Reflections, Part 2

I Have taken some time this week to really dig deeper and reflect more on what this past year means to me and how I've grown. After last weeks blog I just wasn't feeling great about where my perspective had taken me. I had a conversation with Sifu Brinker earlier this week, which really prompted some deeper thinking and I realised my thought process has been too general. Instead of grouping everything into one big piece, I needed to break the year down into specific pieces. As a result, I was able to process everything easier and began to see the growth in those individual pieces.

In addition, I had created an idea in my mind of what I wanted for personal growth, and was let down by the results. Not blaming the program, but instead blaming myself. This was a barrier I created in my own mind. When I quit looking at what I wanted out of the program, I was able to actually see what I had received. The barrier was removed.

Here is what I've figured out:

Journaling has been the most important and profound growth for me this year. It is a record of my journey this year and has given me a voice and connection. It prompts me to reflect in a manner that creates awareness, growth and a deeper personal conscious thought process.

I have enjoyed learning the nunchuks this year. I chose to create my own form because I didn't want the added pressure of trying to learn and remember the school form. After a lot of time, effort and numerous revisions, as well as adding a musical form for the Tiger Challenge, I am quite happy with the results for my first go at this. Next time, I will have the confidence to learn a school form. Now that's growth!

When I think back to that very first performance in class with my nunchuks and where I am today, I can recognise and feel the difference. My nerves and anxiety are always present whenever I'm doing anything in front of other people, but they have lessened a small degree and despite the nerves I enjoy doing the demos with the team. There has definitely been growth and I will continue working on becoming more confident.

For hand forms, I chose kempo to practise over and over 1000 times. At the beginning of the year, I enjoyed doing kempo, but as I started to break it down and make adjustments, it changed for me. I became frustrated, discouraged and humbled. Kempo and I were no longer friends! I was embarrassed to even practise kempo during open training, so I just stopped altogether. We are told and we know that kung fu means hard work! We are also told to take what we are learning and practise, practise, practise! It wasn't until around late August that I looked at my number of reps for kempo and thought, I need to figure this out. I realised that kempo and I would never stand a chance of being friends if I didn't put some time and effort into making that happen. So I made a plan and committed myself to practising over and over. Many more adjustments have been made and we are slowly becoming friends again. I don't think that 1000 reps of kempo will ever be enough, but much improvement and learning can be found in those reps. Kung fu is hard work, not just physical, but mentally as well, and it really does translate into every aspect of my life.

I have also had a number of experiences these past few months that reinforce what Sifu Brinker mentioned at our last meeting in regards to dwelling on stuff. When I talk to a friend or anyone who is supportive and knowledgeable about a dilemma, I have sometimes been able to answer my own question during the conversation or I have been given a different perspective to think about. Problem solved! Dwelling on something is certainly not productive and wastes a lot of time and energy that could be better spent.

There have been numerous other small changes as a result of my year on the sheep team. Even this past weeks' reflection and learning has been huge for me. Isn't it amazing that so much can happen in such a short period of time? While I may not be able to even see all the changes right now, a ripple effect has been created and the forward motion has begun.  

Michele Ward

Reflection From Inside the Bubble

A couple of months ago I started thinking about my journey in the I Ho Chuan and whether or not I saw the year as a success or failure. Even though at the time there was still 3 months to go and I definitely was not going to be able to meet all the requirements, I saw the year as a huge SUCCESS!! A success, because I have faced more challenges and major changes during this past year and also accomplished and experienced much more than I thought possible for me when I first started the year in February. A number of different health issues slowed me down somewhat for the first 7 months, but I continued to push myself and consistently stepped outside my comfort zone. I generally don't like change and do my best to avoid it when ever possible.

While I can recognise all of the positive aspects of my year and everything that I have accomplished, I also see the need for continued growth, reflection and adjustment. I feel like I have barely scratched the surface.That being said, I need to remember to consistently recognise my accomplishments each and every day as I move forward.

Successes and accomplishments this year:

Joined the sheep team
Navigated the world of computers
Journaling regularly
Learning nunchuks
48,820 sit ups
41,890 push ups !!!!!!
Aok's
Spiritual growth
Tackled kempo with a new outlook
Performing in front of the team
Farmers Day demo
Canada Day demo
Alberta Beach demo
Festival of Trees demo
Tiger challenge (2 gold & 2 silver medals)
Created and performed a musical nunchuk form
Shoalin combative class
Talking in front of people
Quit job of 9 years
Enrolled as a full time student
Dragon dance

Despite all my accomplishments this year I am having trouble seeing and feeling an actual change in myself. (I am my own worst enemy!) I'm not sure how to explain what I am feeling or thinking right now. I think that with everything I have done this year, I was hoping for more transformation in myself, if that makes any sense. Previously my life has mostly been about living under the radar, being cautious and maintaining control. Essentially living inside a protective bubble. There have been times over the years when that bubble shrunk or disappeared altogether, some with good results and some with not so good results. I have spent a good part of this past year working at shrinking that bubble and while I can view that as a success, I'm having trouble recognising the positive change and growth as a result. I think that where my frustration comes in right now is knowing that I can't and won't stop the momentum, but wanting results as I push myself to go forward, and NOT feel like very little has changed. It's an internal issue and even though my intellectual and spiritual knowledge has increased, I have trouble applying all that knowledge to myself. Baby steps, Right?

Michele Ward



 

Journaling Then and Now

At the beginning of the sheep year I found journaling to be difficult and even a little scary at first. I've never been much of a writer and organising my thoughts into words does not come easy for me. Sharing my private thoughts and emotions has also always been difficult for me.

 Initially I viewed journaling as just one of the many requirements. A box to check each week, but I pushed through and with out even realising it, at some point it became so much more than just another box to check. There are still weeks that thinking of something to write takes a  lot of thought and effort and then there are weeks that 2 or 3 ideas come to mind. Ideas usually come to me when I'm laying in bed trying to get to sleep and I end up getting out of bed to write out ideas so that they are not forgotten.

I'm not sure how much my journaling has progressed over the year, but I do know that it is not as difficult as it was in the beginning and I think that I'm actually enjoying the process. I have found that journaling really pushes me to contemplate and reflect on my thoughts, feelings and events of the week and helps me organise and express those thoughts and feelings. If we don't take the time to reflect and journal, then days, weeks, and months can go by in a blur as we go about our busy lives. And isn't that a type of mediocrity if we allow that to happen?

If you think about it we actually have the ability in a sense to slow down time when we reflect and journal regularly. A greater sense of awareness of ourselves and everything around us occurs naturally through this process. While all of the requirements are important and each has its own value, I really see journaling as the core of the I Ho Chuan.

Michele Ward

New Year

A year can feel like a long time and yet it can also go by very quickly. In some ways it feels like just yesterday that I was beginning my year as a member of the sheep team.  So many emotions, changes, experiences and successes have occurred up to this point and the year of the sheep isn't even finished yet. Even though our year has changed from 2015 to 2016, as an I Ho Chuan member my year won't change until the year of the monkey.

From this point forward I will view Chinese New Year as the change of the year, signifying an ending and a new beginning. I look forward to continuing with my accomplishments from the year of the sheep and building on those accomplishments during the coming year.

Sit ups           1120          (47,090)
Push ups        1270          (39,615)
walking          22.3km     (1331)
Kempo           0               (364)
Nunchuks       0               (705)
sparring          0               (246)
Aok's             13              (907)

Michele Ward