Just Keep Swimming

This post was inspired by Ms. Ferris and question 2 from this weeks Table Talk.

Question: If there was a movie about your life right now, what would the title be? The movie that popped into my head after a bit of thought was Finding Nemo. I was asked if I was lost? Lol

No, I am not lost. What I pulled from the movie was the journey that Nemo, Marlin and Dory were on and the determination to keep swimming as they each set out to accomplish their goals. Just keep swimming, swimming swimming! They had amazing adventures, developed friendships and experienced personal growth throughout their journey.

I may not be exactly where I planned or want to be at this specific time. And I may not always feel appreciation during times of struggle, but I recognize the value and I keep swimming. Challenges crop up, obstacles present themselves when least expected and I keep swimming, swimming, swimming.

The choice is mine to swim against the current or with the current. I am reminded to keep my goals in front of me while letting go of expectations. To never give up, reset when needed and enjoy the moments of beauty all around me. I keep swimming, meeting new friends, stepping out of my comfort zone and having new experiences.  

My goals are great motivational tools that keep me moving forward towards mastery and yet I don't want to sacrifice the gifts and lessons along the way so I relax into the flow of the water forging my own way as needed. I am enjoying the journey. There is beauty in my life and appreciation for everyone and all that I have. 

Numbers February 1 - March 31

PU - 10450                  Sparring - 246          Spending Challenge - on track

SU - 10450                   KM - 151                 Book - progressing slowly

Hand Form - 253        AOK - 260

Weapon - 255            Yoga - 6.5 Hrs

I am Quiet

I am quiet. 

This has been a much more thought provoking topic to write about than I first thought it would be. I was thinking that this is reflective of who I am and should also be a relatively quick easy blog. Ha! So wrong. As usual I overthink things and as a result get so much more out of the process.

A quiet exterior that contains a busy mind! A great example of yin and yang at work. It is the silent qualities of a person and a supportive environment that facilitate and produce creativity, awareness and reflection.

I am quiet as I stand or sit in silence. I am an observer, a sponge. I am able to take in the sights, sounds and smells around me. Being quiet helps me to absorb and process information, and develop awareness. I notice things that others may not and at times my senses are heightened.

Normally in an environment with too much sensory stimulation coming from multiple directions, I would remove myself or quiet myself to become more grounded. This is much more difficult to do when I find myself directly engaged in an activity or event. Virtual classes were great for being able to still participate while providing me with the separation I needed at times.

As an introverted and quiet person I get much more out of a class for example, when we focus on segments of a form or go step by step. I thrive in a format where I can focus on the instructor, my movements and the details as they present themselves. Forms done as a group with a diverse variety of individual speeds and phrasing, creates internal noise and too many external visuals that disrupts my flow and the ability to listen to my body. 

I am becoming more aware of this as it is happening and am learning to separate myself so that I can focus on what I am doing and be in the moment. Tuning out the noise and movement around me and still having awareness of my surroundings. I am also beginning to see this now as an opportunity to develop further as a martial artist and a human being. The ability to build more functional control in uncomfortable situations is a plus. Drawing that quiet, calmness and focus into my body, mind and spirit at all times.

 

Living With a Mental Illness

Mental illness refers to all diagnosable mental disorders and is defined as a health condition that changes a persons thinking, emotion or behaviour. This can be a combination of all three and causes a person distress and difficulty in functioning. A mental disorder can be mild to moderate or even severe and can fluctuate due to different circumstances and stressors involved.

Common mental disorders

Depression.
Anxiety disorders
Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD)
Bipolar disorder.
Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)
Schizophrenia.

Mental illness does not discriminate; it can affect anyone regardless of your age, gender, geography, income, social status, race/ethnicity, religion/spirituality, sexual orientation, or background. While mental illness can occur at any age, three-fourths of all mental illness begins by age 24.

Symptoms can range from loss of motivation and energy, change in sleep patterns, extreme mood swings, changes in thoughts or perception, confusion, agitation, withdrawal or overwhelming obsessions or fears. Mental illness interferes with relationships and can affect a person’s ability to function on a day-to-day basis, and even lead to social isolation.

Mental health and mental illness are not the same. Mental health refers to a persons current state of well-being and the ability to manage life's highs and lows. Everyone of us will struggle at some point in our lives with our mental health or well-being. Not everyone will experience mental illness though. Someone with a mental illness could have excellent mental health or poor mental health.

Even with all the information over the recent years and evolving communication there still exists a stigma attached to mental illness. Yes, more and more people are expressing their understanding and supportiveness of friends, family and colleagues living with a mental illness. However, a larger majority of people living with a mental illness are still reluctant to divulge their condition to others and are sometimes not wanting to acknowledge it to themselves. If there really is a larger majority of acceptance then where is the disconnect and why is there still an associated stigma?

I myself have dealt with chronic anxiety for most of my life and have had a few periods of mild to moderate depression over the years. When I first started taking anxiety medication, I kept it secret from my family and only told my very close friends. I was ashamed. I saw it as a flaw, a weakness in myself. Not wanting to admit that I was broken. I saw myself as a mom first, taking care of others. Not someone that needed to be taken care of herself. Living with mental illness needs to be talked about from a personal perspective and shared to reduce and eliminate the stigma.

Taking meds to reduce my anxiety made me realize how much anxiety had been a part of my everyday life. There was a sense of ease and it was wonderful. I took them for about 6 months and then slowly weaned myself off. Even though I felt better, I wanted to figure things out myself. I knew that It was possible to reduce and manage my symptoms through healthy eating, exercise, breathing, meditation and avoiding caffeine. Consistency is the key and something I am still working on and getting better at all the time. 

Joining Kung Fu increased my anxiety and also forced me to acknowledge and understand how greatly it has affected my life. There have been many times when just standing on the mats before class increased my anxiety. My breathing becomes shallow and my legs turn to jelly. Concentration, memory and coordination is all affected. I need to process everything. Anxiety has also created resilience and the ability to push through and because of this I keep stepping into the kwoon and onto the mats. And it does get better. Every year that I am on the IHC team brings me a step closer to successfully managing my illness and living a fuller life to become the best version of myself. 

It wasn't until I was in my late 40's that I even knew I was living with a mental illness. And it has just been recently that I am understanding how this has affected most of my life over the years. As I manage this illness, I am developing tools to reduce the negative impact.

Personal impact of living with chronic anxiety
Difficulty making decisions

Overthinking

Need to process everything
Social anxiety
Watching instead of taking part
Tendency to procrastinate
Loss of feeling connected
Lack of confidence

Introverted
Exhausting

I feel like I am two different people - the person I am mean't to be is suppressed behind a veil of fear and anxiety. I know this to be true because I've experienced moments of confidence and drive at times where anxiety is almost non-existent. I feel like these moments are snapshots of the person I could be. 

Living with a mental illness would most likely be seen as a negative by many and yet I would not be the person I am today without these difficulties and experiences. I am working to make friends with anxiety so that I can learn from it and appreciate all the resulting positive traits that living with a mental illness provides, and establish a better life balance. 

Butterfly Knives/Swords

I am really enjoying learning to use the butterfly knives as my weapon this year. Practising different strikes and blocks to become familiar with the weapon has been helpful for me to get the feel for them as I begin to develop my own form. Creating my own form is challenging and yet also very rewarding at the same time. Currently I am mostly in the challenging phase as I try to piece everything together so that it makes sense. I am looking forward to when it all comes together so that I can start to fine tune everything and also reminding myself to appreciate the value in getting there.

One of the techniques I've been working on the flowering pattern which is proving to be more of a challenge than I anticipated. Numerous crossed eyes and tongue out moments. The technique requires a lot of coordination, perseverance and practice. When faced with a challenge, I don't like to give up and because of that I dug my heels in, went to work and thankfully have made some progress. 

Having a weapon in both hands is providing some valuable feedback. Including the ever challenging flowering technique. I can feel where I am stiff and linear versus circular. And I am developing an increased awareness of how my 4 quadrants work together and when they are not working to the best of their ability. 

I am sensing a theme with regards to circular motions in all my forms and developing better harmony with my knees and elbows. Hmm... interesting thought. Do we choose our weapons or do the weapons choose us based on what we need?

I Am Project

Aha moments are some of the best moments. The feeling and excitement that comes with such a moment can be amazing. My most recent aha moment involved the I Am Project. It was really very simple and somewhat obvious, but still exciting.

I received a very clear message and understanding that this project is an amazing tool to help on our path toward becoming a blackbelt. The 57 words or phrases are a combination of values, affirmations and qualities which resonate for me and align with what a blackbelt is. 

By taking the time to delve into our individual connection with each word or phrase, we expand our personal growth, becoming more in tune with who we are and who we want to be. Our daily living becomes clear and more intentional. 

What I find so great with this writing project is that there are no right or wrong perceptions or answers. How each of us applies our thought processes to each word or statement is going to be unique, based on many individual variables. The project requires some self reflection and each individuals current understanding and perception. The more effort one puts into the project, the greater the potential reward. 

I am in Training

Aren't we all in training? Training in life. I see life as a massive training arena filled to the brim with opportunities and potential. So many doors to choose from with teachers and mentors to guide us along the way. All of which are constantly changing and evolving. Many of these doors involve choices. I can choose to be inquisitive and explore or resist and ignore. 

As someone who is actively in training, my personal development is dependant on many variables. Firstly though, I need to show up. I need to open a door and walk through it and have an open mind. Absorbing and soaking everything in and discarding what doesn't apply in that moment, or storing for future use. Adapting as needed. I am in training to live life to its fullest potential and be the best version of myself. And there are no ordinary moments!

Kung fu is just one of the doors in life's arena. A room filled with tools to utilize, build and expand our lives. From the moment I opened and stepped through that door, I became actively in training. Kung Fu is a martial art and yet it has taken me many years to begin to consider myself a martial artist. It is hard to pinpoint exactly when things shifted for me, but they have. It's not that I wasn't seeing the connections and benefits in my life outside the kwoon ever. I just wasn't seeing them on a consistent basis and was still missing areas for development and improvement. This is where the IHC team plays an important role. Being a member of the team at this stage of my training has been the motivator and fuel needed to open up different pathways and propel myself forward. I am developing a deeper understanding of what it means to be a martial artist and can see myself in that role. The more I do, the more knowledge and experience I gain which leads to further training and knowledge. I am a martial artist, and I will happily be forever in training!

The Flip Flop Technique

 

The one requirement that hasn't received the attention and commitment it deserves in previous years is sparring. I usually start off practising sparring drills and doing some shadow boxing, but never with any consistency, and then at some point drop off completely. Eventually relying solely on in class sparring time.

When it comes to a fight or flight response, I'm more of a flight person. In school I hated baseball! Throw a ball in my direction and I am more likely to duck and cover. Oh, and as an added bonus I will also close my eyes. Essentially if something is flying towards my face, I just want to turtle or disappear. At least the hands go up. 

Sparring requires me to constantly battle a deep-rooted internal spirit that wants to avoid confrontation when ever possible. Getting hit or being injured isn't something that I actively worry about though. However I do bruise very easily and am overly sensitive to pain. 

This year I am taking sparring seriously and challenging myself to overcome my fears. In addition to working on sparring drills at home, I have also employed what I call the  'flip flop technique'. I have a nice coral coloured rubber flip flop that I use to strike my arms, legs and torso. It's a bit flexible and yet still provides a nice wallop. I'm hoping this will help me with getting use to strikes and to desensitize. Eventually I plan to build up to a stick of some sort. 

Each and every requirement contains underlying value. And I know that sparring is no different. Sparring helps to increase reaction time, develop self control, teaches us to read our opponent, and most of all builds confidence. So sparring time has been worked into my daily routine and my trusty flip flop is a willing participant. It's only the beginning of March and there is already more consistency in the sparring department than previous years.

Numbers February 1 -28

PU - 5150                   Sparring - 159min           Spending Challenge - on track

SU - 5150                    KM - 79                         Book - progress each week

Hand Form - 118         AOK - 140

Weapon - 116              Yoga - 6 Hrs