Breaking Boards

Our annual break-a-thon often causes me stress and anxiety leading up to the day of the event. Somehow when the time arrives though, most of the anxiety disappears and I find myself enjoying the class. Instead of worrying about possibilities and outcomes, I become engaged in the moment. It's as if a switch has been flipped and it's now game time.

I love the camaraderie with fellow students and instructors during this event. We are all putting ourselves out there to some degree, applying our skill and knowledge and supporting and cheering each other on.

I almost didn't bring out my wood boards that night to try, but thankfully after using mostly re-breakable boards I decided to go for it and I'm so glad I did. The feel and sound that comes with breaking a wood board is a beautiful thing. 

My goal for next year is to go into the break-a-thon feeling a sense of excitement and confidence in myself. Breaking boards once a year isn't enough to get me to that point. Too much time passes in between and so I'm thinking of adding board breaks as a personal goal for next year.

Totals

Push ups & Sit ups: 1120/31770
Hand form: 16/427
Weapon form: 12/448
KM: 73/1214
AOK: 48/1068
Sparring: 5/164
Blogs: 1/40
Yoga: 30/20 hrs
Tai Chi: 21/571
MM:45/819

Thanks Again Kung Fu!

I wasn't always able to make the connections between Kung Fu and life outside of the Kwoon. Now I experience connections and the benefits of Kung Fu frequently. It's in the way I try to live my life, my constantly changing perspective and evolution, my struggles, my failures and successes. 

I recently took on a task that most likely I wouldn't have agreed to 2 years ago. A friend from high school passed away in August after battling cancer for the 3rd time. In the early days after being diagnosed, my friend Linda was focused on planning and making arrangements for the end of her life. During one of our visits she had asked me to do a eulogy at her celebration of life and I found myself saying - hmm..., ok, yes. 

Linda's celebration of life took place this past Friday and yes, I did go up and give a eulogy in honor of my friend. And I thank Kung Fu from the bottom of my heart for preparing me and giving me the confidence and capability to take on such an important role.

When Linda's daughter asked me in September if I would still be willing to do a eulogy, there was a moment where I paused briefly before again answering yes. And surprisingly, I didn't find myself overly anxious or stressed about getting up in front of people to talk. After writing the eulogy I practiced reading it out loud numerous times and made a few tweaks. I'm not sure if one can ever be fully prepared for reading a eulogy to a large group of grieving friends and family. The one thing I didn't account for was the emotion in the room. I knew it was going to be difficult, but it wasn't until I was up at the podium speaking that I realized how much emotion there was to get past in order deliver the eulogy and honor my friend.

Thanks again Kung Fu!

Hooray!

Hooray, I've finally remembered the sequence of moves in Tai Chi 4!     

I have been struggling lately with the length of part 4 and being able to remember past the first half of the sequence. This has caused a bit of frustration to creep in. As I feel the frustration, I also acknowledge the distance traveled and am able to move on. The problem is the niggle of frustration has been growing.

At home I practice as far as I can remember. When I get stuck, I start again and continue to practice what I know. And I learn valuable insights that often come from just being relaxed, and in the moment. 

Class time is an opportunity for me to follow along and ask for help and of course we continue to frequently add more moves. The frustrating part is I can follow along and then when I do it on my own,  poof... it's gone. Darn, I thought I had it! This seems to be happening a lot where I think I have it and then it's gone again. The interesting thing though is I can still see baby steps where I'm remembering a little bit more each week. 

In the past I would often feel frustrated and annoyed with myself. Thankfully my journey over the years has helped to teach me awareness of self and to find the balance between pushing myself and embracing the moment. I've learned to be gentle with myself and am finding it to be a much more pleasant journey filled with experiences and teachings I may have missed in the past.

Totals

Push ups & Sit ups: 850/30650
Hand form: 16/411
Weapon form: 13/436
KM: 29/1169
AOK: 27/1020
Sparring: 0/159
Blogs: 1/39
Yoga: 30/19 hrs
Tai Chi: 15/550
MM:24/774

Where Am I ...

Where am I? 

I’m a bit stuck

 - after 2 weeks away I’m finding it a bit challenging to get back on track. It feels like I’ve got one foot on and one foot off. I'm mostly enjoying the scenery as I ride the slow train around and around. There is upward trajectory. The thing is, I know I could be doing more. Or maybe I'm right where I should be at this time. Hmm? Keeping mediocrity at bay has been more of a struggle this year. Thank goodness for the IHC. Without it I'd still be at the train station not knowing where to go or what to do.

What Am I Doing?

Making connections

- The connections I've been experiencing recently are very different from each other and yet they each hold a similar underlying message. The universe is showing me what I am capable of and reminding me of the value of practice. The IHC meeting on Thursday helped to pull everything together and provide the final poke needed. The awareness was already there, I was just trying to dodge the pokes.

 1.  Recent yoga sessions have included candle gazing as part of the routine. Simply put, I light my candle and gaze at the flame, then close my eyes. The goal is to hold the image of the flame with eyes closed. I'm sometimes able to see the shape of the candle in shadow or even the flame itself. The flame can appear as a darker flickering spot or have a slight orange glow. I can hold the image for a short time before it fades away. The connection I made at the time is how similar it is to my Kung Fu and anything in life really. It's very simple, the more I practice the better I will get.

2.  Tai Chi is a wonderful tool that is giving me much insight into my six harmonies and my chi. I recently had the most unusual and amazing experience while practicing at home. There was a moment while practising Tai Chi 4 where everything fell into place and I could actually feel the ground move with me. I wasn't just moving across the floor, it was a sensation of carrying the ground with me as I moved. Just like candle gazing this is something that will continue to develop with practice, time and patience. 

3.  The 5 applications has been on my mind lately as the candidates prepare. I think back to how much I struggled with this myself last year. I had felt completely out of my element and unable to see a way forward. Perseverance and support from my instructors and my partner helped get me to a successful completion, learning so much along the way, while having fun. The connection here is a reminder of what I can do when I put my mind to it and the barriers I can break through.  

Where am I going?

- That is a much more difficult question to answer. There will always be things out of my control. I think though there is more in my control than I give myself credit for. I have some thoughts and ideas on how to proceed. Firstly, I know I want to incorporate more consistent practice into my day. Some of that will be very intentional practice and some will be practice with focus on letting go of ego and outcome.

Totals

Push ups & Sit ups: 880/29800
Hand form: 6/395
Weapon form: 8/423
KM: 29/1140
AOK: 34/993
Sparring: 2/159
Blogs: 1/38
Yoga: 30/18.5 hrs
Tai Chi: 12/535
MM:24/750

Mindful Moments

One of my personal goals this year has been to practice mindfulness. In a perfect day I could stop once every hour to be mindful of my surroundings and my breath, taking no more than 30 each time. When I first set the goal I didn’t realize how challenging it would turn out to be. 

In the beginning there were times when I thought of the practice as a nuisance and found myself tense, wanting to rush through the breaths to get it done quickly. I remember thinking my desire to rush through was an indication of needing a lot of mindfulness practice. Thinking back now, I realize part of the issue was also my approach. I was trying to force something that wasn't working. My approach at the time was fixed and didn't serve me in that particular moment. 

It's interesting how this practice has changed from the beginning of the year to now. I started with an hourly alarm on my Fitbit that helps as a reminder to stop, breathe and be in the moment. There are times when this works wonderfully as intended and other times where it can be disruptive given the circumstances. Even though the alarm doesn't always work, it is a much needed poke throughout the day to help keep me mindful and continue with my practice. 

In addition to the alarm, I've found other ways to trigger a mindful moment. Waiting in line or stopped at a red light are great opportunities to practice being mindful. 5 - 30 seconds is all that is needed. The trick is to remember to take advantage of these moments. Like anything we do, it takes practice and some days I'm more successful than others.

My perception and knowledge of mindfulness has grown over the year and continues to evolve. I find myself looking out the window more often and enjoying the view. Even a cloudy and rainy day brings me joy. And there are times now when this happens naturally without prompts. Practicing mindfulness has increased my ability to recognize and feel gratitude.

I've accumulated more tools than what I started with as I continue to work on adding mindful moments into my day. There are times when practice consists of a brief & simple pause to look out the window or a more intentional practice of deep breathing and awareness of self or surroundings. I've recently added in a new tool and have started to focus on visualizing my heart with each breath, working towards brain and heart coherence, which I'm really enjoying.

I still struggle with consistency most days and at times quality, but I am slowly developing and deepening my practice. 

Totals

Push ups & Sit ups: 800/28920
Hand form: 13/389
Weapon form: 15/415
KM: 31/1112
AOK: 24/959
Sparring: 2/157
Blogs: 1/37
Yoga: 1/18hrs
Tai Chi: 14/523
MM:24/726

Do This, Do That

Something I noticed after being back home for only a few days is how quickly negative thoughts start to pop up. I should do this, or I need to do that, etc, etc. I label them negative, because there is resistance attached to them. I understand their value and yet I still push back and procrastinate. Mediocrity pulls at me and then there is a measure of guilt.

I was trying to hold onto and incorporate some of the vacation mode feeling into my day to day routine once I returned home. Life has a different feel and pace while on vacation and I feel more alive and connected to the world we live in when I travel. I love feeling more relaxed, where time and choices are more my own while making connections with people and places along the way.

As I thought more I realized these thoughts weren't negative on their own. It was more how I was perceiving them to be. I could actually view them as welcome reminders and helpful in accomplishing my goals. Instead I viewed them as tasks to do, adding to the potential weight of my day. 

I always have choices and I know I have the ability to control the narrative inside my head with practice and time. Mediocrity is in the nooks and crannies all around me and takes ongoing effort to recognize and reduce. The good news is I'm not clinging to mediocrity, I'm exploring the world and I'm exploring myself even if it's messy at times. 

Totals

Push ups & Sit ups: 1470/28120
Hand form: 10/376
Weapon form: 7/340
KM: 214/1081
AOK: 80/935
Sparring: 10/155
Blogs: 3/36
Yoga: 3.5/17hrs
Tai Chi: 20/509
MM:62/702

Getting Lost

Navigating my way around unfamiliar territory can be difficult and time consuming. Maps and directions can be helpful, but still challenging to use. I try to be extra careful and even when I've checked and rechecked, and think I’ve got it, the circuits in my brain just don’t connect properly. Because of this I really try to focus on my surroundings and using landmarks to help. 

My second day in Florence I had booked a full day excursion and needed to arrive at the meeting point by 8:45am. According to Google Maps it was a 11 min walk. I gave myself an extra 30 minutes and still didn’t arrive until 8:44. I got lost quite quickly, within a few blocks of my hotel. With paper map in one hand and Google maps on my phone I stopped and recalibrated to continue on. It wasn’t too much longer I could see I was getting farther instead of closer to my destination. The extra minutes I had given myself were quickly disappearing. I knew in order to arrive on time I was going to need some help and there were no taxis in sight. Drastic measures were needed. I approached a delivery driver, a lady walking by and a random guy sitting parked in a vehicle. Everyone did their best to help with limited English, guiding me a bit further to my destination. 

The last person I approached was an older man on a bike. Communication was a combo of Italian, English, some hand gestures and my map. He was thankfully able to point me in the right direction, and off I went again. Thankfully he watched and followed after me when I veered the wrong way at the end of the block, (the street had split, one of those fork in the road moments). I was redirected and made it to my meeting point with a combination of running, jogging and speed walking. I made it just in the nick of time, most likely looking like a crazy tourist along the way.

Imagine being in a different country and foreign city by yourself. Add in massive crowds of tourists almost everywhere you go. It can feel chaotic at times and also have a beautiful flow of movement and synchronicity when you stop to breath it all in and appreciate life and how we all contribute.

In Florence the vehicles move around differently, with pedestrians and traffic merging together at times. Designated crossing areas with lights are available at times, but don't always need to be followed. Pedestrians crossing against lights could be locals or tourists, so watch, learn, have respect and apply common sense.

Awareness is needed  as is the ability to make adjustments on the go. Following directions is even more challenging because signage which is usually found on the side of a building can be faded or difficult to locate, or not even present at all. Some streets are straight, many curve or angled and often split into two streets. Unfamiliar sights, sounds, smells and languages are everywhere.

I remember feeling my anxiety start to climb and stress levels rise as I became aware I was temporarily lost in a foreign city, on my own and the clock was ticking. I also remember feeling a strong sense of determination! It was able to stop and breathe momentarily, making mental and emotional adjustments while in motion and ask for help. It was that awareness and ability to make adjustments along the way that helped me to regain some control over the situation. Setting aside my fear and asking for help numerous times is what got me to my destination. 

As I sat on the bus enjoying the relief of having made it and ready to enjoy the day ahead, I thought back to the past 45 minutes. Sparring came to mind right away. Wow, I had made use of the many lessons and tools sparring provides. Stay calm, breathe, assess, recalculate, make adjustments in the moment, be decisive, be proactive and make use of your environment. 

I also learned more about myself, what I'm capable of and expanded my bubble. And I practiced my sparring which I know has helped to stretch and strengthen the lessons taught and I've gained more appreciation. Thank you again to my Kung Fu training. Sparring can be applied to many things. An adversary/opponent could be a person, place or thing. It can also be a battle with myself or often all of the above. Having this experience is an expansion of knowledge, perception, ability and self.

*Numbers to follow next week.