Today I was having a great day. I went for a walk with my dad and helped him with some cleaning and then got to spend time babysitting my grandson. There was even some ice cream involved sitting under a tree together. I even managed to get some training in before class and then things went south. I know that if I want to progress there is so much more that I need to practice and focus on besides the team requirements and personal goals.
There is this little voice on one side acknowledging all the progress and success I have had throughout this pandemic and being supportive of my journey. And then on the other side there is the not so nice voice that points out everything that is lacking, what it's going to take to make improvements and questions what I am doing in Kung Fu. There is so much lacking! Am I just fooling myself? Unfortunately those opposing sides like to battle each other from time to time.
If I had a good day and wasn't feeling stressed, why has that nasty voice reared its ugly head? For me this is usually the product of a combination of too much stress and anxiety. So I though about it and realized there is the underlying stress of trying to find a new job and now attending classes in person instead of virtually. I do mostly enjoy being back at the kwoon, but hiding out in my basement training space is much more in my comfort zone. And the idea of full contact very soon does not fill my heart with joy either, so really what am I doing? The benefits of training at Silent River Kung Fu have been so huge and yet I am not seeing a clear path forward and am getting tired of this ongoing internal battle.
And yet if I strip away some of the emotion and think about things logically, I can see some value in the not so nice voice. Some of what that voice has to say is accurate. I need to strip away the feelings that don't serve me, evaluate and take action on some truths pointed out.
Namaste!
We all are lacking. All of us. There is no difference between a white belt and a black belt when it comes to lacking. The difference between the two belts is that a black belt uses the awareness of where they are lacking as a motivation to pursue excellence.
ReplyDeleteIt is easy to use the gap between where you are and where you want to be as an excuse to withdraw and give up. Trust me, to a master, that gap will always be there - fuelling their engagement. Perfection is a goal, never a final destination.