Mending a relationship can be challenging at the best of times. My relationship with my mom presented some challenges over the years and I often wished for us to be closer. We didn't have the type of relationship where I was comfortable confiding in her. There were times growing up when we wouldn't speak for days due to a difference in opinion or rules that in my mind were never flexible. My mom was opinionated and strong willed. Dad was more even tempered, relaxed and a go with the flow kind a guy. A bit of Yin and Yang going on there. I tend to take more after my dad, so the relationship between my mom and I often consisted of some friction at times or I just stayed in the back ground to avoid conflict.
Mom had qualities that I saw as negative, but those same perceived negative traits gave her strength, courage, and self confidence. Aside from those traits that caused friction, I knew her to be a person that stood up for what she believed in and she lead by example. She always adhered to a strong set of values and morals and was honest to a fault. If she realized after returning home from a store that she hadn't been charged for an item, she would go back to the store and pay for it.
Mom loved shopping and was great at finding a bargain. She would buy months in advance of an occasion if it mean't getting a great price. Gifts from her always had a lot of intention and thought behind them. She was the person that you would take with you if wanted to negotiate a price. Car salesmen met their match when she walked through the door. She was confident in asking for for she wanted, and to walk away, but was never insulting. She treated people with respect. I fondly remember a Mexican jewelry shop owner running down the street after her, to agree to her price on a piece of jewelry. She loved unique jewelry, bold colours and dressed very well when attending social functions.
Mom loved to bring people together in social gatherings. Dad and her were always having dinner parties and get togethers with family and friends. She had more sets of dishes than anyone else I knew. Different dishes for different occasions. I'd often go over and help her prepare for dinner parties. The cooking and prep work was something that we had in common and brought us together. Mom's side of the family was also big into playing different card games and they all usually involved small amounts of money. I do miss those times!
My mom would have been 81 on March 11th this year. She passed away just days before her 68th birthday after her second battle with breast cancer. Her will to survive was an inspiration!
Her first experience with breast cancer was due to the discovery of a lump while doing a self exam. Turns out it was a very aggressive form of cancer which required a mastectomy, chemotherapy and radiation. The treatments were considered to be successful. About 18 months later, mom ended up with a mild case of pneumonia and an x-ray showed a spot on her lung. Her cancer had metastasized. The prognosis was not good and she was given 12 to 18 months.
Mom was always very determined to do whatever it took to either beat the cancer or at least extend the time that she had left. Due to previous issues with the chemo drugs, her oncologist suggested a cocktail of half strength given every 2 weeks for as long as she could continue going. She was able to do 14 chemo treatments and at the time was the first person to ever do that many in a row.
Mexico was one of my moms favourite places to travel to. She loved the sun, the beach and the Mexican people and it was her wish for all of us to go together one last time. Off we went for 2 weeks in between chemo with a bit of an extension between treatments. I was trained on how to look after the injection site on her arm and we were loaded with the supplies needed. It was great having most of us together in Mexico. Wonderful memories and pictures!
There were always those few bad days after the chemo treatments, but as soon as she was feeling a bit better, mom was off living life. She continued to play Bridge twice a week and get together with family and friends. As things progressed she reluctantly agreed to start taking something for the pain. I remember stopping by to visit her one afternoon and found her laying in bed. It was a Bridge night and she was feeling pretty rough. I didn't expect that she would be going to play that night, but oh yes, she was determined to rest, take something for the pain and then planned on getting up to shower and get ready to go. And that is exactly what she did. I am still amazed whenever I think back on this. The perseverance, the determination and the desire to live her best life is something that will always be remembered. And my dad was a rock star! He drove mom whenever and wherever she wanted or needed to be somewhere. His support was unwavering.
Right or wrong, those last 3 months were the most difficult for me. The physical signs were becoming more and more apparent. The loss of weight and the ever present shakes. This was not how I wanted to remember my mom. I didn't want this new image of her imprinted on my brain. She had made the decision to stay at home as long as possible and by the time she moved into a hospice care facility I found myself not wanting to visit as much. The long drawn out dying process that terminal cancer inflicts on a person and their loved ones is not fair and yet there are lessons in there.
Not only did I miss out on the opportunity to apply some mending to the relationship with my mom, I also didn't complete the grieving process. Grieving was cut short abruptly due to a huge curve ball that required me to completely shift my attention and go into survival mode for the sake of my kids and myself. So here I am now mending the relationship as best as I can in my mind and my heart and hopefully completing or at least continuing the grieving process.
The following Hawaiian healing prayer (Ho' oponopono) was introduced to me by a friend many years ago and has been helpful in mending a relationship and to facilitate forgiveness.
https://graceandlightness.com/hooponopono-hawaiian-prayer-for-forgiveness/
Namaste
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