Don't Quit!

This is very relevant to my life currently and I am reminding myself how fortunate I am to have Kung Fu in my life. The many steps taken forward are not lost. I have the tools, the strength and resilience to succeed. All that is needed is to not quit!

 

I am forgiving

Age, experience and wisdom has helped to increase my ability to practise forgiveness. Forgiveness towards myself and others. I've come to realize and understand how negative energy and emotion gets tangled up into an ugly knot when we withhold forgiveness. The act of forgiveness can be quite simple if we let go of negativity and replace those emotions with gratitude and love. 

Letting go can be one of the most difficult tasks to undertake in our lives. And often even when we think we have been successful it lies beneath the surface creating discord or havoc when least expected. This is because we haven't replaced the negative emotions with positive ones. If I were to take a glass and fill it up with love, light and gratitude, there would be no space for anything negative or less than. Just like the glass our bodies and spirits can also be filled with love, light and gratitude. Practising forgiveness helps to fill us up with positive energy, manifesting all that we need, which then spills out into our relationships and the universe.

The Hawaiian Ho'oponopono Prayer is a beautiful, and simple tool to cleanse, purify and release negative energies while filling up your spirit and the vessel of your body with love, light and gratitude. It is that love, light and gratitude that strengthens our connections and unites us all.

I first came across the Ho'oponopono Prayer about 8 years ago and dabbled with it a bit here and there. I didn't fully understand the power of the prayer until I used it as a tool to help me with a very difficult employee. The employee and I had started our working relationship on a friendly note and ended the relationship on a very negative note. 

Instead of focusing on the negative and hostile behavior, the healing prayer helped me to turn the focus inward, asking for her forgiveness. I used intention, applying the prayer/mantra to our relationship. I owned my negative energy around the situation, saying I was sorry, asking for forgiveness and being thankful for the lesson/opportunity.  Finishing with love. Love towards myself and towards her. Forgiving myself helped me to also forgive her and replaced the negative energy with positive energy. I was able to let go and move forward. 

I was somewhat apprehensive when I came across her in a store months later. We both could have avoided each other and yet we approach and interacted like old friends. She seemed happy to see me and we had a very pleasant conversation which ended with her hugging me. The negative energy and feelings had disappeared. I was blown away by the change. The weight lifted was amazing! I am forever a believer in the power of forgiveness!

The original Ho’oponopono prayer is this:

Divine Creator, Father, Mother, Child as one…

If I, my family, relatives, and ancestors have offended you, your family, relatives, and ancestors in thoughts, words, deeds, and actions from the beginning of our creation to the present, we ask your forgiveness.

Let this cleanse, purify, release, cut all the negative memories, blocks, energies, and vibrations and transmute these unwanted energies into pure light ……….

As it is said, it is done, and so it is.

-The practice of Ho’oponopono helps you understand and heal the experiences in your life that you’ve “attracted” or participated in, or have been affected by.

The prayer has since been simplified into a mantra so that you can use it anytime to heal or cleanse yourself. I'm sorry, please forgive me, thank you, I love you. So simple and yet so powerful!

I'm sorry - (I am responsible for everything in my mind, my thoughts, my beliefs, my actions)

Please forgive me - (ask forgiveness for yourself, others and the universe, replacing negative emotions with positive) Note: poor behavior is not excused, it is recognized and the burden of blame is released

Thank you - (expresses gratitude and appreciation for the abundance in life and lessons learned)

I love you - (loving and accepting yourself, loving others and the universe)

I Am a Work in Progress.

Training has been so so lately. I know it is normal to have some peaks and valleys. The idea though is to be aware and recognize a plateau or a slippery slope downward so that adjustments and course corrections can be made sooner than later. I am currently navigating one of those slippery slopes.

A large portion of my mental and emotional energy had been focused on my dogs health, physical condition and comfort. I was still training and keeping up with everything so there were no red flags at the time. And then I started to see bit of a pattern of lower numbers as I logged each day. Things not getting completed. I know from past experience that awareness often happens after the fact. After momentum has already started its downward trajectory. 

This past week our dog passed, and I allowed myself permission to ease off a bit on the push ups and sit ups. My numbers are well above where they need to be and so I felt comfortable with not completing as much on some days. My knees ache every day and the pain and discomfort increases the more I use them. I found myself needing more down time. Yes, I have valid reasons and yet they can also become excuses if I let them. 

In addition to faltering on some of my numbers, I even considered not blogging again this week. I really wasn’t even sure what I wanted to blog about. I’ve been having a difficult time sorting out my thoughts about where I am right now. Understandable given my current mental state. Reading and hearing from other team members about their struggles has help push me to reflect and write this blog as I am also struggling. I know how important it is to have a record of where I am, what I’m doing and be honest with myself.

Even though my trajectory has been off, I have anchors/tools that helped to keep me from falling off the completely. I have 4 primary anchors that I find helpful. An anchor can be something that weighs you down, dragging along where ever you go. Or an anchor can be a tool that helps to keep you on course, allowing you to complete actions and make discoveries. An anchor from a positive perspective can provide a sense of accomplishment leading towards future success. 

My anchors are blogging, reciting mastery every morning and doing push ups and sit ups. The beauty of having more than one anchor to help support my journey is I have backups when one or more isn’t working. I also have experience and awareness on my side to help me recognize when I am in need of a course correction or even help from others. 

I'm trying to find that balance of taking care of myself emotionally and physically while still moving forward. 

I am a work in progress.

I Am Blessed!

I am blessed!!

I view this as more than just gratitude. Feeling blessed takes gratitude to the next level. It is a higher level of appreciation and understanding, and a way of being. A deep experiencing of life and the ability to own and love where I am at or at least be content with where I am at. Even when I feel like I am continuously swimming with no land or finish line in sight, I feel blessed because I have the ability to see all the gifts that surround me.

The 'I am project' has fostered an increased sense of personal awareness and the development of a more positive outlook. I'd be lying if I said all has changed and life is perfect. I still struggle. My mind still tries to lead me to some negative places at times. Overall though, I am feeling calmer and less concerned with what may or may not happen in the future. I feel more grounded. There is more positive awareness and less push and pull happening. 

When I stop to consider the topics I've chosen so far this year, it is not surprising that I am currently in this more grounded mental and emotional space. Simply reflecting and writing about each of these topics has nourished seeds that were already planted within me and just needing some attention.  

Just a few short days ago, I had to make the very difficult decision to help our dog, Radix pass on. Radix joined our family during a very difficult time in my life and has been by my side for almost 14 years. His quality of life had diminished greatly in the past couple of months and had been on pain medication with very little effect. Each day was getting more and more difficult for him. I am heartbroken and at the same time feel blessed to have had him by my side for all those years. 

Your Canine Guardian Angel

By Kelly Roper

I know that you must miss me,
By the tears rolling down your face.
But believe me when I tell you that,
I'm in a very good place.

There are meadows here to run in,
And plenty of rabbits to chase.
There are other dogs to play with,
To frolic with and race.

So please don't worry about me,
My spirit feels light as can be.
There's no more pain to plague me,
I'm young again and free.

And I'll be watching over you still,
of that you can be sure.
I'm your canine guardian angel,
And my love for you remains pure.

Just Keep Swimming

This post was inspired by Ms. Ferris and question 2 from this weeks Table Talk.

Question: If there was a movie about your life right now, what would the title be? The movie that popped into my head after a bit of thought was Finding Nemo. I was asked if I was lost? Lol

No, I am not lost. What I pulled from the movie was the journey that Nemo, Marlin and Dory were on and the determination to keep swimming as they each set out to accomplish their goals. Just keep swimming, swimming swimming! They had amazing adventures, developed friendships and experienced personal growth throughout their journey.

I may not be exactly where I planned or want to be at this specific time. And I may not always feel appreciation during times of struggle, but I recognize the value and I keep swimming. Challenges crop up, obstacles present themselves when least expected and I keep swimming, swimming, swimming.

The choice is mine to swim against the current or with the current. I am reminded to keep my goals in front of me while letting go of expectations. To never give up, reset when needed and enjoy the moments of beauty all around me. I keep swimming, meeting new friends, stepping out of my comfort zone and having new experiences.  

My goals are great motivational tools that keep me moving forward towards mastery and yet I don't want to sacrifice the gifts and lessons along the way so I relax into the flow of the water forging my own way as needed. I am enjoying the journey. There is beauty in my life and appreciation for everyone and all that I have. 

Numbers February 1 - March 31

PU - 10450                  Sparring - 246          Spending Challenge - on track

SU - 10450                   KM - 151                 Book - progressing slowly

Hand Form - 253        AOK - 260

Weapon - 255            Yoga - 6.5 Hrs

I am Quiet

I am quiet. 

This has been a much more thought provoking topic to write about than I first thought it would be. I was thinking that this is reflective of who I am and should also be a relatively quick easy blog. Ha! So wrong. As usual I overthink things and as a result get so much more out of the process.

A quiet exterior that contains a busy mind! A great example of yin and yang at work. It is the silent qualities of a person and a supportive environment that facilitate and produce creativity, awareness and reflection.

I am quiet as I stand or sit in silence. I am an observer, a sponge. I am able to take in the sights, sounds and smells around me. Being quiet helps me to absorb and process information, and develop awareness. I notice things that others may not and at times my senses are heightened.

Normally in an environment with too much sensory stimulation coming from multiple directions, I would remove myself or quiet myself to become more grounded. This is much more difficult to do when I find myself directly engaged in an activity or event. Virtual classes were great for being able to still participate while providing me with the separation I needed at times.

As an introverted and quiet person I get much more out of a class for example, when we focus on segments of a form or go step by step. I thrive in a format where I can focus on the instructor, my movements and the details as they present themselves. Forms done as a group with a diverse variety of individual speeds and phrasing, creates internal noise and too many external visuals that disrupts my flow and the ability to listen to my body. 

I am becoming more aware of this as it is happening and am learning to separate myself so that I can focus on what I am doing and be in the moment. Tuning out the noise and movement around me and still having awareness of my surroundings. I am also beginning to see this now as an opportunity to develop further as a martial artist and a human being. The ability to build more functional control in uncomfortable situations is a plus. Drawing that quiet, calmness and focus into my body, mind and spirit at all times.

 

Living With a Mental Illness

Mental illness refers to all diagnosable mental disorders and is defined as a health condition that changes a persons thinking, emotion or behaviour. This can be a combination of all three and causes a person distress and difficulty in functioning. A mental disorder can be mild to moderate or even severe and can fluctuate due to different circumstances and stressors involved.

Common mental disorders

Depression.
Anxiety disorders
Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD)
Bipolar disorder.
Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)
Schizophrenia.

Mental illness does not discriminate; it can affect anyone regardless of your age, gender, geography, income, social status, race/ethnicity, religion/spirituality, sexual orientation, or background. While mental illness can occur at any age, three-fourths of all mental illness begins by age 24.

Symptoms can range from loss of motivation and energy, change in sleep patterns, extreme mood swings, changes in thoughts or perception, confusion, agitation, withdrawal or overwhelming obsessions or fears. Mental illness interferes with relationships and can affect a person’s ability to function on a day-to-day basis, and even lead to social isolation.

Mental health and mental illness are not the same. Mental health refers to a persons current state of well-being and the ability to manage life's highs and lows. Everyone of us will struggle at some point in our lives with our mental health or well-being. Not everyone will experience mental illness though. Someone with a mental illness could have excellent mental health or poor mental health.

Even with all the information over the recent years and evolving communication there still exists a stigma attached to mental illness. Yes, more and more people are expressing their understanding and supportiveness of friends, family and colleagues living with a mental illness. However, a larger majority of people living with a mental illness are still reluctant to divulge their condition to others and are sometimes not wanting to acknowledge it to themselves. If there really is a larger majority of acceptance then where is the disconnect and why is there still an associated stigma?

I myself have dealt with chronic anxiety for most of my life and have had a few periods of mild to moderate depression over the years. When I first started taking anxiety medication, I kept it secret from my family and only told my very close friends. I was ashamed. I saw it as a flaw, a weakness in myself. Not wanting to admit that I was broken. I saw myself as a mom first, taking care of others. Not someone that needed to be taken care of herself. Living with mental illness needs to be talked about from a personal perspective and shared to reduce and eliminate the stigma.

Taking meds to reduce my anxiety made me realize how much anxiety had been a part of my everyday life. There was a sense of ease and it was wonderful. I took them for about 6 months and then slowly weaned myself off. Even though I felt better, I wanted to figure things out myself. I knew that It was possible to reduce and manage my symptoms through healthy eating, exercise, breathing, meditation and avoiding caffeine. Consistency is the key and something I am still working on and getting better at all the time. 

Joining Kung Fu increased my anxiety and also forced me to acknowledge and understand how greatly it has affected my life. There have been many times when just standing on the mats before class increased my anxiety. My breathing becomes shallow and my legs turn to jelly. Concentration, memory and coordination is all affected. I need to process everything. Anxiety has also created resilience and the ability to push through and because of this I keep stepping into the kwoon and onto the mats. And it does get better. Every year that I am on the IHC team brings me a step closer to successfully managing my illness and living a fuller life to become the best version of myself. 

It wasn't until I was in my late 40's that I even knew I was living with a mental illness. And it has just been recently that I am understanding how this has affected most of my life over the years. As I manage this illness, I am developing tools to reduce the negative impact.

Personal impact of living with chronic anxiety
Difficulty making decisions

Overthinking

Need to process everything
Social anxiety
Watching instead of taking part
Tendency to procrastinate
Loss of feeling connected
Lack of confidence

Introverted
Exhausting

I feel like I am two different people - the person I am mean't to be is suppressed behind a veil of fear and anxiety. I know this to be true because I've experienced moments of confidence and drive at times where anxiety is almost non-existent. I feel like these moments are snapshots of the person I could be. 

Living with a mental illness would most likely be seen as a negative by many and yet I would not be the person I am today without these difficulties and experiences. I am working to make friends with anxiety so that I can learn from it and appreciate all the resulting positive traits that living with a mental illness provides, and establish a better life balance.