My goals were carefully considered and decided on for the year. I then planned and created organizational tools to help achieve and track those goals. And I know that everything was working great as I have my recorded numbers and notes as proof of my effort and achievements over the first few months.
Then along comes life with its own agenda. And life doesn't always align with our personal goals and plans. It's as if life has a life of its own, a sense of humor at times. It can spin us around causing our direction to be all wacky or sometimes leaving us feeling like we've been tossed into a deep dark tunnel. Life's agenda is not designed to be mean and is not out to get me. It is about lessons to be learned and personal growth. It is also about perspective and learning to be in the moment. Even a minor upset in the matrix of my life can provide a number of lessons. I can become a harder person as a result or a softer person and be open to learn.
Going through our forms mindfully helps to develop an eye for detail and to stay in the moment. That eye for detail starts to open up more pathways to an even greater awareness, possibility and subsequent exponential growth. The lessons provided by life also contain an enormous amount of detail. So I am learning as a result of my kung fu training to apply my eye for detail when it comes to life's numerous lessons. The key is I am willing to put in the effort and learn.
I feel like I'm in a bit of a holding pattern currently as I navigate everything life is throwing at me and trying to teach me. I am learning to be gentle with myself while still finding the correct balance. The tricky part is how much to push myself and when. I am fearful of taking the easy road. I fear falling off the wagon completely and getting stuck under a rock, unable to get loose and move forward again. It feels a bit like being on a merry go round and not able to get off. And just when it starts to slow down and I can feel some semblance of control, the wheel starts to spin quickly again. I know that my trajectory is still moving forward even with all the spinning and bumps along the way. I just want to be accomplishing more.
There is a combination of external factors swirling around me as I spin. Grief, my dad's health and living situation and working/coordinating 3 separate jobs for starters. Then there is the internal battle I am having when it comes to dealing with my knees and how I am going to move forward with my Kung Fu training. This is something that I am really struggling with. Logically I know there are adjustments that can be made and other directions and focus when it comes to my training. Much of that has already been implemented and in progress. When it comes right down to it, I am mourning the loss of being able to practice my forms as I have been able to do in the past. I had developed a love for forms. Forms have taught me so much, helped me to push myself past barriers, connected dots and provided numerous aha moments. I fear I am loosing the ability to continue that momentum.
Maybe my love of forms can transition over into helping other students in their Kung Fu journey. And while sparring and application has never been my strength, this is possibly another area to gain confidence and skill. Not the basket I would have put my eggs into, but I know there are plenty of benefits. Life has its own agenda designed to help me be the best version of myself if only I listen, learn and adapt.
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