If I truly want to leave meaningful breadcrumbs of substance it’s time for a bit of reality. A blog that really describes where I am, what I’m doing and how I’m feeling. It’s not that I haven’t been accurate in previous blogs, it’s that I haven’t been completely open in sharing with myself or the team.
Going into the start of this year, I feel I had some blinders on of my own making. There is a part of me that wanted to take the everything that worked so well last year and roll it into this year. My thought process was to customize the program to work better for me. I'd simply take a bit of this, a bit of that and voila, perfection! And I know that sounds very ego based, but I also know from first hand experience, how well I do when I'm able to step back, creating more space for myself. It's a bit like decluttering to produce open spaces and blank canvases, facilitating more freedom of movement and thought.
I’m finding it difficult to let go of something that worked so well for me last year. It’s not that I don’t value everything the program brings to the table. Everything I achieved last year was because of the strong foundation I had built over the years with the tools/requirements provided.
Our very first in person class was quite overwhelming towards the end. It wasn’t the push-ups and sit ups that I knew I needed to work on, it was everything Sfu Rybak talked about as she really laid out what we had signed up for. I could feel my anxiety increasing and the walls closing in. To some degree it felt as if I was loosing some of what I'd gained from the previous year.
Firstly, being unaware of the name change, I thought I had signed up for the IHC when in reality I was signing up for Kao Shi intensive. The word intensive on its own is intimidating and a bit scary. It’s interesting though how the universe brings you exactly what you need even if it’s not necessarily what you want.
So of course, I had a one on one with Sifu Rybak to discuss everything that was going on in my head. There was a part of me that hoped I could convince her to let me make a few adjustments to the program. There’s that ego again. Of course that didn’t fly, but she was able to talk me down off the ledge I felt I was on.
Recording and tracking everything is a sticking point for me. I’ve never had a problem meeting or exceeding the kilometres or act of kindness numbers. If I could alleviate tracking these two requirements, it would free up some space, not feel so overwhelming and I could still push myself. As Sifu Rybak mentioned these requirements and tracking are about being more intentional and building awareness especially if I already find them easy. Hmm, hard to argue with that.
The rest of the week was spent processing everything and trying to come to terms with what I’d signed up for. And then we had our first virtual class. Not what I would call an enjoyable class, rather a very strong reality check that felt directed to me. By the end of the class I still wasn’t completely sold. I do see value in all the requirements and I can see some value in tracking as a measurement of our progress. I also have personal experience to use as a gauge, which is causing a bit of conflict.
So as I continued to process, I considered my options and I considered why I had signed up in the first place. To add to my life, step out of my comfort zone and to push myself. OK, so I’m definitely getting what I signed up for, no surprise there. With all of this my anxiety level has increased again, but I know with a bit of time I’ll settle in more and be able to manage it better.
I was still at odds though, so I had to ask myself the question do I trust the process? Do I trust my instructors? What it comes down to is can I really say following this program in its entirety does not work for me until I fully embrace and engage in it to the best of my ability? The reason I ask myself this question is because I don't know how much of what I've done in the past is simply based on following guidelines and cherry picking to some degree along the way, versus embracing wholeheartedly and engaging 100% to the best of my ability.
With all that being said, I’m here to stay, and in the meantime, as I’m working through all of this, I’m putting in consistent effort and slowly figuring out how to keep track and best record my progress for all requirements.
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