Mixed Emotions

Some wisdom from Seth Godin 

_The moments when it’s the most difficult to be kind are the moments where it matters the most._

Sifu Brinker posted this recently and it really resonates with me. It brings to mind a recent event providing an example of a moment that was difficult and provided an opportunity for mindful kindness.

I recently made the conscious choice to give my brother Kevin a hug! As I initiated the hug I remember thinking this is a fellow human being that most likely has not felt a warm physical connection with another person for a very long time and how sad that is. Given our history a hug was not top of my list of things to do, but I knew the difference and importance a simple hug could make. 

To put this into context both my brothers emotionally and financially abused my dad while living with him and Kevin had made serious threats to me and other family members resulting in a protection order against him. It wasn't until we got both brothers off the property and sold dad's acreage that things began to settle down. 

Dad hears from both of them occasionally and has had no further issues. Even though things have settled down, I know all that can change quite quickly. There is a pattern of behavior to keep in mind so I'm happy to keep my distance while monitoring the situation.

3 weeks ago Kevin appeared at my dad’s apartment with no where to go. Initially he just needed to stay 1 night and then attend court in Stony Plain the next morning. He was apologetic and sounding more reasonable than he had in a long time and had no where else to go. (He had been kicked out of his lodging the previous day)

Seeing him in person and talking with him after more than a year was a bit uncomfortable at first. During our initial conversation he mentioned he had made some personal connections in Alberta Beach area and wanted to continue to live there which really stood out for me. His life for the past 10 years had revolved around playing video games and listening to conspiracy podcasts with very little human interaction other than immediate family. Making social connections was a huge step forward for him and I saw that as a sign of hope.

The initial 1 night became another night and another and so on. I certainly didn't love the idea of Kevin staying for longer. I weighed past behaviours, his current emotional state, dad's well being and need to help and my own humanity. Knowing when and how to help without enabling can be challenging. That is where empathy, compassion and realistic expectations come into play. I also have a good understanding of each of us needing to walk our own paths.

The situation was not ideal and created some additional stress for dad and myself. We were waiting on a psych assessment to be done that had been ordered by the court. These things tend to take longer than expected so Kevin continued to sleep on dad's couch. At one point he left for a few days and then he came back, causing a few problems along the way. The psych assessment finally got done and Kevin is on medication which will hopefully help to even out his moods and allow him to function better in society.

 I was able to find my brother a place to stay short term in Alberta Beach that will hopefully help him to continue building relationships and dad is paying for most of the cost until subsidized housing gets processed and put in place. A big part of all of this is Kevin wants to be a functioning part of society with personal connections and is open to help. I put in some time and effort to not only help my brother but also help my dad who was becoming more and more stressed with Kevin and his current situation. 

Empathy, compassion and forgiveness come much easier to me than say 10 or even five years ago. I contribute this to Kung Fu and to all the mindful blogging I've done over the years. Because of this I also find it easier to let go and practice forgiveness. 

I believe there is even greater potential for positive ripples in the world when kindness takes place during difficult moments.

Totals

Push ups & Sit ups: 1150/14300
Hand form: 10/215
Weapon form: 14/216
KM: 30/427
AOK: 20/456
Sparring: 2/89
Blogs: 1/17
Yoga: 30/8hr
Tai Chi: 24/259
MM:24/343

The Magic

I can recall numerous times in the past where an instructor would tell me to not overthink and just let my body move naturally. These conversations usually took place when I was having trouble remembering a sequence in an application. I struggled with applying the advice as I had trouble get past the need to do everything correctly.

Fast forward to Tuesday nights class. This is where the magic happened!

We worked on an application with a partner with the intent of applying an earlier lesson of the night. And as I stood in front of my partner, I was having trouble figuring out what lead to be in and deciding whether or not I should be projecting forward. It was a familiar application that I hadn’t done in a while and I wanted to get right. After a few mediocre attempts my focus shifted to the lesson of the night. As I applied our concepts of form to the application - bam, magic happened. My body moved through the sequence naturally and suddenly my feet and body did what they needed to do. I wasn’t worried about how to step or thinking about which foot went where. 

After going back and forth a few times I quickly realized that I was getting caught up with the ease and  flow of the sequence. I still needed to be aware of my intent and survive the initial attack. Afterwards this got me to thinking about flow and the role intent plays when trying to develop flow in our forms. The knowledge and lessons have always been there and through a sequence of events my understanding of flow has expanded and will help me as I continue to work on flow within my forms.

After all those years of being told not to overthink, I finally get it.  

Totals

Push ups & Sit ups: 905/13150
Hand form: 9/205
Weapon form: 14/202
KM: 28/397
AOK: 34/436
Sparring: 5/87
Blogs: 1/16
Yoga: 0/7.5 hrs
Tai Chi: 16/235
MM:25/319

Struggling and Progressing

I am struggling and at the same time progressing. 

Even though I’m not completely on track, I am completing a decent amount of push-ups and sit-ups and am blogging faithfully. I also keep track of the other aspects of my training at home to have a broader picture of where I am and what I’m doing.

My hand form and weapon form are where I'm struggling the most. If I push myself to do more reps my knees suffer as a result. I really just want to be able to flow through a complete form without having stability issues and glitches because of my knees. My struggles are physical and mental/emotional. I have a few ideas why this has become more of an issue and am working through some things.

When I stop to consider all the moving parts of my life, efforts applied and overall engagement I should be happy with what I see. And for the most part I am. The problem is I'm also aware of lost opportunities and time wasted. 

Diet and sleep are big contributors to my overall well-being so I've restarted and am more mindful of my choices when it come to what I put into my body. Sugar is a big one for me. I seem to fight this battle over and over again. I do very well for a period of time and then I fall off the wagon. It's the winter months that tend to create havoc with my willpower. 

There has also been some added stress due to a challenging family dynamic. It’s surprising how easily good habits like healthy eating, gratitude, meditation and yoga can slide away when stressors start to build. Even though I've experience this happening I also recognized more and more moments where I consciously make positive choices. Choices that eliminate mediocrity in that moment and are building blocks towards mastery.

I feel this is a pivotal time in my training and an opportunity to define myself as a martial artist. It may not happen in one day or even one week, but I'm confident it will happen. And while my knees may cause me to be frustrated at times I'm also excited because I know there will be progression and a stronger sense of direction. I'm looking forward to seeing where this journey takes me. 

Totals

Push ups & Sit ups: 1050/12245
Hand form: 3/196
Weapon form: 9/188
KM: 42/369
AOK: 29/402
Sparring: 0/82
Blogs: 1/15
Yoga: 30/7.5 hrs
Tai Chi: 23/219
MM:24/294

IHC Games = Sparring

Sifu Rybak often has us playing some type of interactive game that on the surface helps to build team spirit while also having underlying purpose and benefits.

The game we played Thursday night was for the most part enjoyable. However It didn’t take long for me to start feel stressed as multiple bean bags were being randomly tossed. I’ve never like having objects hurtling through space with me as the target, intended or not. 

And then for an extra layer of fun/challenge we were told to only look when throwing to our target, otherwise eyes were to remain down at a spot ahead, relying on our peripheral vision and awareness. This is where my instinct to turtle/and close my eyes really wanted to asserted itself. I think I may have even closed my eyes at one point. Hmmm, not so good.

As I reflected on my thoughts and feelings afterwards,  I found myself comparing the experience to sparring. What was most interesting was I actually feeling a shift in my perception of sparring. I'm not 100% sure I would pick sparring over the bean bag activity, but they are much closer than I would have thought prior to Thursday.

My thought process went something like this:

The wide open circle of multiple people with beans bags coming from random directions contained too many unknowns and variables. Where, when, accuracy of each throw and how many to keep track of was more than my brain wanted to take on.

When sparring a single opponent, my focus is narrowed down to a single individual and a much smaller area of awareness. I feel there is more potential for control and fewer variables. The unknowns are still there and adjustments still need to be made quickly and intuitively. This is something that can be practiced and skill developed over time. 

Even though the activity was mostly about awareness and reflexes,  I gained an appreciation for sparring. For the first time I'm beginning to understand more of the mental aspect of sparring as it applies to me, which I think will help me as I continue to work towards becoming more comfortable with sparring.

Totals

Push ups & Sit ups: 850/11195
Hand form: 9/193
Weapon form: 14/179
KM: 23/327
AOK: 24/373
Sparring: 11/82
Blogs: 1/14
Yoga: 30/7 hrs
Tai Chi: 14/196
MM:25/270

Playing it Safe

 For the most part I'm engaged, motivated and often feel inspired by others around me. I'm learning new forms, I've encountered challenges along the way and worked through those challenges. And yet at the same time my Kung Fu has become somewhat routine. It doesn't feel effortless, but it does feel like I've been 'playing it safe'. If I'm truthful with myself I have started to feel this over the past few weeks and ignored it because I was enjoying this new more enjoyable pace. I became comfortable. Mediocrity slowly and methodically inserted itself into my life. I allowed myself to focus on what I was doing, without looking too closely at that which was not being addressed or worked on. 

I'm not someone that loves to blog and it can be a challenge for me to collect my many thoughts, peel through the layers and weave everything together. I have experienced the value this tool holds so I push myself to blog weekly, adding in an extra one occasionally when something pops into my head. For me blogging along with the pushups helps to anchor me. Without blogging regularly I know I wouldn't be where I am today. 

This got me to thinking about the areas I not pushing myself, and I started to ask myself where am I playing it safe? Why am I able to push myself to blog and yet choose to not apply myself to other challenging or difficult requirements and opportunities? 

The biggest contributing factor to me 'playing it safe' right now is not knowing how to start teaching when I'm helping out in the kids classes. I generally do ok with a small group of students or even better with just one. And as I write this I can feel my anxiety begin to increase just thinking about teaching. I could just rip the bandaid off, but I'm not sure that is the best approach for me at this time. It looks like I have some questions to ask.

Sparring is another area I need to spend more time focusing on. I had gained some ground last year when we spent time sparring in class and was beginning to feel less nervous. Then it tapered off and there were other things to concentrate on. With the Tiger challenge coming up and again sparring more in classes, I've been able to get in more practice. Surprisingly the sparring we did a couple of weeks ago in black belt class went much better than I expected and provided some great lessons and opportunities.

Totals

Push ups & Sit ups: 1075/10345
Hand form: 18/184
Weapon form: 20/165
KM: 35/304
AOK: 34/349
Sparring: 12/71
Blogs: 1/13
Yoga: 30/6.5 hrs
Tai Chi: 24/182
MM:25/245

Love What You Do!

Early in my training it was commitment, and a subconscious awareness of the intrinsic value that Kung Fu brought to my life, which helped to make it a priority. As time passed, I progressed as a student and became a more active participant in life. This developed into a more conscious awareness of the value of training at Silent River Kung Fu. My appreciation, understanding and love of Kung Fu evolved and expanded over time.

Open training currently only happens once a month and is an opportunity that I rarely miss. Each time I participate I'm reminded how much I enjoy the extra time training in the Kwoon and interacting with other students. By the time 12:00 rolls around I'm find myself wanting/needing just 30 more minutes. This past Saturday was no exception. 

Collaborating with Sihing Bjorkquist and Sihing Kohut to create a new form for the Tiger Challenge, helping other students with their forms, sparring drills with Todai Ferris, working on the broadsword and  the Chinese straight sword all contributed to another great open training day. 

Perspective helps me to understand where and how to balance my commitments and love of Kung Fu into other aspects of my life. And I'm able to prioritize Kung Fu without unnecessarily sacrificing family or friends and work commitments. 

There are components of Kung Fu I don't love like sparring for example, but I still work to improve my  confidence and become more comfortable in those areas. The subsequent value I get from applying myself to a fear or weakness is often huge. 

I don't always love everything I'm doing, but overall I love what I do!  

Totals

Push ups & Sit ups: 1130/9270
Hand form: 30/166
Weapon form: 19/145
KM: 36/269
AOK: 38/315
Sparring: 26/59
Blogs: 1/12
Yoga: 0/6 hrs
Tai Chi: 19/158
MM:30/220

Value and The Ripple Effect

I remember meeting my friend Linda for the first time as we stood next to each other in line, waiting to register at the old high school in Stony Plain. We were both new to the area and didn't know anyone. It was the beginning of a new friendship which very quickly grew to include a great group of friends lasting throughout our high school years and beyond. 

Linda and I remained friends for many years after high school. Important life events like marriage, children, divorce and illness, we weathered it all and then unfortunately drifted apart. I'm not even sure what the reason was, but after a chance encounter during Covid we were given a chance to reconnect. 

We have been able keep in touch these past 2 years through combined effort on both our parts as we work towards developing our newfound friendship. In early 2023 Linda was diagnosed with terminal cancer. Unfortunately she is much too familiar with cancer with this being the 3rd time she battling the disease. After some challenges and side effects from her chemo drugs she found a treatment that worked and tumours began to shrink, making it through Christmas, as was her wish, surrounded by family. 

The chemo drug has now stopped working and the tumours are growing again requiring a change in medication which after one treatment put her in the hospital for 10 days due to all of the side effects. Linda has now made the difficult decision to stop the drug protocols due to the extreme side effects she experienced. While talking to her recently about her decision, I can see she is not giving up. Instead she is focused on spending time with her family and grandchildren and enjoying quality of life. 

During a visit this week Linda mentioned she is struggling with a request from her children. Her daughters have asked that she write them each a letter and having very little experience with writing she is finding even just the thought of this very difficult. 

My mom had written a letter to her family and friends before she passed so I have some experience and understanding of what the girls might be looking for in a letter. As I talked to Linda about my own experience and my evolving journey with blogging, I found I was able to give her some helpful advice to get her started. I know it can be challenging to put thoughts and feelings onto paper and to get started. I showed her how to break it down into point form, considering each of their personalities, how they have grown as children into adults, spouses and mothers, while expressing the love and joy of past, present and future. 

We discussed how expressing herself in a letter can provide an ongoing connection for years and generations to come. I also mentioned writing with intention can be a powerful catalyst in strengthening the relationship her children have with each other after she is gone. Linda keeps a notebook close to her and as we talked she would pick it up from time to time and make notes. At one point she even said "thank you teacher". And in this moment I felt the ongoing value of the IHC requirement of blogging. And I was grateful for my efforts over the years that helped me to provide encouragement and wisdom to a friend in need.

 

Totals

Push ups & Sit ups: 900/8140
Hand form: 3/136
Weapon form: 6/126
KM: 18/232
AOK: 26/277
Sparring: 0/33
Blogs: 2/11
Yoga: 30min/6 hrs
Tai Chi: 13/139
MM:24/190