I am a Warrior!

I am a peaceful warrior. I know that both a peaceful heart combined with a warriors spirit is needed to embody the true essence of what it takes to be a warrior. As with anything, balance is necessary. And balance comes with training. We are all in training every moment and every day of our lives. 

A warrior is determined, motivated and purposeful. A warrior embraces life and will take action to make the impossible, possible. A warrior doesn't quit. A warrior battles self doubt while tackling life's challenges. A warrior takes action even when fear is present. These are all qualities of being a warrior and yet the most important quality is humility. Our ability to be humble helps to guide our actions and tackle life with integrity. 

I can attach many of these qualities to myself and I also know that they fluctuate from time to time and are constantly evolving. I have days where I am on top of my game and I have days where I am tested and provided with opportunities to learn from my failures. Because I recognize and have experienced these qualities in myself I am also able to recognize when they are lacking. With that awareness I can work towards having more consistency and balance in my life. Kung Fu has helped me to develop a warrior spirit and is teaching me how to balance my peaceful heart with my warrior spirit. 

Blackbelt Goal

The recent posts about grading day have got me to thinking about a goal I had set for myself. Although I was only a blue belt at the start of the year, I had planned to prepare myself to grade and earn my blackbelt by the end of the year. At the time I was on an upward trajectory and riding an enormous wave of possibility. It's interesting because previously I hadn't entertained the thought of being a blackbelt and then suddenly, wham... everything became clear and  I could see myself on that path. I knew that I had a long way to go but for the first time I could feel and see the way forward. With hard work and effort I felt black belt was a very real possibility. 

The pandemic was in full force at the time and training at home was a huge benefit to me. I was super comfortable in my bubble. Work was paused, life was just easier and the symptoms that I normally experience do to living with a mental illness were greatly reduced. For me the pandemic provided internal ease, clarity and as a result numerous opportunities. I trained regularly, I discovered, I learned and I grew as a martial artist and as a person. There were some negatives as well but overall I flourished. As I write this I am both grateful and sad. Grateful for everything I learned and gained during that time and sad because it points out how much mental illness affects me when I'm needing to do life and continuously manage anxiety and my personal bubble. 

So the goal to earn my black belt was set and plans were made. Effort, routine and consistency took place daily. And then life events happened! I found myself navigating tons of personal stuff and also reintroducing in person training, resulting in more stress and anxiety. Life events were big this year and became all consuming.  All the preparation and plans for earning a black belt ended up being set aside. My priorities changed. 

Some of what was going on in my head when I set this goal was partially ego, but ego is not always bad. At times ego motivates, driving and propelling us forward. I am still learning to develop the ability to recognize when ego has taken over and is the main driver. I experienced a great lesson earlier this year in how easy it can be for ego to take control without even realizing it. Being objective and using humility as a guiding light to reduce the negative aspects of ego helps to create a better balance and gives us a deeper understanding of self and the ability to proceed intuitively.

I have no regrets with how everything turned out this year. Setting such a lofty goal helped me to continue to push myself and develop strategies. Everything I did and didn't do put me one step closer to earning a black belt one day. And while the year has not gone as planned, I have grown as a person in ways that I could not have imagined. I attribute much of that growth to the effort I put into my blogging. There is no failure for me, but rather a greater clarity of what is important in life. At some point in the future I will earn my blackbelt. And in the meantime I will continue on my journey to becoming the best version of myself and developing my skill as a martial artist.

I am Compassionate

Our intelligent curriculum at SRKF teaches both empathy and compassion and their importance in and out of the Kwoon. I find that empathy and compassion often become meshed together as they both have very similar qualities and yet they are different. 

Empathy is the ability to feel for others, builds awareness, understanding and strengthens our human connections. When we empathize with others we have the ability to see things from other people's perspective. This gives us a broader more open outlook and the ability to understand a persons actions, and emotions. 

Compassion has many of the same qualities and is usually a response to empathy. Compassion creates a desire to help while also being able to separate ourselves from the emotion of a situation. Being able to set aside the emotion helps us to respond appropriately versus just reacting. Having the ability to remove or set aside emotion is important when it comes to managing an appropriate response and guides us. It is that appropriate response that is going to best help a person or situation.  

My current situation with my brothers has created an opportunity for me to practice both empathy and a develop a better understanding of compassion. At first I had no desire to put in any time or effort towards helping individuals that are creating harmful situations for myself and my dad. As things escalated and decisions were being made I had a moment when I knew compassion was needed. I would help them in some way. That is because I am compassionate. Being compassionate helped me to set aside some of my feelings of frustration and anger long enough to ask myself some difficult questions. Questions like should I help them? How can I help them? And why?

Why? Because in addition to having a family connection my brothers are fellow human beings. My dad would also be affected by what happens to both of them. And I would be at odds with myself if I didn't at least try to help in some way. I have empathy which gives me a measure of understanding. Compassion helps me to separate their behavior from their basic needs as human beings. 

The help I provided was in the way of information and resources. Who knows, that small bit of help may be a pivot point that determines where they end up. The choices are still theirs to make. And hopefully somewhere down the road they will become more positive, productive contributing members of society. A hand up. There are others whose first instinct would be to cut them off entirely and have them fend for themselves. Throw them to the wolves so to speak. This serves no one and has greater potential for negative outcomes.

The Right Thing To Do

 

What is the right thing to do? I've been asking myself this question more than once through these past months as I navigate a difficult situation.

I have had to step into the role of taking care of my dad as he deals with a challenging living situation and elder abuse from my 2 brothers that have been living with him in his home. Dad assures me there is no physical abuse, but I know there is emotional and financial abuse taking place. 

Now given the situation why would I even question if I am doing the right thing by helping and advocating for my dad? It's because at times I get resistance from dad and lots of kickback from my brothers. As we get closer to a solution that will keep dad safe and support his mental health, my 2 brothers behave more and more like cornered animals. 

Dad thinks he has everything under control and hasn't completely understood that he is in an abusive situation. He doesn't want my brothers living there anymore but he also doesn't want to see them on the streets and worries for their well being. I know he is also concerned about potential violence towards myself as they blame me for stirring things up and they constantly make threats. Dad ends up being stuck in the middle of two opposing forces. 

Up until April of this year dad had been able to drive and could leave his acreage daily when he wanted to get away from the toxic environment he lives in. Due to some health issues and beginning stages of dementia driving is no longer an option for him. We get him out of the house as often as possible, get him to appointments and help him to see and understand some of the options available. After talking to someone at the Elder Abuse hotline and reading some of their brochures I realize that it was time to change my approach somewhat. Because dad is still considered fully independent and able to make his own decisions, he is the one that has to be willing accept what is happening and make use of the resources and help available. And until that happens he needs supportive people around him. Once I realized this I was able to step back and let dad know that I am here for him in a supportive role as a loving daughter. I stopped pushing as much and I also stopped stressing as much over something I had little control over. I continued to be involved and monitor things while being proactive. We looked at housing options and found a great +55 apartment building in town that has many of the same amenities that a seniors lodge would have. A place where dad can for live independently, away from the abuse and engage in daily and weekly social activities within the building. 

I feel like I'm on a rollercoaster ride. Up, down, good, bad, and downright ugly at times. And through it all there have been times when I wondered if I was doing the right thing. Should it be this difficult and still be the right thing to do? And I've wondered if it was time to just throw in the towel. But no, this is my dad. I can't do nothing knowing all that he is dealing with. 

My main priority has been getting dad into a healthy and safe environment where he can thrive and socialize with others in normal surroundings. Plans had been made to start moving some of dad's furniture into his new apartment last Friday. Everything came to a screeching halt when the one brother made a huge scene at dad's house and threatened to kill everyone. Police were called in and we ended up getting no furniture moved. Dad of course was upset and asked to come home with us. He left with just the clothes on his back as he was too rattled to grab anything when the police escorted him into his house. We now have an Emergency Protection Order in place for dad and myself providing some recourse if the order is not adhered to.

It's the ongoing threats and backlash that I get from my brothers constantly that causes me to waiver at times. I start to question myself. Am I pushing too hard? Should I let things be? And then my conscience steps in and helps to guide me in the right direction. With dad having finally admitted that he has been living in an abusive situation we have been able to take some more concrete steps to keeping him safe. The road ahead is still going to have its challenges, but I just have to continue to let my conscience guide me and know that I am doing the right thing. 

I am thankful to the rest of my family that provide support and assistance and I am thankful that I have a solid healthy eating plan to keep me on track. Without that meal plan I would have gone off the rails for sure when it comes to food. Dietary self defense helps to support mental and physical health and manage stress which is much needed at the moment. Kung Fu is my anchor and conscience is my guide.