My blogs earlier in the year provide a lot of insight into my frame of mind and my plan for moving forward. There was no deadline, just a journey. I was focused on taking care of myself and progressing wisely.
Everything was going as intended. Focusing on self care helped me with my anxiety and dealing with all the stressors in my life. I was developing a great solid base to operate from. And this allowed me to gradually increase my numbers and increase my training. Everything was working great.
I had even composed a set of affirmations earlier in the year.
I will stay the course and focus on what is in front of me. I will re-evaluate and start each day anew as I steadily and intentionally move forward. I will not give up! I embrace feedback and help along the way. I am open to possibilities and enjoy the journey! I choose joy as I travel the path intended for me.
Somewhere along the way I started to deviate from the path in front of me. The yoga practice that helps to ground me and my mindfulness training throughout the day started to take a back seat to mental chatter and what I thought was much needed training and growth.
I tried to keep the thought of destination and deadlines out of the equation. There are however things that need to be completed by a specific date. I think those darn 5 applications derailed me more than I ever could have imagined or planned for. I have struggled greatly with them, to the point that I get emotional just thinking and writing this. It has been a slow process, but I have been able to break through the initial barrier and I am learning as I continue to push myself.
The 5 applications are one of my weaknesses and a weakness is an opportunity for growth and self discovery. I know the applications will add a vast amount of value to my Kung Fu and my life. I feel the world of martial arts opening up around me in a slightly different way. I am feeling a deeper connection.
My trajectory may be all over the place lately, and yet I can still see and understand the lessons I am being provided with as I struggle to overcome obstacles in my way. And many of the obstacles are me. My struggles currently are mostly internal. There is ego, an ingrained pattern of thinking and behavior and mental illness to work around. Struggling is something most of us want to avoid and yet there is so much value as we overcome and learn from our struggles. These current struggles are helping to remind me of the need for balance and are pushing me to break through old patterns of behavior.
Having these realizations makes me smile. The much younger version of me would have avoided struggle and pushed aside weakness. I've come a long way and I owe it to Kung Fu and the IHC program. That being said growth would have been even much slower without the reflection that comes with journaling and blogging.
To sum it all up, I'm regrouping and going back to making myself a priority. I'm not going backwards though. I will use what I know works to continue moving forward. I'll keep my affirmations in front of me, and utilize the tools within the IHC requirements to continue on my journey.
Something that Sifu Brinker would often say as we approached any “checkpoint” in the grading year was some variation of ‘deadlines are completely arbitrary, but they are also unfourtunatly useful’, having a deadline made you refocus, it made you revisit those affirmations, so although they are awful and can really throw wrenches into the path of mastery, they can do some good too
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