The recent posts about grading day have got me to thinking about a goal I had set for myself. Although I was only a blue belt at the start of the year, I had planned to prepare myself to grade and earn my blackbelt by the end of the year. At the time I was on an upward trajectory and riding an enormous wave of possibility. It's interesting because previously I hadn't entertained the thought of being a blackbelt and then suddenly, wham... everything became clear and I could see myself on that path. I knew that I had a long way to go but for the first time I could feel and see the way forward. With hard work and effort I felt black belt was a very real possibility.
The pandemic was in full force at the time and training at home was a huge benefit to me. I was super comfortable in my bubble. Work was paused, life was just easier and the symptoms that I normally experience do to living with a mental illness were greatly reduced. For me the pandemic provided internal ease, clarity and as a result numerous opportunities. I trained regularly, I discovered, I learned and I grew as a martial artist and as a person. There were some negatives as well but overall I flourished. As I write this I am both grateful and sad. Grateful for everything I learned and gained during that time and sad because it points out how much mental illness affects me when I'm needing to do life and continuously manage anxiety and my personal bubble.
So the goal to earn my black belt was set and plans were made. Effort, routine and consistency took place daily. And then life events happened! I found myself navigating tons of personal stuff and also reintroducing in person training, resulting in more stress and anxiety. Life events were big this year and became all consuming. All the preparation and plans for earning a black belt ended up being set aside. My priorities changed.
Some of what was going on in my head when I set this goal was partially ego, but ego is not always bad. At times ego motivates, driving and propelling us forward. I am still learning to develop the ability to recognize when ego has taken over and is the main driver. I experienced a great lesson earlier this year in how easy it can be for ego to take control without even realizing it. Being objective and using humility as a guiding light to reduce the negative aspects of ego helps to create a better balance and gives us a deeper understanding of self and the ability to proceed intuitively.
I have no regrets with how everything turned out this year. Setting such a lofty goal helped me to continue to push myself and develop strategies. Everything I did and didn't do put me one step closer to earning a black belt one day. And while the year has not gone as planned, I have grown as a person in ways that I could not have imagined. I attribute much of that growth to the effort I put into my blogging. There is no failure for me, but rather a greater clarity of what is important in life. At some point in the future I will earn my blackbelt. And in the meantime I will continue on my journey to becoming the best version of myself and developing my skill as a martial artist.
No comments:
Post a Comment