Trusting Wisely

When it comes to trusting my kung fu, I find it is mostly comes down to feel. I love that feeling of really being grounded as I execute a technique. Kind of like a bolt being tightened and sucked into place. And when this happens the techniques themselves feel solid and powerful. Everything is working together as it should. There is that brief release right before the connection with the ground and bam... the deliver of power. You absolutely know when timing, technique and the six harmonies are working together. 

The transition of footwork is another component of our forms that brings me joy. There are sections that I feel stability and ease of movement within the transition. Some came about through hours of repeatedly isolating segments and a lot of determination. Other transitions evolved over time more naturally. 

It's moments like these that help me to build trust in my abilities as a martial artist. It is also the struggles I have with techniques, transitions, working with a partner, knowledge and overall skill that also cause me to doubt myself. So what is the answer? Well, I know that when ever I train I mostly feel good. And I always feel good when I train with passion and intent.

Ahh, so the key to trusting myself more is training more!!

The interesting thing about trusting oneself is there is also the danger of ego taking hold and overlooking areas for improvement or needed course corrections. Remaining humble and open minded is the key to continued growth. It is also when I either feel totally inept or trust myself that I ask fewer questions. Not really the right approach to take. There is value in asking the right question no matter what my skill or comfort level is. Feedback from our instructors is always beneficial. I usually learn the most from answers that are unexpected or answers that are difficult to embrace. 

So I will strive to make myself teachable, have an open mind, work hard, build trust in myself and ask the right questions.

Confidence

Confidence means feeling sure of yourself and your abilities — not in an arrogant way, but in a realistic, secure way. Confidence isn't about feeling superior to others. It's a quiet inner knowledge that you're capable. It means you accept and trust yourself and have a sense of control in your life. You know your strengths and weakness well, and have a positive view of yourself.

Confidence or a lack of confidence has been a thorn in my side. I've struggled often over the years with lower self confidence and self esteem and at other times in my life I've felt confident and self assured. When I have experienced true self confidence it felt very organic. A natural feeling of being and doing.

My inner confidence ebbs and flows way more than I'd like it to. It's like first trying to catch a slippery eel, and then holding on to it. Just when I think I've got it, it slips away. Living with a mental illness means never knowing what the day will bring. It can be exhausting! I can only do my best each day and continue to push myself. I've done this many times and will continue, because with repetition, I learn, I adapt and my confidence grows. And sometimes it is one step forward and 2 steps back, but I don't stop.

The biggest thing for me is having trust in myself. I have learned and developed trust when it comes to my hand forms, but put a weapon in my hand and that's a bit more challenging. I am loving my choice of the double butterfly swords this year. Working with a weapon in each hand has helped me with the concept of working together yet separate and creating better fluidity. Creating my own form requires extra work and effort and tends to be frustrating at times, but is also always satisfying.

It is quite common when working on a form for a whole year to become disengaged. This is the first year though that I've really felt dissatisfied with my weapon form and myself. Not trusting and starting the comparison game is a sure fire way to cause the eel to slip free. So I stepped out of my comfort zone and asked for feedback from Sifu Brinker. Of course I got some great feedback and positive reinforcement which I needed. I wish I could trust myself more, but just like my hand forms I will develop that trust with my weapon forms as well. And I have a plan to continue moving forward.

When we DO feel confident, it's the BEST. We feel on top of the world, like we can do anything and accomplish all of our hopes and dreams. We can recognize all of our strengths and put them to good use without worrying so much about failure (Failure who? Never heard of her).

Sneaky Ego

I can almost pinpoint the exact moment my thought process veered off track and ego started to worm it's way in. The week of July 11th. I remember thinking how evolved I was becoming. Ego had snuck up on me with a huge congratulations and a big pat on the back. 

I was having so much success in learning from each and every struggle. The inability to get back on track with my training became less and less important. I was making huge strides in other areas of my personal growth. I could sense myself evolving and began to feel empowered. And as that happened I found myself ok with not getting as much training done.

Ego can be sneaky sometimes. I sure didn't see it coming. I was too consumed with work, life and my dad, among other things. So as I struggled and was unable to get back on the training wagon, ego was the furthest thing from my mind. 

I knew that feeling guilty could become and issue and so I turned my focused to gratitude and being more aware of the positives and successes throughout the days and weeks. Even though I wasn't able to get my physical training back on track, I was still going to all my classes, helping out when available, engaging with the team, planning projects, working at figuring out where I am and what I'm doing and blogging. I actively worked through every snag that I encountered along the way. The actions, reflections, realizations and personal growth became my life preserver as I floundered around in an ocean of wave after wave. 

I put a lot of effort into where I was, what I was doing and why. At the time that's what I was able to do, both physically and mentally. Somethings just need to be worked through at their own pace so I don't think anyone could have helped me at the time. Even though I veered off track I don't see it as wasted effort because of the valuable lessons learned along the way. I believe that everything happens for a reason.

Attending Thursday nights IHC meeting was very timely and highly important in my personal journey. I think that because I had been able to restart my physical training with more consistency prior to the meeting I was also able to absorb the messages Sifu Brinker provided to us. I had already started to forge a new path, hopefully leaving most of the ego behind. Thursday nights meeting provided much needed reinforcement and helped to provide more clarity. 

Not All Bad - Numbers To Date

It has been much too long since I've posted any numbers. Since the end of April actually. If you have been reading my blogs you will know that I have been struggling in many ways. The effort has been there off and on, but my efforts to get back on track over the months usually only lasted a day or two. I tried numerous times and never seemed to remain consistent. I've given myself all sorts of start dates. Tomorrow, next week, the beginning of the month and even the present day. Nothing seemed to work. 

This past week has seen some of my best effort and results. So what has changed? The biggest turning point has been coming to the conclusion that I just have to let go of circumstances beyond my control. I have exhausted all avenues of help and support for my dad and myself. Even though the situation is no better, I feel some weight lifted and stress has been reduced. Mental and physical energy is now able to be redirected to where it will best serve me and in return others as well.

This weekend I sat down and took a look at everything I had recorded for May, June, July and August. Because I never gave up and continued to track most of my progress I do actually have some numbers recorded. I am thankful for those numbers and am aware that there are some that also got missed. Acts of kindness are one of the biggest areas that I stopped recording and even thinking about and it shows in my totals. 

As I added things up though, an interesting thing happened. I had started off thinking about how dreadful my numbers were going to be and how far behind I was. Very quickly though something changed and I found myself starting to feel excited. I remember thinking this is not what I expected to feel. As I added the numbers each week and saw the totals grow, I began to feel a sense of accomplishment. Yes I wasn't where I wanted to be, but I was much further along than I realized and further along than I would have been if I had stopped recording my numbers completely. Wow, the power of tracking progress and not giving up!

Numbers February 1 - August 31st

PU - 19920                 Sparring - 353        

SU - 20460                 KM - 570            

Hand Form - 475        AOK - 422

Weapon - 455             Yoga - 16 Hrs

I Am My Product

  

At the start of the year I made note of the I am topics that were of interest to me. As the weeks progressed I usually found that a specific topic would grab my attention and so I would contemplate and write. This current I am topic did not make the list initially, but I have found myself somewhat intrigued by it. At first glance it felt out of place. Not really aligned with the others. And because it felt a bit random, I found myself drawn to it from time to time. I began to consider the meaning and value of this topic and how it applies.

So how does this apply to me? As I considered the potential meaning behind I am a business/product, I began to see how our lives could be thought of a business, and if that is the case we are our own product. As a business owner and institution I am responsible for my financial state, my overall health and wellness. I may have business partners to consider and even young entrepreneurs that I am responsible for. I am a leader and often a follower. I work at building stronger relationships. I wear different hats as needed and am challenged regularly by the fluctuations of life. I learn, adapt and continue to grow just like any other healthy and productive business. How I manage my life/business plays a huge part in my degree of success or failure. 

I also play an important role within the community. Being actively engaged helps me to develop connections. I can spearhead different projects, support various causes and be an advocate for positive change. Silent River Kung Fu is a great example of this as well as other local businesses which inspire me to operate at a similar level. 

Like any business owner I need be able to learn from my mistakes and my successes, be somewhat flexible, adapt and continue to grow as a person and as a business. I take on the challenge of opportunities when they come along and embrace the possibilities.  Kung Fu and the IHC team are key ingredients to operating my business and developing my product. I wouldn't be where I am today without them. The more time and effort I put into my business and my product, the greater the positive impact I will have on the world around me.

It turns out that 'I am my business/product' perfectly aligns with the other I am topics. Each of the I am topics are all components of understanding and building the best version of my product and my business.