How Do I Train?

I had a great One on One with Sifu Brinker earlier this week. It was a productive meeting with some excellent takeaways. Towards the end of our discussion, Sifu Brinker casually commented on my training in the past as being "frantic". I had taken some notes afterwards, but kept coming back to that the word... frantic!

Truthfully, my initial thought was "hmm, that's a bit off base". And yet, if it really had no merit then why was I affected by the use of the word? I tossed and turned most of that night. It's interesting how a single word or observation presented by someone else can create such internal disruption. Another persons observation or perception doesn't necessarily make it the absolute truth, but there could however be a component of truth. I think it is also important to take into account the source and the intent.

My reaction was a perfect opportunity to ask myself why? Why can I not let this go? So, I first looked up the meaning of the word frantic to see if I could determine if and how it might apply to me. I was seeing some connections, but still not enough to be satisfied so I then looked at antonyms of the word frantic and started to make a few more connections.

Frantic - hurried, chaotic, disorganized, time crunch, fixated
Frantic Antonym - calm, composed, relaxed, balanced, grounded, moderate, peaceful

Taking time to contemplate where this was coming from and why, helped me to step back and look at my journey truthfully. In the past I have been all over the map. At times even a bit "frantic" There are many reasons for this. Mostly a hefty dash of anxiety, lack of confidence, ego and some competitiveness. I see where I created obstacles for myself, was inconsistent with the effort I put in and also didn't advocate for myself often enough.

As I look back at my kung fu training and journey, I can see a series of up and downs. I bounced around quite a bit during my orange and green belt years. I was really just trying to stay within my comfort zone and manage my anxiety as much as possible while still trying to push myself at times. I remember being faced with the prospect of moving up to the next level Teen/Adult class and dealing with a huge amount of anxiety. I just couldn't see myself in a more advanced, bigger class with higher belt level students. Panic would set in and I knew if I wanted to continue training then the morning class was best option for me at the time. This exposed me to different instructors and often components of higher belt level curriculum which came with a lot of benefits, but didn't help with developing consistency. I didn't have the consistency needed with my at home training either and I wasn't developing a solid working relationship with a core set of instructors.

It wasn't until I settled in and committed to the 9 AM class that I really started to develop some consistency and experience improvement. As my confidence started to increase, my anxiety began to lessen a bit. Keeping that morning class as an anchor, I was able to also start attending some evening classes. Obstacles still popped up here and there, but the path become clearer and more consistent.

I look back on my journey over this past year and am amazed at my progress. Did I really do all that in a relatively short period of time? The year has provided so much more than I ever would have expected. It has shown me that I am capable of more that I though and that self reflection, blogging and intentional effort equals results. And even when things didn't go so well it was still an opportunity to reflect some more and learn and grow. I have hopefully left 'frantic' far behind and have discovered, balance, flow, connections, setting intentional priorities, and am embracing the excitement of the ongoing journey and processes ahead of me for the coming year.

So, I ask myself "how do I train now?", "what can I learn from the past?", "and what will my training look like going forward?" I have new insights and knowledge to draw from and am grateful to Sifu Brinker and for that one little word - 'frantic'.