 629, with documentation and supporting records going back to the 1200s. He also liked to dabble in writing short stories from time to time.

He also had an entrepreneurial spirit. Dad owned and operated a rental business with a focus on outdoors equipment while in his 30"s.Then another business later in life operated by him and my mom for 12 years before retiring. He never let his lack of education hold him back. 

Dad was a solid presence with a kind, gentle heart and unwavering support. Quiet by nature, he didn’t speak just to fill the room, but when he did, it was often with a well time joke or a story worth hearing. Beneath his steady exterior was a warm, patient soul who found joy in making others smile. 

When I look back over the years and think about all of dad's accomplishments and the connections he had with family and friends, I’m amazed how seemingly effortless he made it all appear. And as we were finishing up his Celebration of Life on Saturday, it became apparent that dad had spent much of his life in the pursuit of mastery and going beyond his arbitrary limits.

Mastery is the result of consistently going beyond our limits!

Forms & Knee Troubles

My Kung Fu journey started before I signed up as a student. It started sitting on the bench watching some of the instructors, usually brown belts doing their hand forms. It was the forms that really got me thinking and interested in joining Kung Fu. 

As a student it probably wasn’t until about green belt that my love for forms really started to grow and continued to grow. Even with the many challenges over the years there has always been a whole lot of everything that keeps me engaged, improving and connecting so many dots. 

My path forward with regards to forms is becoming murky now. I say this because on one hand, I’m experiencing all these wonderful aha moments and progressions within my forms and Kung Fu. On the other hand, due to issues with both knees, it feels as if I’m regressing. My stances are getting sloppy which is affecting transitions, timing, flow, speed and power. 

Strength, stability and almost constant aches and pains seem to be a regular occurrence these days. Lately I’ve been noticing my left knee has become painful with a single step. It can be fine at times and then suddenly it’s not. When this happens, I immediately focus on how I’m stepping. And I find if I concentrate on really connecting with the heel first and rolling my foot forward, the pain and discomfort is reduced. It can feel as if I'm moving at the pace of a snail. This is something I will need to explore further.

Ongoing knee issues have taught me how to make adjustments, like a pre-pivot or staying more upright as opposed to a squat. They’ve also taught me to push myself, find a way forward and not give up. What’s becoming more apparent though is my stances are suffering. My body compensates to protect the knees with shorter and higher stances, (less bending & weight on the knees). And a proper left lead cat stance is challenging due to stability of the right knee. I can still execute these stances properly and carefully when I slow way down and focus on what needs to be done, but that’s much harder to do within a form.

Although the knee issues are problematic, they require me to be more mindful and my awareness has grown as a result. Now when I stop to correct or sink into a stance, I can feel the difference it makes. I'm connecting the hows and whys, which is very cool. I know from experience, correct stances and alignment helps with my six harmonies, facilitating improved technique, flow, speed, and power. 

Along with the frustration of having issues with both both knees, there have been lots of positives. There are times when I have to remind myself how much the growth I’ve experienced in my Kung Fu and life in general has been due to my knees. I am more connected to my body than I have ever been in the past. I've also realized how lax I've become with doing knee exercises to strengthen and support the knees, so knee exercises have now become part of my daily routine.

Progression Over Perfection

Searching for perfect conditions, the perfect time to train or the perfect tracking method can often lead to mediocrity and stagnation. Instead of looking for the perfect anything, I’m focusing on consistent effort, being mindful and making adjustments as needed. 

As far as tracking goes, this is an ongoing process. I have a blank calendar page that I like to utilize for my push-ups, sit ups, form reps and blogging. I recently started making use of my phone notes to record acts of kindness, with specific details as opposed to just a tally. Tracking kilometres this year will be more intentional. The overall number may be lower than previous years, as it will only measure what I’m doing over and above a normal day at home or work.

Implementing a consistent daily 10 minute routine for both of my forms provides cumulative progression and helps to keep me on track. Each of those 10 minutes is broken down into five minute intervals. Often I'll start with 1or 2 full reps to identify any problem areas needing attention. My goal currently is 3 reps of each form per day. Even with this relatively simple formula, I still struggle some days getting it done. For days when my head is just not in the game I find it helps to start with a specific section I want to work on. This simple start pulls me into the moment and usually provides motivation and the desire to want more.

Committing to 10 minutes of forms per day is helping me to build a routine that is sustainable without having to play catch up due to lost time or opportunity. I know there is room for improvement and adjustments to be made as I begin to add in more. The more I'm talking about is increasing my numbers for push ups (full & modified), sit ups, personal goals and adding in sparring. I'm also looking for opportunities to find time for training at the Kwoon outside of class time. Sustainability and progressing smartly are important to my journey this year.

Being Real

If I truly want to leave meaningful breadcrumbs of substance it’s time for a bit of reality. A blog that really describes where I am, what I’m doing and how I’m feeling. It’s not that I haven’t been accurate in previous blogs, it’s that I haven’t been completely open in sharing with myself or the team.

Going into the start of this year, I feel I had some blinders on of my own making. There is a part of me that wanted to take the everything that worked so well last year and roll it into this year. My thought process was to customize the program to work better for me. I'd simply take a bit of this, a bit of that and voila, perfection! And I know that sounds very ego based, but I also know from first hand experience, how well I do when I'm able to step back, creating more space for myself. It's a bit like decluttering to produce open spaces and blank canvases, facilitating more freedom of movement and thought. 

I’m finding it difficult to let go of something that worked so well for me last year. It’s not that I don’t value everything the program brings to the table. Everything I achieved last year was because of the strong foundation I had built over the years with the tools/requirements provided.

Our very first in person class was quite overwhelming towards the end. It wasn’t the push-ups and sit ups that I knew I needed to work on, it was everything Sfu Rybak talked about as she really laid out what we had signed up for. I could feel my anxiety increasing and the walls closing in. To some degree it felt as if I was loosing some of what I'd gained from the previous year.

Firstly, being unaware of the name change, I thought I had signed up for the IHC when in reality I was signing up for Kao Shi intensive. The word intensive on its own is intimidating and a bit scary. It’s interesting though how the universe brings you exactly what you need even if it’s not necessarily what you want. 

So of course, I had a one on one with Sifu Rybak to discuss everything that was going on in my head. There was a part of me that hoped I could convince her to let me make a few adjustments to the program. There’s that ego again. Of course that didn’t fly, but she was able to talk me down off the ledge I felt I was on.

Recording and tracking everything is a sticking point for me. I’ve never had a problem meeting or exceeding the kilometres or act of kindness numbers. If I could alleviate tracking these two requirements, it would free up some space, not feel so overwhelming and I could still push myself. As Sifu Rybak mentioned these requirements and tracking are about being more intentional and building awareness especially if I already find them easy. Hmm, hard to argue with that.

The rest of the week was spent processing everything and trying to come to terms with what I’d signed up for. And then we had our first virtual class. Not what I would call an enjoyable class, rather a very strong reality check that felt directed to me. By the end of the class I still wasn’t completely sold. I do see value in all the requirements and I can see some value in tracking as a measurement of our progress. I also have personal experience to use as a gauge, which is causing a bit of conflict.

So as I continued to process, I considered my options and I considered why I had signed up in the first place. To add to my life, step out of my comfort zone and to push myself. OK, so I’m definitely getting what I signed up for, no surprise there. With all of this my anxiety level has increased again, but I know with a bit of time I’ll settle in more and be able to manage it better.

I was still at odds though, so I had to ask myself the question do I trust the process? Do I trust my instructors? What it comes down to is can I really say following this program in its entirety does not work for me until I fully embrace and engage in it to the best of my ability? The reason I ask myself this question is because I don't know how much of what I've done in the past is simply based on following guidelines and cherry picking to some degree along the way, versus embracing wholeheartedly and engaging 100% to the best of my ability. 

With all that being said, I’m here to stay, and in the meantime, as I’m working through all of this, I’m putting in consistent effort and slowly figuring out how to keep track and best record my progress for all requirements. 

Unfinished Business

As I look back at previous years and think about team requirements and personal goals, I realize I saw them more as separate entities while still connected to some degree. And yet I don’t think I really thought about them as a whole, and what that could develop into if I embraced them all.

When I think about an all encompassing big picture, what comes to mind is similar to a color by numbers activity. Parts of my picture have been coloured, have added details and are well defined and then there are other areas left unattended, blank or a bit blurry. 

Over the years the areas I’ve filled in and added definition to have created connections helping with the overall picture and I like what I see so far. I just haven't ventured far enough and have some gaps to fill in before I am confident in hanging the finished piece on the wall. 

Pushing myself and stepping out of my comfort zone is a good start. The goal in all this though is to achieve more balanced growth. I see this year as an opportunity to round out my growth, bringing some of those blurred edges into focus and filling in the gaps. I know there is more for me to accomplish.

Good Start & Mix of Emotions

This week has been about introducing a bit more structure and routine into my life, in a way that pushes me to some degree but also makes sense. My initial focus throughout the week has been my hand and weapon forms with minimal daily pushups and sit ups added in. Training during the early part of the day currently seems to work best for me. With that being said, there were a couple of days where adjustments were required and training got done later in the day. I may not have been on track with many of the team requirements, but it was a good start for me.

I'm finding it difficult to jump in fully and commit to the Kao Shi program. It actually feels very overwhelming to view the whole and try to implement everything. This is most likely due in part to spending the past year, figuring things out on my own as I continued to pursue mastery. I was able to rely on the foundation built over many years on the IHC. And even when stuff didn’t go according to plan, or I fell off track, what I was doing worked. I had time and space to figure things out and I thrived.

I experienced often throughout the year how it feels to live in a state of calm and peacefulness. Maybe there is also an age related component that requires me to slow down and reminds me to be more mindful and true to myself. There is certainly a degree of wisdom that all plays a part of where I am at right now.

So the question some and even myself may be asking is why then did I join the team? I joined because I intuitively know it is the next step in my journey. I know a team environment is invaluable when it comes to support and personal growth and I am able to imagine the possibilities for me in the year ahead. 

Aside from the team requirements and my intended personal goals, there is an also a bigger picture I hope and plan to achieve. I know there will be continued personal growth, and opportunities to stretch my bubble. More importantly, though I’m looking to discover and develop my inherent gifts and passions that will help me to define myself as a martial artist. 

Quality Over Quantity

Last year taught me many things: 

• It reiterated the value of regular blogging and how well it serves me. Knowing this is what kept me blogging and engaged even during times when I really wanted to skip a week. 
• I was also reminded over and over, the power of a single mindful moment. Peace, joy and bliss became more the norm.
• There were lessons in perspective, which helped me to look at things differently and subsequently understand control starts with me. I can’t always control situations around me or others, but I can control how I react or respond and that gives me back my power. 
• I discovered the best version of myself is about embracing who I am, here in this current moment in time. It’s not about being better or more. It’s about living life and embracing the moment. It’s learning from mistakes and moving forward or sitting still if that is all I'm able to do at the time. 
• And I learned through experience that developing compassion and understanding towards myself, helps me to further build compassion and empathy towards others, which also helps me to be less judgmental overall. 

When I think about everything I discovered and learned over the course of last year, what comes to mind is quality. This came about because as I was continuing to adapt to life, there was little time mentally or physically to spend on quantity. What's interesting is, even though I trained much less than planned, the training I did was intentional. Awareness increased and with that came important discoveries, which has been pivotal in my journey as a martial artist. 

Much of what I accomplished last year may not be considered by some to be Kung Fu related and yet the ripple effect has had a profound effect on my overall training and personal growth. For me it is that internal and spiritual component and growth that is at the heart of Kung Fu.

I know along with keeping quality in mind there is room for me to push myself and add in a bit more structure in order to continue with the lessons from last year. My goal moving forward this year is to apply the 10 minute rule to my training. 10 minutes per day for my weapon form and 10 minutes for my hand form. This could include running through the entire form, or focusing on a technique or a section. For both forms, it will also include learning and adding on new techniques. 

Quality over quantity is my focus. This will require discipline and intentional effort, building on both mindfulness and awareness. And I know there may be a few beginning stages where quantity is required to to get to a place where quality can then become the focus. 

Another Sign Post - Hips This Way...

The path I currently find myself on is directing my focus towards the hips. Hip Awareness, engagement timing and positioning are all getting some mindful attention as a result.

This journey all started with a basic slide step forward and punch. As soon as I add in a punch my timing is off. I'm launching the punch early which also affects trajectory and vectors. Because I’m already committed to the punch while in motion, my hip is moving forward as well, arriving to it's final destination slightly before it's needed. 

Because of this new focus, I've identified multiple areas in my forms where the hips could benefit from some awareness and adjustments.

Some observations are: I’m not engaging the hip at the right time (committing too soon), and there are times when I’m not releasing the hip as I transition. Intent is key as well as staying in the moment. This requires awareness and control. With improper hip function I'm most likely expending more energy than what is actually necessary. This may also cause a decrease in efficiency and speed.

I’m thinking the primary intent in any transition throughout a sequence needs to be a natural return to centre allowing for the hips to return to a more neutral position. And once I'm in a more neutral position both physically and mentally, I have more options open to me.

One Step at a Time

Black belt class, Tai Chi and Wednesday morning training sessions are challenging at times, fulfilling and help to keep me moving forward. When I’m on the mats, life happening outside of the kwoon is paused, and I can focus on Kung Fu and me. 

This past week’s Black belt class, Tai Chi and Wednesday morning training all provided great takeaways. It’s amazing how much one can learn from a single class or conversation. 

Quality time with friends or family and time on the mats is helping me to briefly escape from the melancholy and grief I’m feeling. So even though I’m finding it hard to hold on to the joyful and positive moments, I recognize they’re happening and am grateful.

Mental and physical health are of upmost importance right now so I will continue to take part in activities that I know help to support and ground me.

Back on the Team

As the year of the horse draws near, I can’t help thinking what my year is going to look like. There’s a part of me that is excited for everything the year will bring. There’s also a part of me that feels stuck and struggling mentally when I think about getting back in the groove. I’m worried about all the time and effort needed, the structure, and figuring out how to do justice to the opportunity I’ve signed up for.

This is not a year, where I see myself running out of the gate and racing ahead. My head is spinning, but there is some planning taking place so that is a positive. With 2 weeks to go a lot can change and I may be surprised how well things align and fall into place. 

Momentum will build as I find my rhythm.

Building Compassion in Times of Challenge

Focusing on the positive and appreciating all of the good choices I’ve made during these times of difficulty and challenge is a good start. I also need to be honest with myself and aware of areas I could’ve made better choices or pushed myself more. I can struggle at times finding the right balance between self care and mediocrity. 

I realized this week, less than ideal choices, and the lack of motivation or discipline are actually helping me to foster and further expand my capacity for empathy and compassion. This is because I have compassion for myself and I make myself a priority, allowing for patience and grace. And sometimes I can take that a bit too far and not always make the best or most productive choices, but all in all it’s a learning experience. Through all of this I am building awareness and learning as I go.

As compassion for myself grows, compassion for others grows as well, which I realized also helps me to be a less judgemental and a more empathetic and understanding human being. 

I love the insight and clarity that the process of blogging provides!

Life Goes On

Dad passed away early Sunday morning. It was a bit unexpected and yet not a complete surprise. After 3 weeks of slow decline with a few hopeful improvements here and there, he passed quietly in his sleep. Thankfully I made the choice to stop in Saturday night after the Blackbelt ceremony to see him for a quick visit, not knowing it would be the last time. I believe dad waited to let go, not wanting my brothers and I to have his passing as our last memory of him.

I wasn't sure I would blog this week. Reasons or excuses often factor into the choices we make. Some are even very valid given the situation. I guess what I try to do is ask myself what sacrifices make sense and hope I get it right.  I know not blogging won't serve me, so even when life is challenging I try to push myself and write some sort of blog. In other areas I often shut down, but the blogging remains a priority.

I can grieve, take care of dad's arrangements, and give myself space as needed. The grief at this point seems to come in gentle waves so I do what I can in between. And right now that means get a blog done. Death is inevitable and life goes on. 

I Get To...!

This past week has been all about having a one day at a time or one positive choice at time approach. Success is measured in each healthy meal I eat, every glass of water I drink. a mindful moment, practicing gratitude, a walk with the dog, a tai chi class attended in person and the occasional counter push up. Every positive aspect of my life helps me to manage the emotional stress I find myself currently navigating. 

Dad has now been in hospital for 2 weeks. A fall at home brought him to the hospital, thankfully with no serious injuries, but it was discovered he had moderate hypothermia. His dementia always adds another layer of challenges when it comes to testing and treatments anytime he is in hospital. He can become agitated and more confused. At the beginning of week 2 it was ascertained he most likely had a seizure even though he takes medication for them. They are difficult to discern because outward signs of his seizures are almost non existent and after effects mimic dementia symptoms. After increasing his medication dad has fallen into an almost coma like state. Difficult to know if this is the result of a prolonged seizure, the higher dose of medication or a combination of both.

In addition to being at the hospital daily to support my dad, I'm also having to try to educate myself so I can help make decisions that I don't feel qualified to make. Making decisions that greatly impact another persons life or quality of life weighs on me. 

So I continue to practice gratitude and remind myself over and over again - "I get to..." I get to be here for my dad, I get to be here for myself, I get to experience life! And I trust I'll know when the time is right to let him go and pass peacefully.

Finding Balance

As I tried to capture and define my week I kept getting caught up in feeling stuck and my lack of motivation. This blog could have focused on those unproductive feelings. It could also be about the extra stress I’ve been feeling with my dad in the hospital again and concerned about what the future holds for him. Instead, nature gifted me with her beauty and my focus was redirected to one of awe, appreciation and gratitude.

While walking through the woods this weekend with Willow, I took a moment to look around me, to see and appreciate the beauty and silhouette of the trees with their branches covered in snow. It was that moment of awareness and recognition of the beauty of nature that helped me to feel connected and grounded. It is moments like these that help to remind me what’s truly important and appreciate all that I have and all that I am. These moments also help to fill me up so I can navigate stress and continue to provide support to my dad.

I want to be able to carry forward those feelings of joy and appreciation into everything I do. Whether it’s sitting and enjoying a cup of tea or practising my forms, I can embrace the moment. Taking action and going out of my comfort zone shouldn't mean I will lose those feelings of awe and appreciation. So what is it going to take to bring that balance into all aspects of my life? I believe it will take mindfulness, intent, and ongoing adjustments to my perspective. 

Transitioning into the Year of the Horse will require more intentional effort and action balanced with everything I learned from the Year of the Snake.