Sneaky Ego

I can almost pinpoint the exact moment my thought process veered off track and ego started to worm it's way in. The week of July 11th. I remember thinking how evolved I was becoming. Ego had snuck up on me with a huge congratulations and a big pat on the back. 

I was having so much success in learning from each and every struggle. The inability to get back on track with my training became less and less important. I was making huge strides in other areas of my personal growth. I could sense myself evolving and began to feel empowered. And as that happened I found myself ok with not getting as much training done.

Ego can be sneaky sometimes. I sure didn't see it coming. I was too consumed with work, life and my dad, among other things. So as I struggled and was unable to get back on the training wagon, ego was the furthest thing from my mind. 

I knew that feeling guilty could become and issue and so I turned my focused to gratitude and being more aware of the positives and successes throughout the days and weeks. Even though I wasn't able to get my physical training back on track, I was still going to all my classes, helping out when available, engaging with the team, planning projects, working at figuring out where I am and what I'm doing and blogging. I actively worked through every snag that I encountered along the way. The actions, reflections, realizations and personal growth became my life preserver as I floundered around in an ocean of wave after wave. 

I put a lot of effort into where I was, what I was doing and why. At the time that's what I was able to do, both physically and mentally. Somethings just need to be worked through at their own pace so I don't think anyone could have helped me at the time. Even though I veered off track I don't see it as wasted effort because of the valuable lessons learned along the way. I believe that everything happens for a reason.

Attending Thursday nights IHC meeting was very timely and highly important in my personal journey. I think that because I had been able to restart my physical training with more consistency prior to the meeting I was also able to absorb the messages Sifu Brinker provided to us. I had already started to forge a new path, hopefully leaving most of the ego behind. Thursday nights meeting provided much needed reinforcement and helped to provide more clarity. 

Not All Bad - Numbers To Date

It has been much too long since I've posted any numbers. Since the end of April actually. If you have been reading my blogs you will know that I have been struggling in many ways. The effort has been there off and on, but my efforts to get back on track over the months usually only lasted a day or two. I tried numerous times and never seemed to remain consistent. I've given myself all sorts of start dates. Tomorrow, next week, the beginning of the month and even the present day. Nothing seemed to work. 

This past week has seen some of my best effort and results. So what has changed? The biggest turning point has been coming to the conclusion that I just have to let go of circumstances beyond my control. I have exhausted all avenues of help and support for my dad and myself. Even though the situation is no better, I feel some weight lifted and stress has been reduced. Mental and physical energy is now able to be redirected to where it will best serve me and in return others as well.

This weekend I sat down and took a look at everything I had recorded for May, June, July and August. Because I never gave up and continued to track most of my progress I do actually have some numbers recorded. I am thankful for those numbers and am aware that there are some that also got missed. Acts of kindness are one of the biggest areas that I stopped recording and even thinking about and it shows in my totals. 

As I added things up though, an interesting thing happened. I had started off thinking about how dreadful my numbers were going to be and how far behind I was. Very quickly though something changed and I found myself starting to feel excited. I remember thinking this is not what I expected to feel. As I added the numbers each week and saw the totals grow, I began to feel a sense of accomplishment. Yes I wasn't where I wanted to be, but I was much further along than I realized and further along than I would have been if I had stopped recording my numbers completely. Wow, the power of tracking progress and not giving up!

Numbers February 1 - August 31st

PU - 19920                 Sparring - 353        

SU - 20460                 KM - 570            

Hand Form - 475        AOK - 422

Weapon - 455             Yoga - 16 Hrs

I Am My Product

  

At the start of the year I made note of the I am topics that were of interest to me. As the weeks progressed I usually found that a specific topic would grab my attention and so I would contemplate and write. This current I am topic did not make the list initially, but I have found myself somewhat intrigued by it. At first glance it felt out of place. Not really aligned with the others. And because it felt a bit random, I found myself drawn to it from time to time. I began to consider the meaning and value of this topic and how it applies.

So how does this apply to me? As I considered the potential meaning behind I am a business/product, I began to see how our lives could be thought of a business, and if that is the case we are our own product. As a business owner and institution I am responsible for my financial state, my overall health and wellness. I may have business partners to consider and even young entrepreneurs that I am responsible for. I am a leader and often a follower. I work at building stronger relationships. I wear different hats as needed and am challenged regularly by the fluctuations of life. I learn, adapt and continue to grow just like any other healthy and productive business. How I manage my life/business plays a huge part in my degree of success or failure. 

I also play an important role within the community. Being actively engaged helps me to develop connections. I can spearhead different projects, support various causes and be an advocate for positive change. Silent River Kung Fu is a great example of this as well as other local businesses which inspire me to operate at a similar level. 

Like any business owner I need be able to learn from my mistakes and my successes, be somewhat flexible, adapt and continue to grow as a person and as a business. I take on the challenge of opportunities when they come along and embrace the possibilities.  Kung Fu and the IHC team are key ingredients to operating my business and developing my product. I wouldn't be where I am today without them. The more time and effort I put into my business and my product, the greater the positive impact I will have on the world around me.

It turns out that 'I am my business/product' perfectly aligns with the other I am topics. Each of the I am topics are all components of understanding and building the best version of my product and my business.

I am Intrepid

Intrepid is not the first word I would use to describe myself. I would most likely think of myself as cautious and controlled. And yet I also have an internal intrepid spirit which is curious by nature, includes a thirst for knowledge, and can be adventurous and creative.

My curious nature started as a young child and never left me. That phase of why, why, why has continued on through the years. I have always been intrigued by the multitude of answers and possibilities and continue to be intrigued by answers even now.

My adventurous spirit really blossomed as I entered the travel industry. So many opportunities, people and places to discover. I am grateful to have visited Egypt, Vietnam, Cambodia and Dubai on my own. I didn't wait for someone else to be able to travel with me. I forged ahead and grabbed ahold of opportunities as they presented themselves. There have also been times when I've created my own opportunities in the spirit of adventure. I am intrepid while still knowing my own limitations, so I travel carefully making use of guides and tour groups while still pushing myself outside of my comfort zone at times.

Through these experiences I am able to expand my awareness and views of the world. I feel alive and strengthen my capacity for empathy and compassion towards others and my gratitude grows with each experience.

I am intrepid! I am dauntless, brave and have an ongoing curiosity and a thirst for new experiences.

React or Respond

Trajectory in our lives can take different paths. And some paths may be more visible and measurable than others. My trajectory last year skyrocketed as most things aligned for me. This type of growth isn't sustainable though. Natural rhythms and cycles within nature and the universe are constantly in a state of flux, becoming woven into our lives causing all sorts of disruptions or alignments.

The obstacles that I keep encountering this year have most definitely altered my trajectory. It is still there, just less visible and harder to measure as it has taken a different path. Knowing this, I am able to let go of where I wanted to be and am learning to embrace where I am going. I'm learning so much and evolving in ways that I never would have imagined. 

Kung fu has become woven into my life. I haven't taken a break from my training. I just currently train differently. I am utilizing the many pathways created through my growth as a martial artist. Each of these pathways create their own journey. Journeys that consist of their own ups and downs as I work towards building healthier habits and personal growth. 

It's quite amazing how you can hear or read something that sticks with you at just the right time. This has been happening often for me this year. The latest gem of wisdom is the act of responding vs reacting. I am utilizing this gem often lately and grateful for its timely entrance into my life right now.

Timely because dad's health has been an ongoing issue since April and is he now exhibiting signs of dementia. There is also an extreme family dynamic with my 2 brothers who live with him. I say extreme for many different reasons, but most importantly a recent threat to my life. This has resulted in the police being involved and victims services reaching out to me. I don't think of myself as a victim, but I have had to think more about my safety and that of my family and am finding it harder to stay focused.

Responding vs reacting has been helpful to me in dealing with dad and this whole situation. Reacting is usually an automatic action that happens without awareness or conscious thought and tends to be emotional and rash. Responding is derived from the word responsibility and can take a bit more time as it involves awareness, consideration and thought. It requires awareness on my part to break the pattern and step away from reaction into a responding frame of mind. I am becoming better at catching myself jump into reaction mode. With practice I will be able to work towards building healthier responses. 

With sparring some people might think that the automatic reaction is the best choice. It happens very quickly and can be effective. The feedback is immediate. Taking the time to respond is a better choice though, but requires time to develop. Developing the ability to process information quickly. Staying in the moment while still being able to process your options at the same time. The more you practice this the faster and more efficient you can become. Responding provides more control and the ability to adapt as the situation changes and can help to alleviate costly mistakes. 

Even if I am not actually sparring I am still applying concepts that will help me with my sparring. There have been many opportunities to practice staying calm. I have learned from first hand experience that staying calm can somewhat depend on the opponent I am up against and my current frame of mind. I've had great success and some ok successes. Having someone yelling at you and throwing out verbal assaults with threats of violence and death has a way of deflating the calmness. 

Even though my current circumstances have been stressful, I am grateful for the lessons I am learning. I say this truthfully because I can feel the growth and personal strength evolving even though there are moments when I also feel overwhelmed and stressed.

 

Filling My Cup

Wow! I feel blessed and full of gratitude to have taken part in a weekend Nemetona Goddess gathering which took place in a beautiful natural setting. A weekend spent with 20 other beautiful women willing to be open, present and share their beautiful spirits with each other. Some had existing relationships and a few of us were completely new and all of us left as friends.

We came together and created our own forest of trees, each with individual strengths, personalities and qualities. As the weekend evolved we laughed, shared, shed tears, and helped to heal each other as needed. As the weekend came to an end, we all felt more grounded than when we first started. Our root system was deeper, stronger and more connected to each other. We became a collective, giving and receiving strength and energy from each other, from our ancestors and from mother nature. We all left with cups much fuller and more enriched than when we first arrived. 

The importance of filling ones cup often gets overlooked and forgotten about. Life tends to get in the way of self care. How can I continue to keep my cup full? Meditation, time spent in nature, eating healthy, and connection with others are vital to my self care. I also realized this weekend the importance of shared experiences. Everyone of us has unique challenges and gifts. It is in the sharing and acceptance of these challenges and gifts that helps to fill our cups with abundance and love. 

I continue to be amazed by the benefits that Kung Fu provides. You see, I realized that Kung Fu and the way we train at Silent River is in many ways similar to what I experienced this weekend. We have a very special group of instructors, and students that are willing to learn, teach and share with each other. I am surrounded by like minded individuals on a similar journey, willing to learn from each other and give of themselves. It is those shared experiences of successes and failures, learning and growth that helps us to become stronger together.  

Take a look around you next time you are at the Kwoon and consciously connect with other students, instructors and our past masters. Our collective energy of the past, present and future can be a strong bond when we become conscious participants. Kung fu enriches my life, fills my cup and helps me to be a better version of myself.

The Creativity of Me

 

"Whenever you do something, do it as a piece of art. Let everything express the creativity of YOU."

- Yogi Bhajan

This quote really resonates with me. I feel it speaks to each person's individual flair and goes beyond personality. It's about allowing the essence of who we are in any given moment to shine and expand outward. It can be playful expression, inspiration, imagination and the unique way our bodies move.

I immediately thought of my Kung Fu journey and how it has evolved over the years and how I have evolved over the years as a result. When I first started Kung Fu, creativity was the last thing on my mind. Managing my anxiety each time I stepped on the mats was my first priority and then absorbing and trying to remember everything was next on the list. My sole focus was on recreating. I didn't even think that creativity was an option.

Fast forward a number of years and I have come across this beautiful quote that is such an amazing gift. A gift because it has helped me to become more aware of the change that has been naturally occurring in my training. As I read the quote I realized I am starting to feel the expression of my own creativity in my Kung Fu and other things as well. The quote fills me with an abundance of possibility that puts a smile on my face. It feels like permission to be me.