Confidence means feeling sure of yourself and your abilities — not in an arrogant way, but in a realistic, secure way. Confidence isn't about feeling superior to others. It's a quiet inner knowledge that you're capable. It means you accept and trust yourself and have a sense of control in your life. You know your strengths and weakness well, and have a positive view of yourself.
Confidence or a lack of confidence has been a thorn in my side. I've struggled often over the years with lower self confidence and self esteem and at other times in my life I've felt confident and self assured. When I have experienced true self confidence it felt very organic. A natural feeling of being and doing.
My inner confidence ebbs and flows way more than I'd like it to. It's like first trying to catch a slippery eel, and then holding on to it. Just when I think I've got it, it slips away. Living with a mental illness means never knowing what the day will bring. It can be exhausting! I can only do my best each day and continue to push myself. I've done this many times and will continue, because with repetition, I learn, I adapt and my confidence grows. And sometimes it is one step forward and 2 steps back, but I don't stop.
The biggest thing for me is having trust in myself. I have learned and developed trust when it comes to my hand forms, but put a weapon in my hand and that's a bit more challenging. I am loving my choice of the double butterfly swords this year. Working with a weapon in each hand has helped me with the concept of working together yet separate and creating better fluidity. Creating my own form requires extra work and effort and tends to be frustrating at times, but is also always satisfying.
It is quite common when working on a form for a whole year to become disengaged. This is the first year though that I've really felt dissatisfied with my weapon form and myself. Not trusting and starting the comparison game is a sure fire way to cause the eel to slip free. So I stepped out of my comfort zone and asked for feedback from Sifu Brinker. Of course I got some great feedback and positive reinforcement which I needed. I wish I could trust myself more, but just like my hand forms I will develop that trust with my weapon forms as well. And I have a plan to continue moving forward.
When we DO feel confident, it's the BEST. We feel on top of the world, like we can do anything and accomplish all of our hopes and dreams. We can recognize all of our strengths and put them to good use without worrying so much about failure (Failure who? Never heard of her).
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