Discombobulated!

I've had a week of feeling off. A bit of irritability, impatience, anxiety and generally out of sorts. Some of these feelings can be attributed to work and some are a result of the Tiger Challenge. 

The Tiger Challenge is always a mix of emotions for me. This year there were extra layers of going out of my comfort zone as I would be competing in the blackbelt division for the first time and most likely in a role of judging events.

In the Young Dragons class this week I was given the opportunity to be a centre judge in a sparring ring. Watching and doing are very different and most of what I thought I knew left my brain. I fumbled a lot, but did ok. I felt bad that Todai Poonie injured her shin in the last match which left me thinking I could have maybe prevented the injury. 

During a conversation with Sihing Logan Ward, he commented that the student gained a valuable lesson and will have benefited from the injury. When he pointed that out I was able to remove the focus from myself and see the whole picture - student and instructor both learning. I didn't get to see Todai Poonie compete in the Tiger Challenge, but I did see she competed and earned a medal in sparring.

Knowing this would be a stressful week with the upcoming Tiger Challenge I planned for extra self care. The extra yoga sessions and Qi Gong throughout the week helped to mitigate anxiety and stress. I would also remind myself to put things into perspective when I found myself starting to get wound up.

Another Tiger Challenge has come and gone and I stepped out of my comfort zone. I competed in the blackbelt division for the first time and acted as a judge in the level 2 Teen/Adult division. I am less focused on the medals earned or not earned and more focused on the personal wins.

Totals

Push ups & Sit ups: 700/15000
Hand form: 9/224
Weapon form: 19/235
KM: 22/450
AOK: 28/484
Sparring: 2/91
Blogs: 1/18
Yoga: 1/9 hrs
Tai Chi: 23/282
MM:17/360

Mixed Emotions

Some wisdom from Seth Godin 

_The moments when it’s the most difficult to be kind are the moments where it matters the most._

Sifu Brinker posted this recently and it really resonates with me. It brings to mind a recent event providing an example of a moment that was difficult and provided an opportunity for mindful kindness.

I recently made the conscious choice to give my brother Kevin a hug! As I initiated the hug I remember thinking this is a fellow human being that most likely has not felt a warm physical connection with another person for a very long time and how sad that is. Given our history a hug was not top of my list of things to do, but I knew the difference and importance a simple hug could make. 

To put this into context both my brothers emotionally and financially abused my dad while living with him and Kevin had made serious threats to me and other family members resulting in a protection order against him. It wasn't until we got both brothers off the property and sold dad's acreage that things began to settle down. 

Dad hears from both of them occasionally and has had no further issues. Even though things have settled down, I know all that can change quite quickly. There is a pattern of behavior to keep in mind so I'm happy to keep my distance while monitoring the situation.

3 weeks ago Kevin appeared at my dad’s apartment with no where to go. Initially he just needed to stay 1 night and then attend court in Stony Plain the next morning. He was apologetic and sounding more reasonable than he had in a long time and had no where else to go. (He had been kicked out of his lodging the previous day)

Seeing him in person and talking with him after more than a year was a bit uncomfortable at first. During our initial conversation he mentioned he had made some personal connections in Alberta Beach area and wanted to continue to live there which really stood out for me. His life for the past 10 years had revolved around playing video games and listening to conspiracy podcasts with very little human interaction other than immediate family. Making social connections was a huge step forward for him and I saw that as a sign of hope.

The initial 1 night became another night and another and so on. I certainly didn't love the idea of Kevin staying for longer. I weighed past behaviours, his current emotional state, dad's well being and need to help and my own humanity. Knowing when and how to help without enabling can be challenging. That is where empathy, compassion and realistic expectations come into play. I also have a good understanding of each of us needing to walk our own paths.

The situation was not ideal and created some additional stress for dad and myself. We were waiting on a psych assessment to be done that had been ordered by the court. These things tend to take longer than expected so Kevin continued to sleep on dad's couch. At one point he left for a few days and then he came back, causing a few problems along the way. The psych assessment finally got done and Kevin is on medication which will hopefully help to even out his moods and allow him to function better in society.

 I was able to find my brother a place to stay short term in Alberta Beach that will hopefully help him to continue building relationships and dad is paying for most of the cost until subsidized housing gets processed and put in place. A big part of all of this is Kevin wants to be a functioning part of society with personal connections and is open to help. I put in some time and effort to not only help my brother but also help my dad who was becoming more and more stressed with Kevin and his current situation. 

Empathy, compassion and forgiveness come much easier to me than say 10 or even five years ago. I contribute this to Kung Fu and to all the mindful blogging I've done over the years. Because of this I also find it easier to let go and practice forgiveness. 

I believe there is even greater potential for positive ripples in the world when kindness takes place during difficult moments.

Totals

Push ups & Sit ups: 1150/14300
Hand form: 10/215
Weapon form: 14/216
KM: 30/427
AOK: 20/456
Sparring: 2/89
Blogs: 1/17
Yoga: 30/8hr
Tai Chi: 24/259
MM:24/343

The Magic

I can recall numerous times in the past where an instructor would tell me to not overthink and just let my body move naturally. These conversations usually took place when I was having trouble remembering a sequence in an application. I struggled with applying the advice as I had trouble get past the need to do everything correctly.

Fast forward to Tuesday nights class. This is where the magic happened!

We worked on an application with a partner with the intent of applying an earlier lesson of the night. And as I stood in front of my partner, I was having trouble figuring out what lead to be in and deciding whether or not I should be projecting forward. It was a familiar application that I hadn’t done in a while and I wanted to get right. After a few mediocre attempts my focus shifted to the lesson of the night. As I applied our concepts of form to the application - bam, magic happened. My body moved through the sequence naturally and suddenly my feet and body did what they needed to do. I wasn’t worried about how to step or thinking about which foot went where. 

After going back and forth a few times I quickly realized that I was getting caught up with the ease and  flow of the sequence. I still needed to be aware of my intent and survive the initial attack. Afterwards this got me to thinking about flow and the role intent plays when trying to develop flow in our forms. The knowledge and lessons have always been there and through a sequence of events my understanding of flow has expanded and will help me as I continue to work on flow within my forms.

After all those years of being told not to overthink, I finally get it.  

Totals

Push ups & Sit ups: 905/13150
Hand form: 9/205
Weapon form: 14/202
KM: 28/397
AOK: 34/436
Sparring: 5/87
Blogs: 1/16
Yoga: 0/7.5 hrs
Tai Chi: 16/235
MM:25/319

Struggling and Progressing

I am struggling and at the same time progressing. 

Even though I’m not completely on track, I am completing a decent amount of push-ups and sit-ups and am blogging faithfully. I also keep track of the other aspects of my training at home to have a broader picture of where I am and what I’m doing.

My hand form and weapon form are where I'm struggling the most. If I push myself to do more reps my knees suffer as a result. I really just want to be able to flow through a complete form without having stability issues and glitches because of my knees. My struggles are physical and mental/emotional. I have a few ideas why this has become more of an issue and am working through some things.

When I stop to consider all the moving parts of my life, efforts applied and overall engagement I should be happy with what I see. And for the most part I am. The problem is I'm also aware of lost opportunities and time wasted. 

Diet and sleep are big contributors to my overall well-being so I've restarted and am more mindful of my choices when it come to what I put into my body. Sugar is a big one for me. I seem to fight this battle over and over again. I do very well for a period of time and then I fall off the wagon. It's the winter months that tend to create havoc with my willpower. 

There has also been some added stress due to a challenging family dynamic. It’s surprising how easily good habits like healthy eating, gratitude, meditation and yoga can slide away when stressors start to build. Even though I've experience this happening I also recognized more and more moments where I consciously make positive choices. Choices that eliminate mediocrity in that moment and are building blocks towards mastery.

I feel this is a pivotal time in my training and an opportunity to define myself as a martial artist. It may not happen in one day or even one week, but I'm confident it will happen. And while my knees may cause me to be frustrated at times I'm also excited because I know there will be progression and a stronger sense of direction. I'm looking forward to seeing where this journey takes me. 

Totals

Push ups & Sit ups: 1050/12245
Hand form: 3/196
Weapon form: 9/188
KM: 42/369
AOK: 29/402
Sparring: 0/82
Blogs: 1/15
Yoga: 30/7.5 hrs
Tai Chi: 23/219
MM:24/294